"...wE mUst bE thE chAnGe wE wiSh tO sEE iN thE wOrld..." K.G.

12/27/2010

mOnTaGe fOr jOannE.

“Mammeries, light the corners of me mind
Misty watercolor mammories of the way we were.
Scattered pictures of the smiles we left behind
smiles we give to one another
for the way we were.
Can it be that it was all so simple then
or has time rewritten every line?
If we had the chance to do it all again
tell me would we?
Could we? well answer me you whore! could we????”

…it all began one snowy day on December 27, 1960.. in New Britain, CT. I was 5.

the “dirty gOOg” was born.

Birthday cake

[in honor of her 50th birffday, this is the story of  Joanne Jeanine Roy Price. no names have been changed cuz there ain’t any innocents to protect]. [well, there used to be but I have killed them all]. [jus sayin’].

Birthday cake..the youngest of 4 kids, she was a happy baby with rosy cheeks.. although there’re a tiny bit faded in this photo.. our dad fell down the stairs carrying her when she was 2 and broke both of her hips. [that’ll teach her to be cute] she recovered after spending 6-8 months in a body cast, which I personally signed and drew pictures on. [wait. this isn’t her… oh my burnin’ crapicola, yes it is.. I was cornfused there for a momento.. nevahmind..]

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Birthday cake..we lived in New Britain, CT. until 1966 when our dad moved us to Malone, NY.. and there we stayed until we grew up. this is me, and dad holding Jo. [note the rifle to my left.. it was mine. I had to do all the huntin’ for our meals at a very young age]..

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Birthday cake..1961 this is our paternal grammpa holding Jo, the twins Denise and Dennis and me, standing. [erm, looks like I put on a lil poundage there, don’t it.. yeah, a bit fluffy I must say… like a lil marshmallow I was… jus like a lil spool ‘a cotton candy, yep.  just like a big ole blimp which you weren’t supposed to fly in da house.. that was me].

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Birthday cake..one of the few family pictures I have of our parents, our aunt Claire the nun, and the 4 of us kids. she was catholic enough for the lot of us. don’t forget the googster was the youngest and remarkably, she still is.

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Birthday cake..living in the projects in CT. [note; this picture only appears blurry if you’ve been hittin’ the moonshine..] GUILTY!

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Birthday cake..living the life in CT.. note the fashionable matching outfits we girls wore.. these were our GOOD outfits… we were on the cover of INSTYLE for the longest time.. but ma kept all the money and spent it on men, booze and gambling… it ended our careers when it was discovered.

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Birthday cake..Oct. 1966 in da kitchen, baby… when our dad moved us to upstate NY. Jo is on the first side of the table, right dere in da front, as opposed to da back side of the table.. got it? or did I jus cornfuse you mo’?

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 Birthday cake..our humble estate in Malone.. it was SO big we always got lost in the many wings.. the president of da united of states of americeee tried to take our home to use as da white house but ma kneed him in the jewels, told him that YES, he DID do it..  and told him firmly, NO. that’s why to this day he slums it up on Pennsylvania Ave., STILL. [yes, that’s moi in the chair on the WHITE HOUSE lawn].. but I am hiding so don’t looksie..

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Birthday cake..the VO5 hair crème saturated slicked down hair we wore every day.. I can still smell it.. look how freekin’ cute we were..

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Birthday cake..hi ho, hi ho, it’s off to catholic school we go.. where the nuns were mean and ya had to stay clean.. hi ho, hi ho…

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Birthday cake..1972 Jo & I taking a goofy picture..  look at those glasses! we were so poor… HOW POOR WERE YOU? we were SO poor our mom couldn’t afford glasses for us so she made them out of glass coke bottle bottoms and called it good.. no wonder we couldn’t freekin’ see anything.

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Birthday cake..Jo in 1974 holding my first dog PUDDLES after I was married… it was about this time we drove into town late one night to get pizza as she was sleeping over, and the flying saucer followed us home.

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Birthday cake..Jo moved to Ozark, Alabama to be near us.. that’s when Dave had the clampet mobile, remember toone? look at that cute lil shiteattin grin on her face! awwww.. doesn’t she look guilty of somethin?

