"...wE mUst bE thE chAnGe wE wiSh tO sEE iN thE wOrld..." K.G.


depression, feeling lost, and other little healthy snacks...


i really don't know where i am at in my life, right now. i am in a very dark place tonight. i feel like i had some sort of secret internal instructions within me for how to live life, what steps to take and in which order to do so etc.... for most of my life... i could SEE a future weather accurate or not. i could imagine and SEE one.

i am realizing within the past year or more, fear settles within me and i feel lost. i feel as though i don't know what tomorrow will bring. i feel like i haven't made the best choices back in the day that will affect my future and it's starting to catch up with me, leaving me feeling hopeless, and stupid. and i haven't been able to picture a future for myself. that's the scary part. i cant picture one. it feels SO unknown that i cant imagine one..


i know damn well i never had internal secret instructions on how to go about life all those years... i am no Inspector Gadget... but that's what it feels like. i had something like direction. maybe it was just internal guidance, but there was something... and i felt like i had time. now i feel as though my time is running out.

i wish i had known then what i know now, ya know? too late for that though, and i have to live out my life within the confines of the results of decisions i made earlier in life. concrete things like retirement plans, financial planning, parenting decisions... career decisions... acquiring my own home.... something to leave the kids when I'm gone.. and the every day bits of knowledge one should know how to do when they grow up.

i am reaping what i have sown.manzara_by_n_s_n things i cannot change now even if i tried.

i have depression. i usually do alright with it as i take Fuckitol Zoloft daily. but since i have been home due to my injury, everything feels like it is piling up on me. i am so emotional, i cry for no reason. my arm still seems to hurt more than it should at this stage of recovery. i am worried and uncertain what my career future holds. financial woes and worries, some of which have resulted from my poor money management, others due to circumstances not in my control.

i have an overwhelming list of things i need to do, should be doing, would LIKE to do, and can't seem to motivate myself to even get started. my sister Denise, and Diane, have been doing everything in their power to help me [aside from money] and i watch as if i am on the outside, looking in. it's MY life yet i don't feel like i am in it. WTF, i scream is THAT all about?  i need a drink.


you prolly all think i am a weirdo now, well, i am but truly, this is what i am going through. i told Diane tonight that i feel like i am losing my mind. and if i am, I'm scared no one will find and return it.

have any of you ever felt this way at some point of your lives, and if so, WTF helped you get through it?

AM i going crazy?

AM i in midlife crisis? my inquiring mind wants to know.

where is my sense of direction and how do i get there... can anyone throw me a bone map? 




Chloe said...

Honey, everybody has those days. Don't worry, you're not alone. But don't beat yourself up for what you have done or not done in the past. You're a better person now for all those things.

DysFUNctional Mom said...

I agree with Chloe, wise advice.
Also, can you talk to your doctor about it? Maybe the Zoloft needs to be upped, or changed. YOu've gone through a lot lately and you may need some more help, or just to talk to someone.
Good luck.

Busy Bee Suz said...

I have had mild bouts of depression, but it was always due to circumstances in my life at the time. Sadness.
I think this is because of your injury, you are down..literally down. Hindered.
Plus, it is flippin' winter, dreary and not fun.
Perhaps a visit to the Dr?
I do hope you feel better...and you can get out of this funk, but if not, go see Dr. feel good.


ChiTown Girl said...

I wish I could deliver some hugs in person for once. :(

I'll be praying that this funk passes sooner, rather than later. I agree with Chloe - your past, and the choices you've made in the past, all make you the awesome woman you are now. Don't dwell on them, or EVER feel you are being punished because of them. This, too, shall pass...

Technodoll said...

Well everyone's given very sage and wholesome advice, the only thing that I could pitch in would be to remember that for every high there is a low, life is a pendulum and you are on the upswing even if you don't see it right now.

Damn stretch of winter has many people down, it's hard right now. You're injured, you're out of your element and your routine, you're on pain meds that can mess up your Fuckitol meds - you know?

Love ya babe, hugs from afar and don't let this funk hang around too long, go kick its ass!

