my daughter Emily and i went for coffee last night to talk, as we have been having some problems with our relationship. without getting into all the muck and the mud of details, let me say that all the years i was raising my 4 kids alone, i centered everything i did around their needs, always trying to put them first so i could be there for them. in my mind, i always thought i was aware of everything that happened, clear on the outcomes, sure of what hurt and didn't hurt my kiddo's, and that i was in control of it all. i was in therapy dealing with issues from my own abusive and dysfunctional childhood, carefully treading the waters as i tried to face each thing that came to surface, for 2 reasons. 1.) to heal my own pain, and more importantly to me 2.) to raise my kids with a healthy perspective, so they wouldn't go through the issues of shame and hopelessness that i did. i wanted so much more for them. i wanted it to be good, i wanted them to know without a doubt how much i loved and wanted them, and that i would protect them from harm.
recently, my daughter has brought to my attention some very deep wounds she carries in her heart, that i was unaware of until she enlightened me. some things i can claim and explain my reasons and why it appeared to be the way it was, to her. other issues have to do with other family members which i cannot fix, even if i wanted to. sadly, she will have to deal with those issues, with the people involved. but for now, i am getting the brunt of it all. however, i had this fear creep over me as we talked and i could swear she was trying to allude to if we cant fix our relationship then i will not be part of her son Julian's life. i asked her if this is what she meant. she neither confirmed nor denied it, but i have been uneasy and scared since. the thought of losing her because she cant accept the way things occurred in the past, frightens me. the thought of not seeing Julian, breaks my heart. we will make an effort to talk again, but my beautiful daughter is very stubborn, hurt, and desperately striving to attain resolution and justification for the way our lives unfolded. i was never able to achieve that with my parents, as they never ever took accountability for their actions. they are both deceased now, and i will never be able to finish out old business. however, with Emily, i am here. i WANT to help her deal with her disappointments and pain. the thing is, right now at least, she is wanting to resolve it all right now. she is impatient, she is closed to seeing things any other way but hers, and i truly don't know if i have lost her or not.
i tried to explain to her that sometimes we have to just let go, and start over from this point on. there isn't always a way to fix it or change it, all i can do is validate her feelings, take responsibility for what's mine, say i am sorry, ask for forgiveness and allow the healing to begin.... with the hope that in time she can get to a place where bitterness and hurt have been replaced with the warmth that she has been loved and cherished......despite some trials and tribulations....
opening her heart for good memories made now to replace what once existed in darkness.
i love her. i love her SO MUCH. she is my only daughter. she is my miracle, my gift from god, the mother of my grandson, the only princess in my life, and i want her to have a happy, loving life.
she deserves it.
all our children deserve it.
frikkin' family dynamics........... who'd have 'em, eh?