Today is my youngest son Christopher's birffday. he is 18. he has transformed from a child into a young man right before my very eyes. and it all went by much too fast! i am so full of emotion that i don't know if i can 'splain it all, Lucy.
When he was 2 years old he came to me as i was on the toilet, crying. [ya know how when the tots are lil, they follow you everywhere..] he had big old tears in his eyes and said "i wanna go back" to which i replied, go back to where honey? he said "i don't like it here i wanna go back to the other place, with gramma" and just poured his little heart out sobbing uncontrollably. i scooped him up, kissed him, and tried to comfort him. eventually, he calmed down and i clung him to me all day... reassuring him he was supposed to be here... and that yes he would see gramma again one day.
My mother passed away in 1989. this was in 1994. my heart nearly stopped because i had not yet spoken to him or Alex about my mother. they never met her as Nicholas and Emily had.
The only thing that makes sense to me is maybe she took care of him where ever we all come from, until he was ready to be born. there must be some sort of holding place for all souls until they get born... where else could a child that age get that kind of thought?
I have been so blessed to have him as my son, he is such a neat kid- erm, young man, now. we will be going out on the town just he and i later when he gets home from school. i do this with each one of my kids on their birffdays, it's tradition.
Christopher is my son who taught himself how to speak better French than i... [and it was my first language]. we found out yesterday that he won first place top honor at school for the national French exam!
He taught himself how to play the alto sax, first... then the bassoon, which he won a scholarship for this fall at UNO. [our university]. whatever he puts his mind to, he seems to excel in. i love him SO much, and i am SO proud of him- my life would not have meant as much without him in it.
Now, as every parent must, i have to let go of the role i have played in his life up to this point. i will ALWAYS be his mama and guide him, but i need to step aside and watch the human i helped raise become the man he was always supposed to be.
I have to ask god to forgive me for all the wrongs I've done and for all those things a parent should do and i didn't because i didn't know better. i did the best i could with what i knew at the time, but its ironic the older i become, the more i look back and think i wish i would have done....
All i can do now about the past is validate for him any leftover hurts or resentments he has, answer any questions he has, and ask him to understand that i really did everything out of love for him, to the best of my knowledge at the time... as i did for all 4 kids.
Yes, my peeps, you do hear tons of guilt in this post. and i can assure you it comes from having raised them alone... from trying to meet all of their needs and wants yet still feeling inadequate. i will never ever feel as though i did enough in my heart- although in retrospect i cannot see how i could have done more. their dad was absent. i always tried to be both parents to them but you can't be.
And i guess i have SO much more emotion right now because he is my baby, my last one... and i don't want to let go even though i know i have to.
Christopher 9 months [left]
and Alex 1.
Such wonderful memories to keep me entertained when i am old and my body no longer works..
Where does the time go?
In my opinion, babies should take twice as long to grow up..