yes, i know my last blog entry was depressing. but i cant apologise as that is how i was feeling when i wrote it. usually my life is good, and I'm OK. but every now and then, i have flashbacks to earlier times in my life when i lived through what some might say....HELL.... and i can usually snap myself out of it, and recenter myself to the present. i am 53 years old and my past STILL haunts me, on occasion. i don't know if there will ever come a time when it doesn't. i actually don't believe we ever "get over" those things. they scar us for life. we find some level on which to accept them, make peace with the damage and pain they caused, and our healing comes when we let god's grace fill the void. we all have bad days on occasion.... i have dealt with the bad stuff in therapy for many years, starting when i was 34. maybe if i had started earlier in my life to realize something was amuck with me... i would be in a stronger frame of mind. but i didn't. it took what it took. which was my mother's death, and the beginning of the end of my marriage, for me to begin my recovery and healing process. in the midst of all that, i had 2 biological children (the first 2 are lovingly adopted), lived through a painful divorce, raised my 4 little ones on my own, learned to be self sufficient, put myself through college and achieved my bachelors in nursing, and made the discovery that i can only get what i need emotionally from another woman. then when the timing was right, i met Diane. i have learned to be gentle with myself, although i don't always follow my own advise.... and i have to live with the fact that my body reacts to old feelings, which throw me for a loop temporarily... i don't know how it couldn't, after everything i have lived through. what really helps me the most is to acknowledge it, FEEL it, and move on anyway- however slowly or quickly that may be at the time. some times are harder than others. no one can change the past, certainly not i, but i don't know if i would even if i could. i think the adversity i have been through.... the pain of learning things the hard way... the losses and rewards.... walking through darkness into the light- are what helped shape me into who i am today. then i wonder, am i who am despite those things, rather than because of them.... or is it the other way around? well that's the million dollar question, isn't it. does anyone really know the answer to that? does it matter in the long run...? tonight i am in a good place emotionally, despite some family palaver (it's always something), and i feel very very blessed to have all of the love i have, in my life. i am also very blessed that i am with Diane. she understands me, even when i don't understand myself. she helps me sort out my demons and see my strengths. she is my best friend, the rest of me, and i love her.
"there's always a rainbow, after the rain-
there's always comfort, after our pain-
there's always an answer, to our prayer-
and always someone, who will care."