I haven't been online much lately, I think I needed a break. and I am going through many different emotions now due to the change of course in my life. but I am back and I will catch up with all of you…
I saw my ortho doc yesterday and he released me from workman’s comp. to go back to work with restrictions. I can’t lift anything heavier than 20 pounds and I can’t lift anything higher than my elbow on the left side.
the voc. rehab assessment I had about 3 weeks ago was grueling and I was a hurtin unit afterward. pickin up and carrying different sized and weighted wooden boxes… as if… I never do stuff like that in real life…
I had to drag very heavy garbage dumpsters across a floor.. that didn’t last long, I couldn't go very long on those either. all in all I have a permanent impairment. I can’t do chest compressions on adults any longer so that will limit my patient care to let’s say, oh, erm, NONE….
as a nurse if I can’t do CPR then I can’t work with the peeps up close and personal. I may end up in an unknown area very different from my labor and delivery dream job that I have been doing the past 11 years. but that’s ok.. I look forward to the change. I will go with the freekin flo, hoe..
only god knows where I am going and when. I now consider myself blind professionally and am accepting being led to my new area of work. I am waiting to hear from the voc. rehab peeps to be assigned a case worker to help with my placement. then I will seriously start looking. I just can’t bring myself to do that yet.
our holidays will be very sparse this year like in NO prezzies for anyone. jus’ can’t do it. our love and warmth and celebration will have to come from within, where all the most meaningful, free gifts live… it’s being with my family that means the most to me.
we will still have Christmas dinner and good movies to watch. I have already told the kids not to expect anything from us.. my sister denise who lives here, has announced that she will not be buying gifts for my family, and compared to my own situation, it really pisses me off because they live very well, and she doesn’t have financial woes…
my 2 younger kids need clothes.. she could help out if she wanted to. I know I am sounding bitter but I also know from past experience she will shower her friends with carefully thought out gifts. what happened to family first? if things were the other way around I wouldn’t hesitate to make sure her kids were taken care of, but that’s jus’ me.
it kills me that I can’t give anything to those I love… but that’s just how it is this year. even back living in my welfare days when I was putting myself through college, I accessed places like toys for tots, food pantries, the salvation army, etc… and a few local churches..
even the mother’s club I belonged to through the “Nebraska children's home society” where we adopted Nicholas and Emily, brought gifts for the kids each year until they got older… god has always taken good care of us.
I have tried to give back to my community over the years but things have always been sparse for me and mine. the help I received back in the day made all the difference in the world for my lil family.. I will never forget.
I would be lying if I said it didn’t hurt and sadden me to be so broke, but bless Rudolf's lil nose I haven't worked in over a year… we’ve been living on the fumes of a partial paycheck… I’m sure some of you have been through the same at some point. eyyy mo, what can i do? I can’t dance and its too cold to plow…
in other news along the same lines but still a different story, I have been seeing my family doc because I am diabetic and have moderate peripheral neuropathy in my feet and lower legs. it has been progressing.. I often trip over my own feet and have dizziness, and a sensation of falling, even if I am in bed or sitting. it just hits me out of the blue.
so we have looked into that along with having a nice handful of tests.. and he is going to assist me in looking into disability for the fibromyalgia and the chronic sciatica I have in my lower back. both have been flaring up nearly every day.
OMG I am just falling the fuck apart, I say… it’s very disheartening.. I have to work extra hard to keep all of my chins up. and let’s not even talk about the rest of me… some days I feel so low I have to look up to put me socks on… and just last week I felt so low I got me face slapped.
whooooooooooooa is me. whoa, I say, whoa. is. me.
as if I were a lil horsey.. well, if I was no one would be able to ride this knackered old knock kneed nose bag worn saddle nag that’s for sure. I know I’m whining, but I had to because the voices were making me… I’m done now.
we have no snow yet but it’s been very cold. our tree is up, it’s only 4 feet tall and I’ll share a lil secret wiff ya.. we leave everything on it every year, wrap it up in a plastic bag, and store it in the basement. then come the holidays, all we have to do is bring it out.. still has the ornaments and lights placed perfectly from year to year…
cuz hey, why remove/replace them every freekin year and then you never get the lights right and sometimes you might drop and break an ornament or your back gives out and eventually you get all gassed up from the stress… [takes a breath] so we call this the nifty thrifty lazy crazy way of decorating.. it works for us.. what a freekin great idea!