"...wE mUst bE thE chAnGe wE wiSh tO sEE iN thE wOrld..." K.G.


...this is the visualization i used in my years of therapy, to help myself heal from being molested as a child. the funny thing is, after 9 years of trying, i still cannot say i feel safe, because when i visualize this scene, i'm still afraid jesus will get sexual with me. there's always that fear.....i'm always hypervigilant and waiting, just waiting, for even jesus to try something or say something....and it hurts so much that i cant stand it. does anyone who's been molested, EVER truly get over it, get over the pain and the fear of it? do you even know HOW much rage i have inside that i cant find my innocence even in the safety of the lords arms? will i ever feel totally safe again in this lifetime? i have no hope of it. my mind will take me to a beautiful forrest, with a bench surrounded by trees, birds singing, soft wind blowing, a warm sunshine day, and i'm little again, about 4 or 5...and i'm walking in the woods and see jesus...i go over to him and he pulls me on his lap. in my head i KNOW he is supposed to be safe. but i find myself waiting for him to try something and i'm so scared, and i cant feel the safety. i try and try and try so hard...but that feeling of "he's gonna do it now" takes over and i run away before he can. i have no safe place to go. not in the whole wide world. and so i keep a wall of fat around me, to hide in, so no one can hurt me like that again. i feel so little inside this big fat body...and theres no way out.
i want to be able to FEEL what it's like to feel safe. i want to be able to feel what its like to relax and not be afraid. but i cant. not today.

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