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Birthday cake..Christmas 1975 Ozark, Alabama. yeah. so I bought her a shirt just to shut her up. ya see doze books behind her right dere in da back ground? on the shelf dere? I bet there’re all dead now.

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Birthday cake..when we moved to Nebraska, the goog followed us here where she met her future hubs to be.. JIMBOOB, and got married. they were SUCH alcoholics.. look at ‘em… drunk. every. single. night.

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Birthday cake..in 1982 our dad died and Jo went to the funeral in Daytona Beach, Flo-Rida... our step sister Barbara, brother Dennis, Jo, and Jimboob.

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Birthday cake..she was expecting her first born, Jonathan.. “the nonster”.. look at da cute rosy cheeks just like when she was a beebee.. erm, dat could just be makeup..

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Birthday cake..here he is, then she was preggers wiff Jennifer.. “the choux” [lil cabbage in french]back when they still lived in Bellevue.

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Birthday cake..Jimboob was in the air force and when they left here for Cali, then were stationed in Okinawa, Japan, where they renewed their wedding vows.. under a very old tree that whispered on da wind.. after several drinks of sake, that is.. when they moved back to da states, they lived in Shreveport, Lousyanna… where once, JUST ONCE, Jo and I peed in the bushes by da river then lost our balance from laughing so hard and both fell back on it, flashing Diane wiff da bearded clams and blinding her wiff science. remember, toone?

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Birthday cake..there was a time a few years ago when Jo went thru mid life crisis, thought she was a dachshund and surrounded herself with 100’s of them.. she slept wiff ‘em, bathed wiff ‘em, pooped outside wiff ‘em, and even ate wiff ‘em outta their bowl.. I’m just thankful she didn’t get fleas during that period of her life.. they skeeeeer me.

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Birthday cake..and there was the time she came for a visit and fell to the floor suddenly when the kitchen chair collapsed… which was the morning after shopping on base when I mistook Denise for a black woman in a green van, that is after knocking over some racks by da checkouts wiff the scooter.. [ya had to be there] which was the night of Jo dropping a large bowl of homemade pickled beets on da kitchen floor and we all peed our pants laughing… which consequently, Jo burned or broke something at either our house or Denise's every time she came to visit henceforth.. so we saved them all up and gave them to Jo for Christmas one year… WHAAAT.. she totally scraped off the burnt parts and reused them.. [below is Jo, Denise, and Diane] there’re all drunk on life..

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Birthday cake..January 2010 when she came for a visit to help Diane take care of me crippled gimpy broken arm..

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Birthday cake..fall of 2010 on the boardwalk.. not under it down by the sea… when I went to visit her in North Carolina..

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Birthday cake..and the infamous “old pacifier” she FINALLY gave up at the age of 49.. [I had to bribe her].

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Birthday cake..you’ve come a looong way, baby!

Birthday cake..now she’s a gramma.. her wiff Sammy the barbarian,

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Birthday cake..Jordan the gypsy,

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Birthday cake..and molly the moo [baby daddy a jersey bull]

Birthday cake..and destined to live out her life in Havelock, N.C. wiff her loving hubbster, and the outlaws.. leaving their carbon footprints in the sand a’ da deep south, eatin’ fresh seafood's at crabby patties'… until I return again to join dem…

Birthday cakeHappy Birffday, Jo!Birthday cake

Birthday cake..you ole lady, you. YOU….. ya, YOU ya ole plut..  YOU know who YOU are, maudit… YOU.

Birthday cake..look at my lil sissy, beach comber, dropper of pickled beets and breaker/burner of all things sisterly… isn't she just THE cutest, though? I lubs her..

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Birthday cake..I LUBS her so vewwy vewwy much.. in udder words, Beaucoup, Grande, Mucho, King-sized, like a big bag a’ Riesen’s.. etc.. etc.. etc..

C

“Memories, may be beautiful and yet
what's too painful to remember
we simply choose to forget
So it's the laughter we will remember, and the farting too, and the wetting of the pants from laughing too hard… ooooh,
whenever we remember
the way we were”.

