"...wE mUst bE thE chAnGe wE wiSh tO sEE iN thE wOrld..." K.G.


...They say what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger... If that were true I'd be able to lift the Empire State building and whip it around my head, tossing it far into the sea.


When Diane first moved here from the U.K. in 2000, we had very high hopes the laws would change over the next few years, allowing us to marry and have the same equal rights heterosexual couples have. Consequently that never happened, and after 12 years together, we have been unable to build our lives the way we dreamt we would. We have missed out on the security that a double income could have allowed us to accomplish, been able to build a nest egg which now that the kids are grown, we could have used to do some traveling as we always wanted to... and afford the things we needed.... like the ability to put Diane on my health insurance plan and legally make her my partner. If something happened to me, she could receive the benefits and still make a life for herself. The way it stands now, she would be unable to do that. She has also been unable to go to college and become the marine biologist she always wanted to be- or at least get a satisfying job. Not being allowed to fulfill any dreams or contribute to our family financially has taken it's toll on the love of my life. Her self worth over the years has secretly and slowly diminished to the point of feeling as though she has no identity, here in the good old U. S. of fucking A. When I had my heart attack earlier this year, it scared the shit out of her, but she kept it to herself to avoid adding any stress to my condition. In time she had to acknowledge it, then voice it. Reality became a huge slap in the face, for both of us, because we realized how scary it would be for her, if I had died. She has no legal rights here. She is simply existing, rather than living. 12 years worth of happiness with the kids and I, yet like a cancer this has been eating away at her soul, her self esteem, and it has left her wondering what her purpose was, as she lost sight of it. Eventually it broke our family. This is no way for her to live her life, she can't continue existing or being everything to me and the kids, without being anything for herself.. There is no choice now but for her to go back to England to try to rebuild herself and start over. She gave up everything she had, to move here for me... and now she is giving up everything she has once again, for herself. We have been trying to live our lives as truthful to ourselves as we can be, but if she stayed, it would destroy the beautiful person she is, and that would destroy me. This is her decision, the only choice she has to strive for a full filled life. She can't get that here, now, the way things are. It has been and will continue to be SO hard to let her go... our souls and our hearts are just shattered, broken into a million little flecks that will never come together to be "US" again. I have to say I admire the strength and courage she is portraying in order to go through with this.. I'm not as strong. But I want her to be happy, even if it doesn't include me. I love her that much. Even as I just wrote that little phrase and truly mean it, inside I am screaming nooooo, don't gooooo... She is devastated to have to leave the kids. She has loved and cared for them as if they were her own. Diane has numerous talks with each of them, explaining the why's and the pains of leaving... embracing their grief into hers. She affected their lives so much, each in different ways. The kids have thanked her for the difference she has made in their lives. Diane will continue to be there for them, if only via the internet. I can only hope it is enough, I'm so scared that it won't be. Together we have downsized everything we own, as I am moving into a small apartment before the end of the month. Diane will stay with me until it's time for her to leave, and I don't know what date that will be. It feels like a time bomb is ticking away the breath I need to live. She won't leave until she helps me settle into my new home, and makes sure I am ok. We have many layers of goodbyes to process through. Even now, she is sacrificing time to make sure the kids and I will be alright after she is gone. Yes, our lives will go on, but we will NEVER be the same. For me, there will forever be something missing in my life... her. We cry together everyday, as we deconstruct the pieces of what has come together to become  our lives as a couple in love, no different from any other couple... We have the same hopes and dreams and goals and desires and aspirations and needs and wants and fears and hurts and feelings... as every one of you reading this, except we happen to both be women. This feels like a punishment for that. We don't have the same rights as everyone else, we are judged and beaten down, as if our being together and having a family is a fucking crime... Just because we are both women. I know we aren't the only ones who feel this way, there are millions of people out there in the same situation. Right now, I have no hope of the laws ever changing in our favor. Until the Federal government makes a change, nothing will be equal for all people... Our constitution defends and protects each one of us, unfortunately the ones who are supposed to enforce and uphold it, don't. And, because of that, someone like me who has NO choice in the matter or destiny of my own life, has to live without the love of my life, the one who makes everything make sense for me, the best friend I could ever have... AND I AM ENRAGED, SCREAMING UNTIL MY VOICE FADES, POURING OUT THE DARKEST PAIN I HAVE EVER FELT UNTIL I AM EMOTIONALLY DRAINED, hopelessly succumbing to the unfairness bestowed onto my life... MY FUCKING LIFE... I AM NUMB WITH GRIEF... all because the majority of people live in fear of us. Fear fuels hate, which comes from ignorance, which refuels the hate until it becomes a never ending circle of destruction... needlessly destroying the many beautiful souls created by God to be equal, but aren't.

