...They say what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger... If that were true I'd be able to lift the Empire State building and whip it around my head, tossing it far into the sea.
When Diane first moved here from the U.K. in 2000, we had very high hopes the laws would change over the next few years, allowing us to marry and have the same equal rights heterosexual couples have. Consequently that never happened, and after 12 years together, we have been unable to build our lives the way we dreamt we would. We have missed out on the security that a double income could have allowed us to accomplish, been able to build a nest egg which now that the kids are grown, we could have used to do some traveling as we always wanted to... and afford the things we needed.... like the ability to put Diane on my health insurance plan and legally make her my partner. If something happened to me, she could receive the benefits and still make a life for herself. The way it stands now, she would be unable to do that. She has also been unable to go to college and become the marine biologist she always wanted to be- or at least get a satisfying job. Not being allowed to fulfill any dreams or contribute to our family financially has taken it's toll on the love of my life. Her self worth over the years has secretly and slowly diminished to the point of feeling as though she has no identity, here in the good old U. S. of fucking A. When I had my heart attack earlier this year, it scared the shit out of her, but she kept it to herself to avoid adding any stress to my condition. In time she had to acknowledge it, then voice it. Reality became a huge slap in the face, for both of us, because we realized how scary it would be for her, if I had died. She has no legal rights here. She is simply existing, rather than living. 12 years worth of happiness with the kids and I, yet like a cancer this has been eating away at her soul, her self esteem, and it has left her wondering what her purpose was, as she lost sight of it. Eventually it broke our family. This is no way for her to live her life, she can't continue existing or being everything to me and the kids, without being anything for herself.. There is no choice now but for her to go back to England to try to rebuild herself and start over. She gave up everything she had, to move here for me... and now she is giving up everything she has once again, for herself. We have been trying to live our lives as truthful to ourselves as we can be, but if she stayed, it would destroy the beautiful person she is, and that would destroy me. This is her decision, the only choice she has to strive for a full filled life. She can't get that here, now, the way things are. It has been and will continue to be SO hard to let her go... our souls and our hearts are just shattered, broken into a million little flecks that will never come together to be "US" again. I have to say I admire the strength and courage she is portraying in order to go through with this.. I'm not as strong. But I want her to be happy, even if it doesn't include me. I love her that much. Even as I just wrote that little phrase and truly mean it, inside I am screaming nooooo, don't gooooo... She is devastated to have to leave the kids. She has loved and cared for them as if they were her own. Diane has numerous talks with each of them, explaining the why's and the pains of leaving... embracing their grief into hers. She affected their lives so much, each in different ways. The kids have thanked her for the difference she has made in their lives. Diane will continue to be there for them, if only via the internet. I can only hope it is enough, I'm so scared that it won't be. Together we have downsized everything we own, as I am moving into a small apartment before the end of the month. Diane will stay with me until it's time for her to leave, and I don't know what date that will be. It feels like a time bomb is ticking away the breath I need to live. She won't leave until she helps me settle into my new home, and makes sure I am ok. We have many layers of goodbyes to process through. Even now, she is sacrificing time to make sure the kids and I will be alright after she is gone. Yes, our lives will go on, but we will NEVER be the same. For me, there will forever be something missing in my life... her. We cry together everyday, as we deconstruct the pieces of what has come together to become our lives as a couple in love, no different from any other couple... We have the same hopes and dreams and goals and desires and aspirations and needs and wants and fears and hurts and feelings... as every one of you reading this, except we happen to both be women. This feels like a punishment for that. We don't have the same rights as everyone else, we are judged and beaten down, as if our being together and having a family is a fucking crime... Just because we are both women. I know we aren't the only ones who feel this way, there are millions of people out there in the same situation. Right now, I have no hope of the laws ever changing in our favor. Until the Federal government makes a change, nothing will be equal for all people... Our constitution defends and protects each one of us, unfortunately the ones who are supposed to enforce and uphold it, don't. And, because of that, someone like me who has NO choice in the matter or destiny of my own life, has to live without the love of my life, the one who makes everything make sense for me, the best friend I could ever have... AND I AM ENRAGED, SCREAMING UNTIL MY VOICE FADES, POURING OUT THE DARKEST PAIN I HAVE EVER FELT UNTIL I AM EMOTIONALLY DRAINED, hopelessly succumbing to the unfairness bestowed onto my life... MY FUCKING LIFE... I AM NUMB WITH GRIEF... all because the majority of people live in fear of us. Fear fuels hate, which comes from ignorance, which refuels the hate until it becomes a never ending circle of destruction... needlessly destroying the many beautiful souls created by God to be equal, but aren't.
What a fucking, pitiful, waste of the human soul this is..