"...wE mUst bE thE chAnGe wE wiSh tO sEE iN thE wOrld..." K.G.

12/09/2010

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I haven't been online much lately, I think I needed a break. and I am going through many different emotions now due to the change of course in my life. but I am back and I will catch up with all of you…

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I saw my ortho doc yesterday and he released me from workman’s comp. to go back to work with restrictions. I can’t lift anything heavier than 20 pounds and I can’t lift anything higher than my elbow on the left side.

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the voc. rehab assessment I had about 3 weeks ago was grueling and I was a hurtin unit afterward. pickin up and carrying different sized and weighted wooden boxes… as if… I never do stuff like that in real life…

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I had to drag very heavy garbage dumpsters across a floor.. that didn’t last long, I couldn't go very long on those either. all in all I have a permanent impairment. I can’t do chest compressions on adults any longer so that will limit my patient care to let’s say, oh, erm, NONE….

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as a nurse if I can’t do CPR then I can’t work with the peeps up close and personal. I may end up in an unknown area very different from my labor and delivery dream job that I have been doing the past 11 years. but that’s ok.. I look forward to the change. I will go with the freekin flo, hoe..

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only god knows where I am going and when. I now consider myself blind professionally and am accepting being led to my new area of work. I am waiting to hear from the voc. rehab peeps to be assigned a case worker to help with my placement. then I will seriously start looking. I just can’t bring myself to do that yet.

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our holidays will be very sparse this year like in NO prezzies for anyone. jus’ can’t do it. our love and warmth and celebration will have to come from within, where all the most meaningful, free gifts live… it’s being with my family that means the most to me.

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we will still have Christmas dinner and good movies to watch. I have already told the kids not to expect anything from us.. my sister denise who lives here, has announced that she will not be buying gifts for my family, and compared to my own situation, it really pisses me off because they live very well, and she doesn’t have financial woes…

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my 2 younger kids need clothes.. she could help out if she wanted to. I know I am sounding bitter but I also know from past experience she will shower her friends with carefully thought out gifts. what happened to family first? if things were the other way around I wouldn’t hesitate to make sure her kids were taken care of, but that’s jus’ me.

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it kills me that I can’t give anything to those I love… but that’s just how it is this year. even back living in my welfare days when I was putting myself through college, I accessed places like toys for tots, food pantries, the salvation army, etc… and a few local churches..

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even the mother’s club I belonged to through the “Nebraska children's home society” where we adopted Nicholas and Emily, brought gifts for the kids each year until they got older… god has always taken good care of us.

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I have tried to give back to my community over the years but things have always been sparse for me and mine. the help I received back in the day made all the difference in the world for my lil family.. I will never forget.

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I would be lying if I said it didn’t hurt and sadden me to be so broke, but bless Rudolf's lil nose I haven't worked in over a year… we’ve been living on the fumes of a partial paycheck… I’m sure some of you have been through the same at some point. eyyy mo, what can i do? I can’t dance and its too cold to plow…

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in other news along the same lines but still a different story, I have been seeing my family doc because I am diabetic and have moderate peripheral neuropathy in my feet and lower legs. it has been progressing.. I often trip over my own feet and have dizziness, and a sensation of falling, even if I am in bed or sitting. it just hits me out of the blue.

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so we have looked into that along with having a nice handful of tests.. and he is going to assist me in looking into disability for the fibromyalgia and the chronic sciatica I have in my lower back. both have been flaring up nearly every day.

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OMG I am just falling the fuck apart, I say… it’s very disheartening.. I have to work extra hard to keep all of my chins up. and let’s not even talk about the rest of me… some days I feel so low I have to look up to put me socks on… and just last week I felt so low I got me face slapped.

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whooooooooooooa is me. whoa, I say, whoa. is. me.

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as if I were a lil horsey.. well, if I was no one would be able to ride this knackered old knock kneed nose bag worn saddle nag that’s for sure. I know I’m whining, but I had to because the voices were making me… I’m done now.

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we have no snow yet but it’s been very cold. our tree is up, it’s only 4 feet tall and I’ll share a lil secret wiff ya.. we leave everything on it every year, wrap it up in a plastic bag, and store it in the basement. then come the holidays, all we have to do is bring it out.. still has the ornaments and lights placed perfectly from year to year…

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cuz hey, why remove/replace them every freekin year and then you never get the lights right and sometimes you might drop and break an ornament or your back gives out and eventually you get all gassed up from the stress… [takes a breath] so we call this the nifty thrifty lazy crazy way of decorating.. it works for us.. what a freekin great idea!

who knew…?

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C

 

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hey, ya dirty you-know-what...I've been thinking of you a lot lately, wondering how "things" are. I'm sending you happy thoughts, hugs, and if I actually had any money- you would be the first person I would share it with!! You could always be a shrinkaroni in your next life...I know you'd be good at it! Keeping you in my prayers!! I love ya-from one dirty-you-know-what to another.

greg said...

You give your family so much love and I'm sure that's enough for them. Food, family and warmth. <3

ChiTown Girl said...

I was cracking up about your tree, cuz when I was a wee little tot, and we lived in our old house, my mom used to do the same thing! Our house had a huge walk-up attic, and my parents would just carry the whole tree up there every year after the holidays, and cover with a sheet. Great minds think alike!!!

I'm sorry to hear about your body betraying you like that. Mine hasn't been kind to me much, either. WTF?! Can't we trade ours in for new ones?

I was thinking about your work life, and what the next step might be. One of my very good friends is a labor & delivery nurse, too (she practically delivered Stud, as well as both my nieces, and pretty much every baby in our family!) and one of her side jobs lately has been overnight nurse/nanny. Believe it or not, there are people with money burning holes in their pockets (who knew!) that actually hire someone else to take care of their babies overnight. We wouldn't want Mom to lose any beauty sleep, ya know! (Ok, I know there are people who legitimately need someone there to help them, especially if the delivery involved surgery, etc. But, the people my friend worked for just were filthy rich, and mom wanted to go right back to work. She couldn't be up all night and then go to work, now could she?!) Anyway, maybe it's something to look into. Then, you'd still be able to be around the yummy babies. Not everyone needs overnight help, some need help during the day, too. Just a thought...

Dysfunctional Mom said...

I was wondering where you'd been!
I love how you do your tree, that's great.
Everything is going to work out and you're going to end up happier than ever....I can just feel it!

Busy Bee Suz said...

I love Chi's career idea....look into it C.
I am sorry you are having so many health issues...that really sucks reindeer parts.
I will be praying for you, sending up some good mojo.
LOVE your tree idea...you are so smart.

Jabacue said...

We have had so much in common, Chris! I have been on disability for 2 years now due to an accident off work time. It hurts but we are fine... ..and so are you Chris! So glad I didn't get injured on the job! by the sounds of your story with Workmen's Comp!!! We had a major salary cut too!
You have your priorities straight and that's all that is important. Good to vent though, eh?
Jim

Technodoll said...

OK your tree idea? brilliant. I might just be tempted to try it this year... hmmm. We'll see if hubby can be convinced.

I already said it before and I'll say it again, your sister isn't wired right. I'm sorry you're related to such a grinch. If I had any money I'd certainly send some your way, just because you're one of the most fab women I know, so generous and REAL.

Karma will get you back, someday, someway. It already has blessed you with wonderful kids, a great sister, Diane... :-)

As for your career, if you love working with babies so much why not get into the paperwork aspect of it? every hospital needs people behind the desk to sort out the phones, the filing, meeting and greeting people, helping out in all ways that aren't physical. You could perhaps stay in your environment that way?

Dunno, just thinking out loud here... xoxo