"...wE mUst bE thE chAnGe wE wiSh tO sEE iN thE wOrld..." K.G.

2/15/2011

3

Broken heartit’s the second day of my being home and recovering, or at least trying to. my sister whom I’ve mentioned many times that lives in Omaha, is causing family drama and stressing me out.

Broken heartDiane is feeling very protective of me right now as she almost lost me. so she stepped in to ask Denise politely to back off and not do this.

Broken heartDiane tried to talk to her about the rude, condescending ways she uses to speak to me, questioning everything I do, bad mouthing & judging Diane, me, and the kids, for one example..

Broken heartnow there is a huge fight going on, and my sister has amputated us. she is in the wrong but won’t admit it. her words shot like flames of fire and then she denied it. I have no room in my life for that right now..

Broken hearthowever the whole thing in and of itself, has stressed me beyond words. I need my family around me right now and I don’t understand how she can be so callous. so cold. so unsympathetic. I don’t wanna lose my sister. it hurts deeply.

Broken heartnow, I find myself in times of trouble and mother Mary isn't coming to me… I am slipping into the depression again, from where I have struggled not to be. Confused smile sorry, it just came out like that.

Broken heartit just takes one thing, it seems.. a big thing, a biggie like this. Denise and I have always relied on each other and I am not prepared to let the relationship go. but there isn't anything I can do about it, she is just unapproachable.

Broken heartI feel out of sorts as I am still trying to process everything that has happened. at times it feels like a nightmare, at others, it’s a slap of reality.

Broken heartmy dr. told me I would eventually need bypass surgery because I am pretty clogged up in the ole arteries. I can’t be angry as I have done this to myself over my lifetime. I have never eaten to live, I have always lived to eat.

Broken heartfood has always had an inappropriate meaning and purpose for me, I think mainly because I didn’t get what I emotionally needed from my mother and it was the only consistent thing in my life. also, food was used as a punishment and reward when I was growing up so I didn’t really have a chance there..

Broken heartI remember my mother making chocolate milk for the other 3 kids and when I asked why I couldn’t have any, she’d say cuz I was fat enough. the thing is, I wasn’t overweight, she was just spiteful and controlling. on the other hand, she bribed me with sweets to “be good” & “behave”. I never knew what mood she would be in.

Broken heartthe “tub ‘o lards” and the “fatsos” and “fat slobs” were used loosely by her when referring to me. they were my nicknames. so food, be it as it may, was my comfort, love, friend, & crutch… whether I was happy or sad or depressed, it didn’t matter, it was there. and now here come the consequences.

Broken heartyes I am trying to change how I eat but I am grieving the loss of what feels like my best friend. it’s hard to let go of old habits. specially ones that have been overly important in my life.

Broken heartso that’s where I am at on this particular day. in this particular town. in this particular skin. with two stents in this particular heart.

Broken heartooooh, the drama.. [said in the voice of Stewie, of course]

God bless us all.

 [is it BIG C or little c today.. I think little c.]

c

 

6 comments:

jo.irish.rose said...

i could really slap her...i know she is a sister of ours. but dang it...she doesnt have to treat us like crap. we are people too. she doesnt talk to her friends like that!! ever!! not even her kids!! or her dog!! i dont know why she would hold such hatred or bitterment toward us. we have done nothing but try to include her in everything we do. i hate that she treats you like that. i am not taking any more crap from her. i am telling her now when she calls me that she isnt to tell me anything about you or your family. i dont want to hear any gossip. nor is she to talk about my family. and if she cant say anything nice to me, she better not say anything. im not putting up with it no more. my hunny was soooo mad last night when i told him what she did. he wouldnt let me answer the phone! he said she isnt going to ruin your night like she ruined chris'!! and toone, if she talks to you again, you should tell her too. dont talk to me that way!! your the oldest. she should have some respect for you. you have done more for her than she could ever do for you. she is blinded by her own power and selfishness. i love you soooo much...and if i lived there, we would be doing stuff all the time. its a good thing we live far apart...there would be such jealousy going on if i lived there. anyway....toone, try to not let it bother you. it is just her nature to be that way, it is how she is. she will never change. you will have to be the bigger person here and just let is slide and ignore her. either tell her off, or just blow her off. just dont let her stress you. pretend like you won the lottery and its a good kind of stress. k? and think of our trip....start planning where we will go....im thinking montreal and quebec, n'est pas?

Busy Bee Suz said...

I hate that you have added stress...especially at this time. You have got to do your own thing right now..take care of you. Try not to worry about what she says or does...she apparently does not have your best interest at heart. {heart}
Surround yourself with positive people...and you will feel it too.

I wish I was there so I could give her a piece of my mind. She needs a DR. Phil intervention of sorts....oy.

XOXOXOOXXO
Suz

Jim said...

Just what you don't need Chris! But that is what it is right now. Accept it. BUT, look around you and see what is way more important right now! YOU, then Diane and then the kids. Your sister will come around.....don't forget that she came from the same family as you and may be 'hurtin' too. Forgive her Chris, you HAVE to. For you to move on and get better, this is something that you should do in any way that works for you. You don;t have to say it to her face or on the phone....in your head will do for till you get stronger. Don't allow this to interfere with YOUR well-being. I hope you can do this.....the stress will not help a bit.

Technodoll said...

I'm with Jo on this...

Please do plan a trip out to Québec, life is short and I know how much you love it here. You always have a friend available for food and lodging!

As for your love of food, I don't think total deprivation is a solution or a cure for anything... just not overdoing it is the key - and learning to love NEW foods, now, isn't that exciting? YUM!

I'M sorry things are so crappy with your sister, but you already know what I think about that. You need to focus your energies on the people that bring you love and light in your life, not black hole sucking leeches.

Build walls around that and someday, when you're good and ready, maybe put in a door and see what happens when it's opened.

Again, life is too short for hating.

Love you, mon amie XX

Dysfunctional Mom said...

I know it's hard to cut people out of your life, truly I do, but some people are TOXIC and especially in the condition you are in right now, you can't handle that. You don't need additional stress and especially not from someone who cuts you down and treats you badly.
Take care of YOU!!

ChiTown Girl said...

Aw, sugar, I can't believe this is the first chance I've had ALL DAY you get to a computer (it's after 10:30!). I would have called you and let you vent. I hope you're asleep right now, or at least in bed.

I'm with the others. You need to just cut her out right now, even if it's only temporarily. You can NOT let her add this kind of stress to your life. You just can't.

Try not to let this whole mess get to you. Just let Diane take care of you, surround yourself with your kids, and everyone else who loves you, and just focus on getting well.

xoxoxo