5/15/07
The ache is back.
It is partly cloudy outside, with the sun moving in and out of the clouds, causing a flickering of light. When viewed with my peripheral vision, it takes me back to very painful, lonely, times in my childhood spent at home, not connected to my family… and with my molester, enduring the raping of my body and soul he was performing.
The lonely, empty days and nights that haunt me were of me missing my non present father, crying for him, longing for his attention and company… to notice me, to love and want me, to be the object of his affection and attention, that would mirror back to me that yes I was worthwhile and significant….and loveable. I have a few good memories with him, he made me laugh, we had fun, and when I was with him, I didn’t feel lonely, I felt complete… ah yes, complete, if only temporarily. Because as soon as I felt a flicker of security or safety, he would be gone, as was my heart, taking all of that with him. All of my feelings were tied up in him. It’s almost like without him, I wasn’t real, all I felt was an empty hole inside, a hole I have been trying to fill all of my life, with many different things. And today, the pain is back. And I ache with deep emotional pain, so deep that I can feel it physically. My mother was of no comfort to me. If anything, she blamed me for his absence, saying it was my fault he left, because I was a bad kid….. And I would be punished for that… she had to have someone to take it out on. Being the oldest, it was on me. Punishments and rewards using food, emotional withdrawal, physical, verbal, and sexual abuse…all of it, on me. She was sick mentally, I believe, and that sickness has resulted in permeating everything in me that should have been normal, pure, and precious. She ruined it all. They ruined it all. The few times I would see my father throughout my lifetime, and it wasn’t many, he would take me out to eat, or shopping, and I would be delighted to have his attention and love… I had my daddy… every little girl needs and wants that… but as soon as we got out of my mothers sight, his attention and eyes would wander to whatever pretty girl there happened to be, and he would proceed to flirt with them, try to pick them up for sex, and ignore me. I was screaming inside -“hey daddy, look at me, I love you , look at me, pay attention to me, be interested in what I was saying, rather than her” no matter what age i was....that wounded little girl inside me, was always waiting..... I craved his attention and affection. He gave it to other women. I was just a sidekick tagging along, possibly to alleviate any guilt he had that he was so absent from his duties as a father? Or as a prop to attract women- …….. "oh, your little girl is so pretty"…… yeah dad, I was, and you never noticed. You never cared. I meant nothing to you. Because of you, I have never once felt deserving of love. I have never felt loveable to anyone, because it all starts with you… and you abandoned me, you rejected me, you left me for any pretty face there was… I was never enough to keep your attention, your affection, or love. I was never enough to keep you home to be the father you were supposed to be. And I’m 50 fucking one years old, and I’m still crying over it, I’m still damaged goods, I’m still looking for you in every person that shows me an interest, even if only slightly. What the fuck. Between you and mom, you both have ruined my pureness. Did you know I will have sex to have those few moments of attention and affection and love? Even when its not sex I want, it’s the way I saw those women get the love from you, and I’ve learned that for a few minutes, I can have someone’s undivided attention if I give them sex… but the fact is, after when its done the jokes on me because the pain of your absence is still there, and I still have the emptiness that should have been filled by you… and I have had to pay a price for the attempt at getting what I should have received from you, without strings, without giving my body, you bastard…. You dirty fucking bastard…. What have you done to me…huh, dad? And what am I supposed to do now? When will my searching for you, end? Or will it ever end? You have brought me into this world, stripped me of everything you should have implanted in me and shown me, and left me empty to fend on my own, to survive, to fear for my life, and to struggle to stay in this world, always looking, always searching for that which you did not give me. I hate you for that. I hate you for leaving me and treating me like a piece of nothing. I was your little girl, I was innocent, and pure, and worthwhile, I could have brought you such happiness and in return you would have approved of me, and who I was… validating my soul, my reason for being here… between you and mom, you took everything I had and tainted it… used it up,,, made it dirty, and left me feeling empty, worthless, and less than human. That is who I am today… no matter how much I have tried to fill that emptiness inside, no amount of caretaking, no amount of education, no amount of anything good can take away my ache… essentially nothing in this world can ease my pain, my permanent longing for that which you should have given me…. I have looked everywhere for it. I don’t really even know what it is, but I still long for it, search for it, pray for it, fuck for it, love for it, care way too much to try to get it.. The truth is, it’s gone. Its gone forever and I will never be able to find it or get it, in this lifetime. Ever… you blew it, you threw it away, due to carelessness and ignorance. You were never there when I needed you, cried for you, ached for you, wanted your advice or company, you weren’t there when I got married, had children, or achieved any accomplishments of my life. You never fulfilled any of my dreams or hopes, or calmed any of my fears or insecurities…. You left me to fucking fend for myself….. And I haven’t done a very good job of it at all…. You are a bastard.
can you see what’s left of your daughter now? a woman STILL trying to fill the hole you left in my soul. so where ever you may be right now, what ever level of conscience you may still exist in, you will never be at peace until you make things right for me. and that goes for you mom, the both of you. I didn’t asked to be born, let alone left to exist in this kind of pain. I have exhausted myself trying to forgive and forget. its never over for me, the battle is always there, lurking beneath the surface and just waiting to have power over me once more. and every time it succeeds, a part of my soul withers up and dies from the pain. something gets taken away from what i could have become.

(written before therapy)

CRP