"...wE mUst bE thE chAnGe wE wiSh tO sEE iN thE wOrld..." K.G.


this is a true story. the names have NOT been changed to protect the innocent. when i was growing up in the projects in New Britain, CT... around the age of 5-9, i didn't have any friends. not one. i would wander around the projects aimlessly, and had no where to go. i saw some pussy willows the other day, and it brought back some memories of those young years. i was SO lonely, that one time i found an empty matchbox, and put 4 pussy willows in it, covered it with a lil piece of tissue as if it were their bed, and named them. i pretended they were my kitties, my friends. i took them everywhere with me. I'd slide the drawer open and pet them. they were SO soft. I'll tell you true, if it wasn't for my little "kitties" i would have gone crazy. my mother saw me one time and told me i was stupid, and laughed at me. she tried to take them away but i put up such a fight that even with the beating i got, i wouldn't let her take them.
isn't that a fucking pitiful story?
the worse part is, it's really true.
every time i see pussy willows i always remember.....
we go waaaaay back, them and i.


Chloie said...

This is such a sad story. I came from a poor family too(although we had pets because they're everywhere in my country for free), but I never regretted anything, because I became stronger after all my experiences. And now, we can finally say, look how far we've come. Right?

Clippy Mat said...

ah sad :-((
and yet, lovely.

i hope you have planted them in your garden now?

Busy Bee Suz said...

Seems your Mom was a very unhappy person and that is very sad. SHe did not see the gift that is YOU. The only good thing about your bad childhood is...you have done better for YOUR children. They benefit from the crap you already went through.

Busy Bee Suz said...

Oh and I was quite the wanderer too as a kid....it is a wonder I was not kidnapped. But I had a pet lizard for a few months...I found him in the yard, just a regular green guy. I loved him...I carried him everywhere and even tried to take him to school. I remember he finally died and I burried him in the yard...the next day, he was dug up. I was convinced that he came back to life...it took a few years to realize the darn cats dug him up. ;)
I still remember HIM when I see all the green lizards in my yard.

You should plant some pussy willows in your yard. REALLYYY!!!

ChiTown Girl said...

Aw, sugar, these stories break my heart. But, without these experiences, you wouldn't be the woman you are now. And, like Suz said, your children are benefiting from your wisdom and experience. I'm sorry that your mom was so miserable, and that you bore the brunt of that misery. I just wish she had been able to get the help she needed back then (therapy? meds?) to be the kind of mom you needed. Be proud of the kind of mom YOU are, your kids are lucky. {{{hugs}}}

Marissa said...

I wanted to cry when I read this. (sigh). But it's so good to be living on your own terms now, right? I'd like to dedicate this song to you. It's by a Canadian band called Skylark (from the 70s) - "Wildflower"


Technodoll said...

I don't understand how a child can have not one friend, specially someone as wonderful as you... must have been hell :-(

Hopefully you have made up for that now, surrounded yourself with loved ones and reams of pussywillows - they are lovely, aren't they?

(( hugs ))

C said...

thanks everyone, thanks for the song, marissa.. yes i like that song. its weird what you end up remembering, isnt it? i love pussywillows. they are so beautiful. i dont dwell on the past, i just on occaision write out my thoughts.

kimber p said...

I shouldn't have read this while I'm trying to get ready for work...*sniff* wish I could give you a big hug.... :)