I have chronic sciatica and a flare up has been bothering me for about 2 weeks. at this point in time, I can hardly walk, I have to have help, hold onto something, or use my cane. the pain is in my right lumbar area and shoots down into my leg. I use the heating pad on it and take the meds, but if I am honest, I can say that I feel like a worn out ole bag. I cannot believe how much my life has changed in the past 1 1/2 years, since my injury at work. my body is betraying me and I’m askeeeered that even if I find a job, I wont be able to do it. there is no way I could work with this kind of pain. the sleep aid I took earlier made me drowsy enough to sleep, but the pain in my back kept me awake. I just don’t feel like myself, at all. everyone has said something in one way or another about how I am not meself. well who the fuck am I, I wonder… I’m in here somewhere, I just know it. I’m raising my hand, can you see me waving?
I met with my voc. rehab. caseworker this afternoon, and poured out all my fears to her, I just couldn’t hold it in. she was very understanding, encouraged me, validated me (as she was injured at work years ago, as well, and couldn’t work for 3 years) so she understands everything that I am going through. one of my fears was that voc. rehab. would have a time limit that I had to find a job by, or would lose my (sparse) income from them. my case worker assured me she will never just drop me, and has had clients that take a few years to find one. she also stated that she may end up placing me in a training program to learn a new skill such as case manager.. I miss my job, the friends I worked with, the babies I took care of, and the self esteem I grew from the good that I did.
I still believe God has a plan for me, it’s just that my patience is running on low and the longer it takes, the more a little doubt is starting to creep in… leaving me feeling hopeless. my doc added a second anti depressant to my daily dose of chemical ingestion.. so far I feel no change and it’s been over 2 weeks of being on it. I will give it another 2 weeks and report back to him on how I feel. I had severe post partum depression after I had both Alex and Christophe less than a year apart, going through the divorce on top of that, and moving into low income housing from the home we had purchased after my mother died in 1989. our kids were supposed to grow up in that home. they weren't supposed to end up on welfare whilst I put myself through college. I will never own my own home again in my lifetime. I had to accept that. but it does take a toll on feeling secure. now with no job prospects, I feel as though I am on shaky ground. this all started from a broken humerus but has snowballed into so much more because the rest of my health has declined as well, probably due to all of the stress I have had. the fall at work, having to have a heart cath and stent placed, getting that abscess in my abdomen, falling in the kitchen and bruising my inner thigh muscles, having to go through testing to rule out MS, a CT scan to rule out a tumor, the heart attack, and now the reality of losing a chance to go back to my job. there are several other little things in between, but you get the jest.. I repeatedly apply for jobs and have only had one interview. most times I don’t even hear back from the places I apply to. I have been offered two jobs. in California. that’s just a little too far to drive, in my opinion.
on a brighter note, I got in our pool for the first time today. my daughter, grandson, and Diane and I frolicked around in the water just after my case worker left. Diane put in a small veggie garden for us, and it’s doing well. she has begun bike riding with a friend of ours, who I used to ride with, back in the day. I really miss that, but I’m afraid I’d lose my balance on my bike, so I need a three wheeler one, ya know, the kind with a basket either on the front or between the two wheels in the back. I would SO ride every day. they are expensive and there is NO way I can afford one. my youngest son, Christophe, has most of his “stuff” sent in and accepted for spending 8 months in Quebec City this fall as a foreign exchange student. he is so very excited and I am proud of him for what he wants to accomplish. we will Skype with each other but I will still miss him very much. Alex is saving up to move out and get his own apartment… another big change to accept. the truth is, I am getting older, my kids are grown, and anxious to be autonomous… which is how it’s supposed to be. but I don’t have to like it. time has gone by too fast, I’m still hungry for more.