I have so many thoughts and feelings going on in my head, I don't know if I will be able to get them all out. Diane and I just watched the "lady gaga thanksgiving" special, and I cried nearly all the way through it. I cant figure out why I became so emotional, maybe the words in some of her songs touch me deeper than I thought.. I really admire what she stands for today, after having come from a dark place during her school years. she was ridiculed, bullied, and never fit in. and she has taken all of her pain from that, and channeled it into this magical power to help other people like her, other people that are being bullied today- for being different, or gay, or trying to find their own way. I don't care what walk of life we come from, despite our circumstantial & physical differences, I know in my heart that each one of us just wants to be accepted for who we really are, to be respected, and loved. all of us want that. but some of us never have that. it's either beaten out of us, or never realized because we lack the support, encouragement to attain it for ourselves. if it is drilled into us from a very young age that we are worthless, ugly, & unlovable, it's very hard to overcome that and find yourself. I know because I am one of those people. I've done therapy for years, I've been in the 12 step program for years, and I have found ways to heal some of my issues, and pain. however, until the day I fucking die, there are self esteem and trust issues that I will never be able to heal, as they run too deep. I know this, I am not proud of it, but I know it is my reality. maybe that's why I love gaga so much, she roots for the underdogs of this world. how can anyone judge that kind of a soul in a negative way...

at work this weekend, one of the nurses who comes on after my shift came over to me and accused me of sitting around doing nothing, then bypassed me to another nurse and said "she cant just be sitting here doing nothing, she needs to clock out and go home." I sat there in shock, as I had JUST logged off my computer, if she had been 5 seconds earlier she would have seen that. I liked her up until she turned into a bitch. now, unfortunately I will be ignoring her. but my point is, I sat there like a dumb ass, and didn't defend myself. I felt scared and intimidated. I would never be one to ride the clock without working. I have never lowered my work ethics and it isn't going to start now. the audacity she had to "ASSUME" she had the right to speak to me that way, is just not alright with me. but this exposes one of my flaws, I have to be really fed up, and angry before I will defend myself and demand respect I deserve. and I can thank my mom for all the slaps in the face I got, at a young age whenever I attempted to establish a boundary when needed. the fuel man came to our home one winter's day to fill our propane tank, and he stepped inside our door and began speaking rudely to my mom. I was right there and I told him not to speak to my mom that way, and she turned and slapped me across the mouth/face and sent me to my room, said I was being rude and you  never speak back to your elders like that. no wonder I feel fucked up at times, like when this bitch yelled at me and I didn't defend myself. I hate it SO much when issues from my past interfere with my present day life, I fill up with shame, I sit there trembling.... my throat locks up and I cannot say the words I want to say in the moment. when I got home that night I told Diane, and she said I need to defend my self, that I need to insist on respect right from the start. tonight this bitch was working again as I was leaving and I ignored her. however, I heard her go to one of my coworkers and whisper whisper whisper... I could tell it was about me because she'd look back every now and again to see if I was listening. I have lived with shit like this for so long, I can tell you by the look on someone's face when they are talking about me. I'm not just another pretty face and I'm certainly NOT as dumb as she looks. also, I think I have mentioned before that my manager is gay, and his partner of 16 years, is one of our operators. no one says anything negative about them, however some have snickered behind their backs which pisses me off. I don't like that kind of thing. so, my trainer found out I live with Diane, and then another coworker, so now I have been outted. I never lied or tried to hide the fact, but now I don't feel so welcomed there, people are treating me a bit differently. they were all so friendly and helpful when I was starting, suddenly it seems like some have put up an invisible wall, ya know, so they "won't catch my gay"... I love this job. its just perfect for me. however I can't tolerate bigotry and gossip behind my back.

see? I told you I had a lot going on in my brain...

I'm not even half done venting, but I am too tired now, to continue.

why does there always have to be ONE bitch where ever you work... who invented that rule and WHY?

C