"...wE mUst bE thE chAnGe wE wiSh tO sEE iN thE wOrld..." K.G.

7/10/2009

never enough

as i sit here in the early morning hours of the night because i cant sleep, i contemplate everything that is going on in my life at the moment. i am grieving losses that i never thought would happen to me. losses so painful that death would be a relief, although i don't want to die yet. i am filled with anxiety every moment of my waking hours, and it prevents me from falling asleep.... all of the things i have done in my life that i gave my best shot, have turned around to be used against me. to be seen as failures. to have ended up being "not enough." not enough time. not enough love. not enough attention. not enough understanding. and now, not enough forgiveness. everything is painful. every part of me hurts. i fail to understand what i have done, or in this case not done. everything i have worked so hard to achieve in my life has not been enough. did i want too much? did i ask for more than i was entitled? a home. children. a partner. a career. grandchildren. security. all of my dreams and aspirations have been crushed. i am misunderstood by those i need to be understanding. right now, i feel hopeless. right now, i don't care if i live or die. i am here with broken pieces scattered over the failures of my life... when my best was not enough, when my attempts have been in vain... and all the good i thought i was doing and differences i thought i was making, have not been so. the trickery of life. the joke is again, on me. where it has earned a permanent home. as much as i have tried to live and over come the things that have happened to me in my life time, i have been unable to be free of my demons, and in the process have created more of them. i. have. failed. at. life. this is not a pity party. i do not want your pity. this is my truth at this moment of my life. nothing else runs through my veins but sadness. nothing beats through my heart but loss. i am raw, vulnerable, open for slaughter. kill me and put me out of misery. i cannot bear this death. i can not go on.


all those times i held you in your sadness and fear... all those times i prayed to change places with you and bear your pain, all the times i thought i was loving you for two.... just wasn't enough.... i'm so sorry. please forgive me.


crp

12 comments:

FrankandMary said...

all of the things i have done in my life that i gave my best shot, have turned around to be used against me. to be seen as failures.

I DO NOT AGREE. Because only people who have no idea what success or compassion or love is would ever look for things to TURN INTO failures at your expense.

If they can't or won't love you or accept you right now, they have the problem.

greg said...

It will get better and the pain will ease - never forget that. Sending you big, big hugs.

kimber p said...

C...I'm at a loss for words, it's very easy to see that you're beyond any comfort of words, all I can say is your blog community is here for you and we love and support you...this pain WILL end, maybe not tomorrow,but it always comes to an end..please don't lose sight of that.

Busy Bee Suz said...

You can't let others tell you what you have done wrong or right. YOU know in your heart that you have done/tried the very best that you could. I am sorry you are in so much pain, but sometimes you have to let go of those who only cause you pain and live YOUR life the best that you can. Take care...go get some doggie kisses, that will make you feel better.
Suz

SkylersDad said...

Lots of hugs coming your way from afar!

ChiTown Girl said...

{{{{hugs}}}}

That's all I've got, but they're all yours, my friend. Sending you lots of love...

otin said...

You always allude to the fact that everything is always your fault, or your doing, did you ever think that maybe the people that are hurting you are the ones that have fucked up issues? Not everything can be solely your doing, unless you are a deity!

jo.irish.rose said...

tatoone, i am holding you in my arms at this time....crying with you and hurting with you. no one can know your pain. but i agree with all them up ^ there, they have the power to make this IF you let them. only you can take that power from them, toone, only you. they can not take what you have accomplished. they can not take the love you shared or are sharing, the humour the knowledge the you pass to so many. no one can have that. its yours alone. someone once said that you can only let the wind blow in your sail if it is up, then it has the power to move you along. keep your sails down when the enemy is around, and when God is good, lift those babies and soar on the ocean as far as you can.

ma petite toone, je suis seule pour toi, je t'aime ma petite... avec tout ce qui est en moi. mes maux de coeur pour toi, et j'pleure.....j'espere que mes larmes vous purifier et vous rafraichir, vous remplir d'espoir pour ce qui est encore a venir.
ne laissez pas les autres dicter votre vie a vous. vous en avez le controle, et non pas eux. je vous envoie tout mon amour et de caresses, tatoone, car c'est tout ce que j'ai.

je vous promets qu'elle sera bien, je promets.

ta petite seour jojo

Jason, as himself said...

My God, I'm just sitting here asking myself, "What happened?" I hope you're feeling better than when you posted this...and I'm sorry.

DysFUNctional Mom said...

I'm just so sorry you're going through all of this.
xoxo

La Roo said...

C,
You are a fighter...If not you simply would have given up a long time ago. You have endured and you are just tired. You are such a good soul and it's time to stop beating yourself up. You of all people know life does not go always as planned. You need to find a new happy place and other things will follow. It's not easy to pull out of such saddness and you do need to let yourself feel that because it's how we cleanse ourselves. But please dust yourself off, wipe away those tears and think of all the happiness you do bring to others, (like me). :)
Hugs to you lovely lady.
Laroo

Technodoll said...

WHAT is going ON - is this about your daughter?

If yes, what about your other children - is everything ok with them? And Diane?

Worried about you :(