today (11-11-06) just ended julians first birthday. he is so adorable and seemed to really enjoy himself. it was such fun having him here, he is a total joy to all of us. i was able to buy him his first pair of shoes. he's walking all over the place.
watched another program on the world trade center this evening after company left...once again rehashing the horrible event....making me cringe with pain for all the victims and thier families. yet when it comes on, i have to watch.... maybe its my feeble attempt to try yet one more time to understand the horror and comprehend the reality of that day. i, as every other person in this world except the terrorists, will NEVER understand why. why in the name of thier god, allah, would they even fucking assume for one minute that he or ANY god would want anyone to hurt another, let alone innocent people. its beyond me. and i worry about what i have done, bringing 4 kids into this world when it is so filled with hate, destruction, predjudice, poverty, crime, violence, and death. had i known years ago how the reality was going to be for my childrens future, i dont know if i'd make the same choices to have kids. dont get me wrong, i couldnt live not even for one minute, without them, they are my whole life, but i guess i'm being very selfish because the pain of leaving them in the state our world is in, scares the shit out of me. i dont want to leave them behind. i dont want them to have to fear, or want, or need, just to survive. maybe im wrong and things will turn around for the better, but what if they dont? what have i done? i would be more than content to just be with my children and diane and everyone i love, 4 ever and always, someplace safe and in the light. any other thoughts or options are unacceptable. have parents felt this way always? or am i just being neurotic? (dont answer that). supposedly, the end is near, everyone says....and its easy to believe that with the way things are, but even when i was little, i can remember people saying the world was gonna end on march 16th... every year it would be a different date but it never did end...all it did was scare me more than i needed to be, as i had no security what so ever at home... and to think the world was gonna end just blew any fragmented and minute (if any) feelings of safety there were in my world. it is SO true that what doesnt kill you, makes you stronger....cuz baby, there are worse things than diein'...
CRP
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