i try to handle every obstacle that has come my way this past year... from my first injury to my shoulder that healed on it's own, without the need of surgery- to this last injury and all i have been through with this. i have worked hard at keeping my faith that things will work out for me. i have cowgirled-up, as they say.
i just got a phone call from my primary physician that i have seen for over 5 years now... cancelling me as a patient. the office informed me i would either have to pay cash for everything from here on out, or find a clinic that charges according to your income. they proceeded to give me the phone numbers for 2 clinics, and then i noticed the addresses. they are in a very bad part of town.
i am so freaking angry right now i can hardly type.. i have been fired from my regular doctor, they don't wanna work with me during this difficult time of not being employed and having no health insurance. bastards. all anyone cares about anymore is money. i worked with this doctor at the hospital, i know him personally and his office still fired me!
i feel like i am back to square one when i used to be on welfare when the kids were little and i had to stand in line at food pantries, donation centers, and warehouses that gave away powdered milk, powdered eggs and the like of those things... as commodities for the poor. i would receive flour and sugar, cereal, & other boxed items, only to find worms & bugs in them from having sat on the shelf too long..
its hard enough emotionally to live on welfare when you need to, but the rest of society categorizes you into some kind of scumbag low class citizen that should be thankful to be receiving any assistance, no matter what the condition of the food is.. they toss you the shit no one else would eat. i hated how that made me feel back then and it feels like that now- i am not a scumbag low life person. i worked my ass off to put myself through college being a single parent with 4 small kids. i REFUSED to settle for living on welfare permanently... because that's how i grew up. we never had much and my mother never made an effort to work, have a career, go to school, or even learn to drive. so when i found myself in the same situation i vowed i would not settle like she did.
i built a career for myself and until this injury, we were doing alright. i freaking fell AT work tripping over THEIR wires and now as a result of my recovery taking so long, i have lost my job- my health insurance- and now my freaking doctor. i am running out of my medications, and i am beginning to feel unwell.. and this bullshit is just the last straw!
right now i cannot grasp onto my faith- and that hurts me deeply. maybe i will be able to later, but for now i am too angry, i feel betrayed, shit on, and fucked up the ass without lube.
at this point, i am worth more dead, than alive. how ironic is that? [and no, i am not suicidal, it's just the truth].
i did call just now to make an appointment for Thursday morning.. i have to meet with the financial counselor before i see a doctor, to work out what they will charge me. i have to bring proof of income blah blah blah... this will be such a treat. i live for shit like this. maybe by next week i will be able to see a doctor. oh.. another funny thing is they couldn't even give me the names of the doctors who work there- as they rotate throughout the clinics. so chances of seeing the same one each time, is nil.
and here's the cherry on my ice cream sundae-
for the past several weeks, i have had numbness in the last 2 fingers of my injured arm, which extends all the way to my shoulder. my PT therapist said it's the ulna nerve being compressed. i had to call my workman's comp. caseworker today to ask her to speak with my orthopedic surgeon [this is all covered by workman's comp.] to inform him i have this numbness. i see him next Tuesday. she asked me if i slept with my arm bent... how the hell would i know that, since i am asleep. but shouldn't i be able to bend it, anyway? do all people keep their arms straight whilst they sleep? just one more thing. i prolly now have nerve damage [the cherry on my sundae]... and what scares me is there is still hot fudge, whipped cream, and nuts to come..
gimme a freaking break.