it's about 5:30 am, and i just returned from visiting some friends at my former unit. whilst i was there, i cleaned out my mailbox and locker. pulling my children's and grandson's pictures off of my locker and the finality of it made me well up with tears as i have been there 10 years. one of the nurses there that i know but isn't one of my closest friends said "let's face it Chris, you'll never be able to do patient care again". it felt like a knife in my heart. that's all i have ever known, and i am not ready to give that up. yes, i did clean out my locker but that is because i do not foresee going back to that unit. however i still have the hope of doing the same thing at another hospital within the same company. maybe she's right and i wont be able to return in my previous capacity, but that's not what i needed to hear tonight. i am sure she meant well but WTF? once again, i need to stay focused and remain in positive thought. something good will come along for me. i am pushing all caution aside and believing, even if blindly, that it is true.
she is NOT the boss of me...
it has been raining for the past few days and as i drove home, it has begun to turn into freezing rain...erm SNOW... but we'll see when daylight appears. i drove home slowly, hardly any one on the road, just watching and hearing the half frozen flakes hitting the windshield and rooftop of my car... i love that sound.
i am feeling melancholy, trying to totally take in the changing phases of my life. i am savoring the moments as a part of me stands over myself observing everything that is happening, and at the same time comforting myself that all will be well. i really believe it. and that is SO freeing to me.
change has always frightened me. and i know it's because of how i grew up. i can't remember a time i felt safe and secure. i always felt like i was the adult providing those factors to my family... so many nights I'd lay awake on my bed watching out my window for strangers who might break in and hurt my family... yeah, i used to do that and plan out our escape route etc...
but change today doesn't have to mean the same things it did back then. i can be excited to watch what god has planned for me, unfold. and i can look forward to the next part of my journey. i am slowly painfully learning that change doesn't mean bad things will happen.
no one can make me believe these things no matter how much they say it to me- it has to come from within myself. i will be there for MYSELF.
despite all this adversity happening to me, i AM getting stronger. i AM filling up some of the emptiness within me which my depression has caused. i AM becoming closer to wholeness.... as the indigo girls sing:
"Well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable
And lightness has a call that's hard to hear
I wrap my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it, I'm crawling on your shore.
I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in a crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine"
that shore used to be other people. now that shore is myself. no one can ever fill us up, it HAS to come from within. because that's where God is.... and right now, i can FEEL that.
and it feels good.
what's really ironic is this is the same song that gave me strength and hope during my transition from being married to David to becoming a single mom to realizing i was a lesbian. it holds many memories for me. i can look back and see my personal growth during those times, as i hope to one day look back at these days and see the same.
"everything can be a gift, depending on how you look at it."
[i just made that up!]