"...wE mUst bE thE chAnGe wE wiSh tO sEE iN thE wOrld..." K.G.

2/10/2009

we just returned from my youngest sons band concert. [he is a junior, and he plays the bassoon.] as i was listening to the music, i looked around at the teens in the audience and those waiting for their turn to play.... i could see Christopher's hands around his instrument, playing his little heart out in tune with every one else. his hands are a beautiful combination of his dad's and mine. it was like looking at a part of myself..... i had so many thoughts running through my head, i felt dizzy. i had a terrible time in high school. i had to do bad things to fit in with this group of girls that turned out NOT to really be my friends. so i was wondering how many kids i see here, are doing the same, or are feeling awkward, inadequate, and not good enough inside, like i had. i was thinking, if they only knew their self worth, and that all this nonsense of not being enough, is bullshit. because no one is better than another. we are all in this world together. [yet to this day, i still sometimes feel like i am not part of this world, just an onlooker, and i see people doing and having great things, and i find myself hoping one day to achieve that, or have that.... and i tell myself "someday, when I'm enough". i am 53 fucking years old and i STILL feel that way inside, at times.] no one told me those things when i needed to hear them. maybe i would of had less problems, less pain, less loneliness, had i known. being a teenager is so difficult anyway. we are torn between two worlds, feeling like a kid yet having feelings of an adult. if we aren't ready to grow up at the same time as our peers, we are called babies. if we are ready to do so before the others, we are taken advantage of by adults who forget we may look older and have hair on our faces etc, but we are still a kid inside. then, we feel obligated, feel a responsibility to not disappoint and so we fake it, we fake understanding things we really don't, we fake being ready for things we are not, and we fake liking things we don't, just to fit in, just to gain acceptance and feel like we belong. the truth is, we should be feeling like we belong, in our family at home. i never did. it should be our place of refuge. mine was filled with abuse and anger. we should be praised, encouraged, and treated with respect. my mother told me she wish i would have never been born... i was fucked up because of all of it.
so, while all this shit is going on in my mind as i was listening to the music, i started to get tears. because for a few seconds there, it felt like i was back in high school, with all my inadequacies. i looked around and just wanted to hug each one of the kids and tell them how special they are. and i pray they have a family who does just that.



I'm such a fucking emotional wimp pussy. i tell ya.....


CRP

6 comments:

jo.irish.rose said...

oh dear sister o mine....you said it best in one of your bloggie answers to me, we definitely have differing opinions of our mother....i don't believe she would of EVER wished one of us, ANY of us ever not been born, ever, no matter what frame of mind she was in. she told me many times how she mourned the loss of the baby she lost. how would she ever, how could she ever say that? i don't believe that she said that, i think some things you may have thought she said. it was not in her character. NEVER! she did do lots of other things, but never that.

Busy Bee Suz said...

ohhh. we all felt this way....everyone. I am sure my kids have moments of this too, but I try so hard to clue them into the really important things in life....
you are very emotional...but that is ok. You are FEELING.

kimber p said...

I absolutely love this post girl...it hits so close to home... :)

J. Hi said...

Wow, I was just talking about this the other day with my husband. I love my life but still struggle with those old feelings that I am not good enough for other people. I feel like I always come in second and am never first choice. I wonder if it's them or me. Wish I could just let it go and be happy.

ChiTown Girl said...

Well, that's make two of us then, cuz I'm sitting here crying after reading this! What a horrible thing to have heard from your own MOTHER! I can't imagine what that must have made you feel like. I'm so sorry you had to live through such an experience. But, every one of those experiences in your life, good or bad, has shaped you into the woman you are today, the one we all love, so you must embrace them.

FYI, I was a big "band geek" all through grade school and high school (flute, piccolo and clarinet). I used to be so upset by the fact that my son had absolutely no interest in playing an instrument. Actually, it sometimes still upsets me, but I've tried to just let it go. I just know that years from now, he's going to ask me why I didn't force him into it!!

C said...

sorry jo, she did. like i said, you were too young. she also threatened to put us all in an orphanage so she could have a better life, when things got bad. do you remember that? i dont say these things to hurt you or anyone. they happened, and i say it for my healing.

me