"...wE mUst bE thE chAnGe wE wiSh tO sEE iN thE wOrld..." K.G.

4/13/2010

whO's a biG bOy...?

Today is my youngest son Christopher's birffday. he is 18. he has transformed from a child into a young man right before my very eyes. and it all went by much too fast!  i am so full of emotion that i don't know if i can 'splain it all, Lucy.

When he was 2 years old he came to me as i was on the toilet, crying. [ya know how when the tots are lil, they follow you everywhere..] he had big old tears in his eyes and said "i wanna go back" to which i replied, go back to where honey? he said "i don't like it here i wanna go back to the other place, with gramma" and just poured his little heart out sobbing uncontrollably. i scooped him up, kissed him, and tried to comfort him. eventually, he calmed down and i clung him to me all day... reassuring him he was supposed to be here... and that yes he would see gramma again one day.

My mother passed away in 1989. this was in 1994. my heart nearly stopped because i had not yet spoken to him or Alex about my mother. they never met her as Nicholas and Emily had.

The only thing that makes sense to me is maybe she took care of him where ever we all come from, until he was ready to be born. there must be some sort of holding place for all souls until they get born... where else could a child that age get that kind of thought?

I have been so blessed to have him as my son, he is such a neat kid- erm, young man, now. we will be going out on the town just he and i later when he gets home from school. i do this with each one of my kids on their birffdays, it's tradition.

Christopher is my son who taught himself how to speak better French than i... [and it was my first language]. we found out yesterday that he won first place top honor at school for the national French exam!

He taught himself how to play the alto sax, first... then the bassoon, which he won a scholarship for this fall at UNO. [our university]. whatever he puts his mind to, he seems to excel in. i love him SO much, and i am SO proud of him- my life would not have meant as much without him in it.

Now, as every parent must, i have to let go of the role i have played in his life up to this point. i will ALWAYS be his mama and guide him, but i need to step aside and watch the human i helped raise become the man he was always supposed to be.

I have to ask god to forgive me for all the wrongs I've done and for all those things a parent should do and i didn't because i didn't know better. i did the best i could with what i knew at the time, but its ironic the older i become, the more i look back and think i wish i would have done....

All i can do now about the past is validate for him any leftover hurts or resentments he has, answer any questions he has, and ask him to understand that i really did everything out of love for him, to the best of my knowledge at the time... as i did for all 4 kids.

Yes, my peeps, you do hear tons of guilt in this post. and i can assure you it comes from having raised them alone... from trying to meet all of their needs and wants yet still feeling inadequate. i will never ever feel as though i did enough in my heart- although in retrospect i cannot see how i could have done more. their dad was absent. i always tried to be both parents to them but you can't be.

And i guess i have SO much more emotion right now because he is my baby, my last one... and i don't want to let go even though i know i have to.   

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Christopher 9 months [left]

and Alex 1.

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Christopher [hat]

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Christopher 2009

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Such wonderful memories to keep me entertained when i am old and my body no longer works..

Where does the time go?

In my opinion, babies should take twice as long to grow up..

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11 comments:

joe said...

Happy Birthday Christopher ;^)

joe said...

... he's so damn cute..

C said...

awwwww thanks, joe... yes he is!

c

greg said...

Happy 18th! Looks like you did a fine job, C! You should be as proud of yourself as you are of him.

kimber p said...

your description of your son is also a wonderful tribute to the love, time and energy you spent in turning him into an adult you can be proud of.....congratulations to you both. :)

Busy Bee Suz said...

Happiest of birthdays to Christopher. (He is such a cutie!)
Don't be guilt ridden Mama...you did the best you could and seriously...he is a good kid, right? The proof is in the puddin'..he is a fine young man! You did good!!!!

That corgi :) said...

Happy Birthday to Christopher! He sounds like a wonderful, talented young man! I'm sure he will do great in life. I think all of us moms have guilts and should have's, shouldn't haves, but we do the best we can with what we have to work with and in the end, its usually a lot better than we thought we did. He sounds like a fine young man; I think you did great with him

I agree with you. I wish the years don't go by as fast as they do with raising these kids of ours. Best advice I always tell new moms is to treasure the moment and don't rush the kids lifes along because before you know it, you blink, and they are 18 and graduating from high school. Told my son (who had his moments in high school,lots of moments) on the day he graduated high school "I would do it all over again, the good, the bad, the ugly" and I meant it. But now at 21 he is growing into a really okay kid and I look forward to seeing where he goes with it

hope you and your son have a great day today celebrating his special day!

betty

Maria said...

Isn't it funny how no matter how we start in tributes to our children, we all have that guilt sneak in? I think I am a fairly good mother but sometimes I look at my daughter when I pick her up from school and I feel like apologizing to her the second that she climbs into the car for that time when she was two and I lost my temper in the grocery store and called her a "little snot."

jo.irish.rose said...

we all have guilts and should haves, but if we didnt, then we weould be perfect, and all Jesus! and that isnt gonna fly...all our colors and differences is what makes life so interesting and exciting. sometimes it is unbearable...but the times that they look at you with those eyes, and give you that little kiss and hug or say that cute little something, it is all worth the cornflakes on the ceiling...anytime, all the time...give those two birthday boys (men) the biggest, sloppiest birthday kisses from their favorite auntie....i love them to pieces, wish i was there to celebrate with you all, i am in my heart and spirit. je t'aime!

ChiTown Girl said...

Happy, happy birthday, Christopher!!

Aw, C, your love and pride is oozing from this post. I finished it in tears. You are a wonderful mommy, and you raised a wonderful son.

otin said...

Happy Birthday to Christopher, he sounds like an amazing young man!