as i sit here in the early morning hours of the night because i cant sleep, i contemplate everything that is going on in my life at the moment. i am grieving losses that i never thought would happen to me. losses so painful that death would be a relief, although i don't want to die yet. i am filled with anxiety every moment of my waking hours, and it prevents me from falling asleep.... all of the things i have done in my life that i gave my best shot, have turned around to be used against me. to be seen as failures. to have ended up being "not enough." not enough time. not enough love. not enough attention. not enough understanding. and now, not enough forgiveness. everything is painful. every part of me hurts. i fail to understand what i have done, or in this case not done. everything i have worked so hard to achieve in my life has not been enough. did i want too much? did i ask for more than i was entitled? a home. children. a partner. a career. grandchildren. security. all of my dreams and aspirations have been crushed. i am misunderstood by those i need to be understanding. right now, i feel hopeless. right now, i don't care if i live or die. i am here with broken pieces scattered over the failures of my life... when my best was not enough, when my attempts have been in vain... and all the good i thought i was doing and differences i thought i was making, have not been so. the trickery of life. the joke is again, on me. where it has earned a permanent home. as much as i have tried to live and over come the things that have happened to me in my life time, i have been unable to be free of my demons, and in the process have created more of them. i. have. failed. at. life. this is not a pity party. i do not want your pity. this is my truth at this moment of my life. nothing else runs through my veins but sadness. nothing beats through my heart but loss. i am raw, vulnerable, open for slaughter. kill me and put me out of misery. i cannot bear this death. i can not go on.
all those times i held you in your sadness and fear... all those times i prayed to change places with you and bear your pain, all the times i thought i was loving you for two.... just wasn't enough.... i'm so sorry. please forgive me.