my week long family reunion is nearly over. i am sad. tonight was Denise and Dennis's b-day and we had a huge cookout here at my place. it has been a long week but one which i wouldn't trade for anything. my brother's face when we said goodbye, is ingrained in my mind forever. it might be the last time i ever see him, with his health as it is.Denise's husband is throwing her a huge party sat. night with a disco theme. we have all gone shopping at goodwill to get some old retro costumes from the seventies. it should be alot of fun! it has been so enjoyable to have both Joanne and my brother here.
he leaves early sat. morning
he leaves early sat. morning
i will post pictures when i can. there are many.
i think back to when we were little..... i remember when they were born as i was old enough when they were... those innocent young baby faces, happy to just exist... then having my kids and experiencing time passing much too quickly for them, too. it really is just in the blink of an eye. before you know it, they have grown up, and are striving to be independent, as if they have been held captive all these years and they cant wait to gain their freedom.... to me it's like we are all born with a blank canvas that is pure, clean, & unscathed. who we become is based on what gets painted, what gets covered up, and what gets scraped off down the road. we are our own little works of art. some will be completed and some will remain unfinished, leaving spots undone and without color.... how we choose to fill in those spots, helps make us
who we become. i think its really that simple.
i think i am finally beginning to get a grasp on how precious life is, how quickly it passes, and how much power each one of us really has to make a difference. that old saying... " to the world you might just be a child, but to a child you might just be the world." it's all in the perspective. it's all surreal. why ARE we here, anyways... i wonder how many times we must do this, and what the goal is. are we to achieve the highest capability to love? do we reach some point of finish line because we have achieved it... and will there be a reward or prize? if so, what could it possibly be that would not be materialistic, and have meaning worthy of all of our troubles, trials, and tribulations? worthy of all we had, and lost, the people we loved and lost, i mean come on, there has to be some purpose, some fucking reason for all of this. and just when you think you may have it all figured out, its time to go.... to pass on to what ever comes next for us souls. i truly believe our souls will never die.... but i wonder if we begin again on some other plane, in some other world, and will we pass through that next one with the same souls we have come to love in this life.... it cant all be for naught. that wouldn't make sense at all. there would be no logical explanation for life, if it were just to end when we outgrow our bodies. if we are part of nature, nature has a plan, a rhyme and reason for every little occurrence. some say the answer is God, and heaven. well all i can associate God and us to, is me being a mom and having kids..... he supposedly loves us more than we can fathom. he supposedly loves us so much that he sacrificed his own son to prove it. ya know, i want to believe that so bad but it doesn't make sense to me. i am a mother, and i could never do to my kids what was done to the people in the bible. i could never say hey, take one of my sons and kill him so you will know how much i love you. i mean, being raised catholic, it was ingrained in me to believe that. and it is the basis for all christian beliefs. part of me believes it, but part of me questions it at the very same time. because it isn't logical to me to do those things. by comparing what i would or would not do to my children, i cant understand why God would purposefully hurt his child. ohmygod, i sound so much like a non believer. i don't want to come across as one. i want something/someone to believe in, more than anything else. i long and hunger for it..... i just don't know anymore..... i am so confused.
i have met people at the end of their lives who are totally OK with it being close to the end for them. they are content for how they lived, feel very satisfied and have had enough. they are ready to pass on. i have always wondered how they could reach that state of mind.
what's scary is, i think i am starting to understand it.
how did i get off on that tangent? holy crappola....
i think i need to shut my mind down for the night and just go to bed.