What a fucking, pitiful, waste of the human soul this is..



DysFUNctional Mom said...

No. No no no no NO!!!
OMG I am fucking furious to read this, and hurting for you so much.
I just want to hug you.
And kick somebody's ass, although I wouldn't know where to begin because there are so damned many ignorant people in this world.
Please, please email me if you need to talk. xoxoxoxo

Busy Bee Suz said...

Oh C, I am so darn sorry to read this. I've been wondering what was going on since I saw your post on FB about change. Makes me so sad that your family is being ripped apart. It's not fair.
I know that you and Diane are a special family...a family that deserves the same rights as every one. You two have been in love, in laughter and in 'life' deeply, it breaks my heart to know what you are facing!
Love, and strength to all of you.

ChiTown Girl said...

Oh, honey, I just don't have any words yet. I can't believe this.

Truthfully, I've been wondering about you guys all week, as I've been keeping up with Mark and Fred's dilemma.

This just sucks. It's hard to believe that TWO people who have touched my life are suffering through the same horrible situation.

I'm just so very sorry, C. I wish there was something I could say or do, but for now, I'll just send love.

otin said...

My heart is breaking for both of you...:(

Maria said...

This is so common for so many of us. And so ridiculously unfair. Change is heartbreakingly slow, yes? I think about black people who were punished so heartily for stepping up to the plate and insisting that their rights be seen to. We are now doing the same. I believe that in a hundred years, people will look back at struggles such as yours and wonder how you persevered. Someone always has to walk in the front of every line. Good luck to both of you.

Jim said...

Chris.....how unfortunate that this has to happen to you and Diane. A similar situation is happening with 2 guys we follow on blogger. One is about to be deported to France because their marriage is not recognized in the US and their 4 kids are not recognized in France!!! Because they were adopted. WTF!!!
This is getting A LOT of attention the past couple of days because these guys have told the press. It was all over CNN yesterday and maybe Rosie or Ellen will pick it up. The more that this TOTAL INSANE INJUSTICE if OUT THERE, then maybe just something will get done!
I truly find it hard to accept that this is going on in the US. Then again I am not....if you know what I mean. It is not fair that you and Diane have to take this step. I know your rationale behind this and I HOPE you can find a solution that will keep you both together.

joe said...

I'm so sorry. You've got my email C if you ever want to vent.
I wish Diane all the best back in England.

jo.irish.rose said...

Toone and Di, my heart is breaking and crying as I read this, the pain and anguish for you. I love you both....

ny edge said...

Polls show that at least half of Americans now support gay marriage, the percentage goes way up among younger demographics, a glimmer of hope for the future, but not much solace for you here & now -- this is sad and fundamentally unfair.

Anonymous said...

This broke my heart. I am so, so sorry. This is just not fair.

La Roo said...

I am speechless at the moment...................
I wish people weren't so ingorant and the world was a better place. It is wrong on many levels that we can't all be treated equal.
I do understand trying to find yourself and the need to find what you fulfills you. That is not easy given your situation and I am just sorry Diane and you have struggled with this. It's honorable and filled with sorrow and maybe that is what can make you both stronger. Life has its funny stupid mixed up ways.
Just know I care and I wish I had the right words to make everything better.

Mark said...

You're breaking my heart.
I'm sorry, I've run out of words these days. I wish I could bring you some comfort.
Your New Friend, m.

Stephanie said...

I cam via Chi Town Girl and had to leave some love. I'm so so sorry your heart is hurting. This just is so wrong.

Clippy Mat said...

I thought this was what it was!!! I'm just devastated for you both. Absolutely don't know what to say but I feel that your honesty about the situation and your feelings of love for Di are way beyond what others hope to have or could ever put into words.
Stay strong. Love will find a way.

Technodoll said...

I cannot believe this is happening.

I just... can't.

Too much to take.

Are you saying Diane has not been able to get a green card in 12 years? No work permit? student permit? nothing?

What the hell??

I'm at a loss for words...

I cannot imagine what you are all going through. WHAT the FUCK is WRONG with the USA???? Are they joking??

This is no way to live...

And now the situation with Bella?

OMG ----

(( fierce hugs mon amie ))

I wish I could be there for you, I really do... :-(

C said...

thank you everyone for the huge support, it is so appreciated right now...