i really don't know where i am at in my life, right now. i am in a very dark place tonight. i feel like i had some sort of secret internal instructions within me for how to live life, what steps to take and in which order to do so etc.... for most of my life... i could SEE a future weather accurate or not. i could imagine and SEE one.
i am realizing within the past year or more, fear settles within me and i feel lost. i feel as though i don't know what tomorrow will bring. i feel like i haven't made the best choices back in the day that will affect my future and it's starting to catch up with me, leaving me feeling hopeless, and stupid. and i haven't been able to picture a future for myself. that's the scary part. i cant picture one. it feels SO unknown that i cant imagine one..
i know damn well i never had internal secret instructions on how to go about life all those years... i am no Inspector Gadget... but that's what it feels like. i had something like direction. maybe it was just internal guidance, but there was something... and i felt like i had time. now i feel as though my time is running out.
i wish i had known then what i know now, ya know? too late for that though, and i have to live out my life within the confines of the results of decisions i made earlier in life. concrete things like retirement plans, financial planning, parenting decisions... career decisions... acquiring my own home.... something to leave the kids when I'm gone.. and the every day bits of knowledge one should know how to do when they grow up.
i have depression. i usually do alright with it as i take
Fuckitol Zoloft daily. but since i have been home due to my injury, everything feels like it is piling up on me. i am so emotional, i cry for no reason. my arm still seems to hurt more than it should at this stage of recovery. i am worried and uncertain what my career future holds. financial woes and worries, some of which have resulted from my poor money management, others due to circumstances not in my control.
i have an overwhelming list of things i need to do, should be doing, would LIKE to do, and can't seem to motivate myself to even get started. my sister Denise, and Diane, have been doing everything in their power to help me [aside from money] and i watch as if i am on the outside, looking in. it's MY life yet i don't feel like i am in it. WTF,
i scream is THAT all about? i need a drink.
you prolly all think i am a weirdo now,
well, i am but truly, this is what i am going through. i told Diane tonight that i feel like i am losing my mind. and if i am, I'm scared no one will find and return it.
have any of you ever felt this way at some point of your lives, and if so, WTF helped you get through it?
AM i going crazy?
AM i in midlife crisis? my inquiring mind wants to know.
where is my sense of direction and how do i get there... can anyone throw me a