Clippy Mat said...

when you're stuck in a rut, which you are right now, between healing and not being able to get around and DO for yourself, it's only natural that the blues come calling.
they have got a sitting target.

i admire your honesty. i would not be able to share my angst as you do. i think (hope) it must be therapeutic.
don't worry about the past. easy for anyone to say i know but after all we have no control over it now. it's done. and none of us know what the future has in store anyway, no matter how much we have or don't have. "what does it profit a man etc etc."
just keep moving forward and don't be so hard on yourself. you have a good wife and a good family. a great sense of humour and a rare talent for writing from the heart.
not forgetting you have some good bloggy buddies.
the only thing you (we) have control over is the here and now.
so we should try to remember to live in the moment.
pat x

C said...

chloie, dys, chichi, suz,TD, and clippy- i love you guys. i am a bit better tonight and your comments all really helped alot. i so appreciate it. clippy, yes it is very theraputic for me to journal on here... it's the only way i know... i have a clearer view tonight... again, thank you.. and also to my lil sis jojo who sent her comment in an email... 6pages long i might add... lol
ya know how sisters are...


Anonymous said...

That you're sharing this means that you are fighting it and that's a very good sign. Like everyone else wrote, considering what you've been through recently, it makes perfect sense that you're feeling so helpless and hopeless. Try not to pile everything up like that, it will look worse than it is. The light will certainly come back, just know that. It's on its way.

dont eat the token said...

So sorry you're feeling this way but I'm happy to read in your comments here that you're starting to feel a little better!

I've been feeling lost too, I totally hear ya!

Totally random advice: try tanning in a tanning bed for 5min at a time, for a few times. Doing that has helped me during winter in the past, especially after I've been really ill and took a long time to recover.


C said...

thanks for that advice, dont. i heard that before and i will see about trying that.


otin said...

The human brain is amazing! a little thing that looks like a piece of sponge, allows us to analyze and over analyze to the point where we make ourselves unhappy. At some point, you need to just say, "Fuck it! I am going to smile today, no matter what happens." If you smile just a couple days in a row, then that may start a happy streak!

Maria said...

I call these moods my "black dogs." I just have to wait them out. It takes patience.

And I think I get worse when I have time on my hands. The worst depressions I ever had were when I stayed home to raise Liv for five years. Too much time to think.

It is best to stay very busy when you see those dogs coming. You can't really dodge them, but you can lock them out of your house if you stay very busy.

La Roo said...

Being a nurse I'm going to assume that meds seem to be the answer for most things. Maybe I'm wrong in saying that.
Zoloft isn't going to help what digs at you, it just numbs it. Been there.
You probably know I've been through quite a bit in my life, right?
Tried many things in my life and until I got real and let myself go see a therapist.
4 years of therapy and found out a shit load of stuff that I didn't even know I was harboring. Just to be able to sit and cry and feel and understand those deep issues, is so freeing.
Do I still have ups and downs? You bet. But they are dealt with a lot better and it doesn't seem so low I can get out.
You scare me, I think because I see a lot of myself in you.
Please know you are so worth the time and effort. You are not crazy, you are a sweet woman with some deep rooted feelings.
Be well.
x Laroo

C said...

otin, maria, and laroo, thank you all for your great kind words of comfort. all of you who left a comment, are right, and i WILL kick my own ass out of this...

yes laroo, 9 years in therapy and the 12 step program so yes, i know what you mean.
i know i will be alright, it's jsut that i have very dark moments every now and then. writing here is theraputic for me. i appreciate everyone being patient with me whilst i work through my demons.
i love you all!
i consider you all my fave peeps.


Me said...

Well I'm a late reader! (Probably due to a funk going around this house as well!)

I get it. It's HARD. Somedays we can beat the crap out of ourselves and still.... nothing fixes that empty "rut" feeling inside...

Wrestling with past decisions is one of the many demons we face in life.... There are SO many things to worry about when we try to look into our futures and judge them from our pasts....

BUT, like you've mentioned in comments for me.... everything happens for a reason... I stand right by every decision I've ever made financially, child wise, relationship wise. Every single good and bad decision has shed light or insight into who I am or what I will become. We all just need the courage to know that good or bad, there was reasoning behind evrything we've done or will do...

Hugs from the midwest :)

(And this may be an off question but have you and your partner been to the Womyn's Fest in Michigan before?)