"...wE mUst bE thE chAnGe wE wiSh tO sEE iN thE wOrld..." K.G.


i feel like summer has flown right by and i am not ready for it to be over. in the pool this afternoon i was having weird feelings that i couldn't pinpoint at the time, but then it all came together in my mind.. the summer sun has already shifted to the late summer/early September shade of sun.. and my body can feel the difference, because it brings back different memories from my childhood..

i think i have mentioned before that when i was being sexually abused as a child, i would dissociate in my mind whilst the fucker perpetrated my body. i would focus very intensely on the window in his room, and the way the sunlight shone through it.. all the while wishing someone would come and rescue me. of course no one did, and as a survival mechanism the shades of sunlight must have been recorded in my mind. every time i have seen the same particular shades throughout my life, i have always gone right back in time to the moments it was happening to me. i cant help it, its an auto response thing that i have no control over.

so today as i was in the pool, i went there in my mind and my body reacted before i even knew what hit me. i asked Diane and my nephew who were here if they noticed the sun looked different and they both laughed and said i was acting senile. i laughed too, but didn't connect everything until later.


it must sound really weird to people who have no clue what i mean or have never associated trauma with their surroundings, i guess.. maybe its a part of post traumatic stress disorder, all i know is that it is very real to me and i absolutely hate having the body flashbacks, the oppressive feeling that i am being suffocated and trapped, and that i want to die in that moment. i don't mean kill myself die... i mean just leave my body there for him to do whatever and I go somewhere else far away and safe, die.

oh wOw..

wait a hold it...

post traumatic stress disorder?


i have only now as i wrote it, realized that it probably is what i have been experiencing all these years because there have been times in my life when i had flashbacks triggered by the way it looked outside, and couldn't get out of bed, my emotional pain was so intense it would cripple me.. i even wrote something to that effect in my profile for this blog years ago... and I'm just now connecting all the dots.


i need to process this.

if anyone has any experience with anything like this i would like to know and maybe it would give me a clearer perspective.



ChiTown Girl said...

Wow, that poem is moving. I'm glad you've made this "discovery," and hope it helps you find some kind of peace, and/or other ways to deal with these episodes.

{{{hugs}}} to you, my sweet friend!

Clippy Mat said...

the deeper you dig, the more dirt you unearth, but what will be left will be a clean void which you can fill with your good memories and your great life experiences, of which you have many.
thanks as always for your insight.

Busy Bee Suz said...

Ditto to Clippy and Chi...
I hope this brings you closer to healing.
hugs to you my friend, Suz

Jason, as himself said...

I am so sorry you have to deal with this. It is just another testament to how people who do this to kids are stealing so, so much from them.

I truly hope you can get things sorted out in your mind soon.

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Technodoll said...

Oh hun, i don't know what to say... this breaks my heart :-(

I guess the breakthrough is a big step towards healing though - this is good, yes??