it’s the second day of my being home and recovering, or at least trying to. my sister whom I’ve mentioned many times that lives in Omaha, is causing family drama and stressing me out.
Diane is feeling very protective of me right now as she almost lost me. so she stepped in to ask Denise politely to back off and not do this.
Diane tried to talk to her about the rude, condescending ways she uses to speak to me, questioning everything I do, bad mouthing & judging Diane, me, and the kids, for one example..
now there is a huge fight going on, and my sister has amputated us. she is in the wrong but won’t admit it. her words shot like flames of fire and then she denied it. I have no room in my life for that right now..
however the whole thing in and of itself, has stressed me beyond words. I need my family around me right now and I don’t understand how she can be so callous. so cold. so unsympathetic. I don’t wanna lose my sister. it hurts deeply.
now, I find myself in times of trouble and mother Mary isn't coming to me… I am slipping into the depression again, from where I have struggled not to be. sorry, it just came out like that.
it just takes one thing, it seems.. a big thing, a biggie like this. Denise and I have always relied on each other and I am not prepared to let the relationship go. but there isn't anything I can do about it, she is just unapproachable.
I feel out of sorts as I am still trying to process everything that has happened. at times it feels like a nightmare, at others, it’s a slap of reality.
my dr. told me I would eventually need bypass surgery because I am pretty clogged up in the ole arteries. I can’t be angry as I have done this to myself over my lifetime. I have never eaten to live, I have always lived to eat.
food has always had an inappropriate meaning and purpose for me, I think mainly because I didn’t get what I emotionally needed from my mother and it was the only consistent thing in my life. also, food was used as a punishment and reward when I was growing up so I didn’t really have a chance there..
I remember my mother making chocolate milk for the other 3 kids and when I asked why I couldn’t have any, she’d say cuz I was fat enough. the thing is, I wasn’t overweight, she was just spiteful and controlling. on the other hand, she bribed me with sweets to “be good” & “behave”. I never knew what mood she would be in.
the “tub ‘o lards” and the “fatsos” and “fat slobs” were used loosely by her when referring to me. they were my nicknames. so food, be it as it may, was my comfort, love, friend, & crutch… whether I was happy or sad or depressed, it didn’t matter, it was there. and now here come the consequences.
yes I am trying to change how I eat but I am grieving the loss of what feels like my best friend. it’s hard to let go of old habits. specially ones that have been overly important in my life.
so that’s where I am at on this particular day. in this particular town. in this particular skin. with two stents in this particular heart.
ooooh, the drama.. [said in the voice of Stewie, of course]
God bless us all.
[is it BIG C or little c today.. I think little c.]