Birthday cake

11 comments:

sophie...^5 said...

LISTEN C!...LISTEN UP!...I am projectile laughing and can't stop...this is going to take me awhile to read and I burst out every time a read a line!

Jabacue said...

Chris! Forget the day job and hit the comedy circuit!!! Seriously, you are a riot! You are probably hearing that a lot from everyone that knows you. You are NON-STOP. Incredible sense of humour on ya kid!
Your sister sounds lovely.....aren't they great to have around!
Jim

ChiTown Girl said...

You are seriously deranged! No wonder I love you so much :)

Happy, happy birthday, JoJo!!!

This was an AWESOME post. LOVED all the old photos. Thanks for sharing them and all the funny stories.

I think the perfect 50th birthday present would have been a trip to Chicago, but that's just me... ;-)

jo.irish.rose said...

oh my freaking word!!! what can i say?? see what i have to live with? YEAH, I LOVE IT TOO!!! thanks toone, cept for that one picture of niece, i forgive you for....lol, i will find mine and send it ASAP!!!! mine is the one where i was scared of the flash...remember? that one is niece, and the one just like it is den. i promise you, i know me own self.....i would not tell a lie. but i will send you my pic. gotta locate them. k? loved this sooooo much. your the sweetest. i love it more that my jewelry....shhhhh, dont tell. your the best. i miss you soooo much. we need to live near each udder. dang. well, tanks again. smoochies. we are going to see little fockers tonight. cant wait.

Life with Kaishon said...

This is soooooo good. Happy birthday to your Jo. I can see that you love her very much.

Perfect post.

Technodoll said...

HAPPY BIRFDAY JO.IRISH.ROSE!!

Many wishes for a wonderful year full of all the best things life has to offer!!

Much love from eastern Canada!! :-)

Clippy Mat said...

Nobody, but nobody does a montage post like you! Laughing out LOUD!
They're some crazy kid pictures too, lookit the gear ye's were wearing. Gordon Bennet! hahahaha
Happy Birthday to your sister too. She deserves a medal.
Hugs :-)

Busy Bee Suz said...

This is the funniest thing ever....I laughed all the way through and my family thinks I have lost my last marble. I LOVE LOVE LOVE all the old photos...and the new ones too. Jo is so cute, your whole family is so cute.
I am now convinced that the aliens followed you guys home cause they wanted your big ol' glasses. Surely you could see unknown planets with them.
Happy bday to Jo...I am now going to refer to her as : The normal one. :)
xoxoxoxoxo

Jason, as himself said...

What a great tribute! You really put a lot of effort into it. I'm sure Jo is thrilled!

My favorite part was how you described her pooping outside with the dachsunds.

Tracey Axnick said...

This was absolutely hysterical! This deserves like a Blog Emmy. Seriously. !!
Happy BD to your sissy!

PS: when you get a free time (in between comedy sketches), come on over to my blog.... there's a VERY embarrassing picture of me... plus I want some humorous commentary on New Years resolutions/goals for 2011!

jo.irish.rose said...

THANKS ALL FOR YOUR WONDERFUL BIRTHDAY REMARKS! AND FOR ALL CHRIS DID, SHE IS THE BEST! DID YOU SEE MY BUNNY? I WAS LOOKING ALL OVER FOR THAT THING!! GLAD SHE FOUND IT! COULD YOU MAIL IT TO ME? CAN'T REALLY SLEEP WITHOUT THAT OR MY BINKY EITHER. K? I'M DOING REALLY GOOD ON THE DACHSHUNDS THO, ONLY GOT ONE NOW, SHE IS ALMOST 11. I DON'T POOP OUT SIDE ANYMORE, SINCE I AM SOOO OLD NOW, I GO INSIDE ON A WEE WEE PAD. ITS HARD TO SQUAT AT MY AGE. THANKS AGAIN FOR ALL THE WELL WISHES AND FUN, IVE ENJOYED IT. YOU ALL ARE SUCH GOOD FRIENDS!