"...wE mUst bE thE chAnGe wE wiSh tO sEE iN thE wOrld..." K.G.



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what would the start of the new year be without resolutions, HMMM? well, I used to make them when I was waaaay younger but in the past 25 years or so, I’d given up because I could never stick to them. that made me feel like a total failure so I said screw that. [however I used the F word at the time]. I’m trying to clean up my fucking act now.

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here are my 2011 new year’s resolutions that if I cannot achieve and maintain, then I must be a really stupid snot nosed drunken moron poopy faced monkey.

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1. no more placing my chewing gum under tables in restaurants… that’s just wrong. it’s already pretty full under there and I hate running into gum wads other deviants have left for “searchers of unknown things under tables” like meself. I don’t know where that gum has been. years ago my brother and I used to pick those babies to chew cuz our mother deprived us terribly in the chewing gum department. enough said. she is no longer in this world. that’ll teach ya, MOTHER.

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B. I am going to honk my horn from now on at EVERY person I see picking their nose stopped at a traffic light. I used to turn away and pretend not to see them because I didn’t want them to feel embarrassed that I did, in fact, see them.. and then I’d throw up in my mouth a little.. but NO MORE. you bastards SHOULD be embarrassed. it is gross to do such a thing while others can see you. and for those of you who actually EAT it, get a frikking room like the rest of us have to.

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3. why, I ask WHY is it every. frikking. time. that I’m on the throne in a public restroom minding me own bizness while doing me bizness and I’m the ONLY one in the whole restroom that has 80 stalls to choose from… does that one bitch waddle in to crap in the one right next to mine? well, in the past I would slip my lil hand under the wall and flick my BIC.. yeah, there would be a small fire but that would teach her to move her ass right on down the line. well, I feel bad now for doing that, so I am adding it to my resolutions list to never. do. dat. again. pinky promise.

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4. I am giving up calling the wife a total BITCH in jest. ya know, as in part of fiveplay? yeah. cuz when I’m really mad and call her one she doesn’t even flinch anymore. I took the fun out of my own dysFUNction.. and it’s down right time to add it back in.

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E. beginning on January the first, I am going to only eat healthy foods. I AM in control of what goes into my mouth.

bwahahahahahahah yeah, right. that’s a good’un.

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6. I will no longer pass gas in an elevator I am exiting when I know some people will be getting on right after I get off. [so to speak]. it’s a rude and kinda shitty thing to do and I will no longer partake in said ritual. [for those of you who continue to perform this mini injustice… I hope you crap yo’ pants.. specially you old farts].

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7. ya know when you run to the grocery store to just buy one item and you end up spending $201.43? Diane I need to stop that before someone kills her me.

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H. H is for HORES… NUN HORES. NUNS who sideline as HORES for extra money. such as i. but I’m kickin the habit.

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9. I am giving up wearing my son’s underwear's when I run out and am too lazy to do laundry. plus, I’m MUCH bigger than him and I stretch those babies right out so they fall off him in public. now he’s been incarcerated for indecent exposure so after he spends the holidays in the slammer, I best give it up.

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10. I am vowing to never EVER again saran wrap under the toilet seats in our home just to be cute. it’s a cruel, cruel thing to do, specially when I’m the only one who finds it funny. I’m sick and tired of being alone in my humor.

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well, there’s my top ten. I’m sure I have many more improvements to make but I’ll start with these.

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and you, dear one? do you have any resolutions or do you smugly arrogantly conceitedly consider you are perfect and don’t have to change a single. freaking. thing. about yo’self… hmmmm? oh do tell.

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ChiTown Girl said...

I'm fairly certain that the new career you're going to start in 2011 is stand up comedian.

Well, if it was me, I'd be a sit down comedian cuz I don't like to stand that long....

Clippy Mat said...

you killed me.
I love your resolutions!
I love your sense of humour.
Just give us more of that in 2011!
Best wishes to you and yours for a Happy New Year x

greg said...

Happy New Year's Eve!

Busy Bee Suz said...

Oh my lord, where do you come up with all this stuff? I think I have finally met someone wackier than me: YOU.
I saw a guy digging to china the other day....in his car; in his nose. Grossers. I should have blew my horn at him. I will next time.
I promise to never ever choose the stall next to you when I need to drop a load. Ok?
And we all know I am perfect, so I won't need any resolutions.
Ok, nevermind. I am a nun hore too. Whatever the hell that is.

Merry New Year. Or happy. whatev.

Love to you, Diane, the kids and my future dog in law: Bella.

ChiTown Girl said...

Oh my hell! Did Little Miss Prim and Proper (aka Suz!) just use the phrase "drop a load" in her comment??! WTF? She really IS a nun hore! (Love you, Suz!!)

sophie...^5 said...

2011...the funniest person on the planet...why who would dat be...why it's YOU baby girl! So keep 'em comin' and I'll keep larfin' my arse off! Happy Shmappy New Years to you and yours! Now, who's a good girl? love it!

Jude said...

LMAO! These are perfect resolutions but geeezzz, have you left anything to have fun with for the year?

#6 hit home with me....I need to stop farting in the grocery store and then dashing up the isle leaving Mrs Jude in the haze and the blame. ;) No, I can't give that one up.

Happy New Year my friend!

jo.irish.rose said...

toone, these are hell are eee ous!!! butt, then i knew that u would write some good stuff...

i have been in the stall next to you, never a fun place to be....very noisy!!!

i have done the saran wrap thing to the nuns at notre dame when i was in 6th grade....i was a bad girl then...

and i always always always get next to the person picking their nose in the line at the light. why, i ask? cuz they need for me to see them eat it. disgustingly so. GROSS! i say. as i vomit a little in my mouth. well at least they are getting a little something to eat. ewwwww....better them than me!!! im dieting now!!!

Jabacue said...

Resolutions? What are they!? You really do have DEEP SEEDED problems and I am very concerned for you....no, I am more concerned for those who sit on the 'saraned' toilet!!! lol
Keep it up Chris in 2011......love it!