we just returned from my youngest sons band concert. [he is a junior, and he plays the bassoon.] as i was listening to the music, i looked around at the teens in the audience and those waiting for their turn to play.... i could see Christopher's hands around his instrument, playing his little heart out in tune with every one else. his hands are a beautiful combination of his dad's and mine. it was like looking at a part of myself..... i had so many thoughts running through my head, i felt dizzy. i had a terrible time in high school. i had to do bad things to fit in with this group of girls that turned out NOT to really be my friends. so i was wondering how many kids i see here, are doing the same, or are feeling awkward, inadequate, and not good enough inside, like i had. i was thinking, if they only knew their self worth, and that all this nonsense of not being enough, is bullshit. because no one is better than another. we are all in this world together. [yet to this day, i still sometimes feel like i am not part of this world, just an onlooker, and i see people doing and having great things, and i find myself hoping one day to achieve that, or have that.... and i tell myself "someday, when I'm enough". i am 53 fucking years old and i STILL feel that way inside, at times.] no one told me those things when i needed to hear them. maybe i would of had less problems, less pain, less loneliness, had i known. being a teenager is so difficult anyway. we are torn between two worlds, feeling like a kid yet having feelings of an adult. if we aren't ready to grow up at the same time as our peers, we are called babies. if we are ready to do so before the others, we are taken advantage of by adults who forget we may look older and have hair on our faces etc, but we are still a kid inside. then, we feel obligated, feel a responsibility to not disappoint and so we fake it, we fake understanding things we really don't, we fake being ready for things we are not, and we fake liking things we don't, just to fit in, just to gain acceptance and feel like we belong. the truth is, we should be feeling like we belong, in our family at home. i never did. it should be our place of refuge. mine was filled with abuse and anger. we should be praised, encouraged, and treated with respect. my mother told me she wish i would have never been born... i was fucked up because of all of it.
so, while all this shit is going on in my mind as i was listening to the music, i started to get tears. because for a few seconds there, it felt like i was back in high school, with all my inadequacies. i looked around and just wanted to hug each one of the kids and tell them how special they are. and i pray they have a family who does just that.



I'm such a fucking emotional wimp pussy. i tell ya.....


CRP