It's my birthday....

It's my birthday and i have mixed feelings about it. I'm remembering birthdays of past, from when i was little, to some i celebrated as an adult. and i can't remember more than a few that were really, truly, happy ones that felt like the celebration it was supposed to be. So, like this picture, this is how i feel inside, sitting on the edge of my life looking out, feeling lonely and dissapointed again, with gloomyness all around me, letting my own balloons fly into the wind. it's another reminder of how alone we really are, even if there are people around us. and i feel guilty for feeling this way. my family came together tonite to have dinner with me, (which i didn't enjoy at all, the food was crappy even though i made it) but why wasn't that enough? why couldn't i feel the warmth? diane gave me perfume which i've been wanting, and it's lovely. and i loved on jujubee as much as he would let me, got to rock him asleep and snuggle him, i love him SO much and he is SO cute! denise, my sister, and emily, my daughter were at odds. they are so much alike they don't really get along. S-T-R-E-S-S there..... and emily had good intentions i'm sure, but made my birthday cake here during dinner, in front of me, using my ingredients. theres just something wrong with that. denise gave me a junky ornament that is ugly, which i don't know what to do with, and a pair of earrings she knew i couldn't wear cuz they are posts. emily literally threw me a tube of lotion, and i just felt like everything was done and given just to say they did. (aside from the perfume and lunch with nicholas today). well, here come the tears, i guess they've been lurking all evening..... i know i'm just feeling sorry for myself.... and i should be thankful to have what i have, but right now, thats not how i feel. for my birthday in 1998, i was still with lois, and she had arranged for the kids to stay at denises, booked a hotel which was decorated like a castle, and after we checked in, she gave me a present.... then she took me out to a nice restaurant, went to the mall shopping, bought me some new sneakers, took me for a drive and played special music for me, took me downtown to a gay bar for drinks and dancing, went back to the motel room and gave me a pair of earrings she'd had made just for me.... then took me to the casino and gave me money to play. and the whole night was wonderful, romantic, and all for me. through out the night she'd stroke my hair, massage me, pamper me.... i didn't have to plan any of it, or do anything, she'd taken charge and done it all. as the night unfolded, she had one surprise after another, and it was probly one of the best birthday celebrations i can remember. not because of gifts i got, but because she made me feel special, and loved. thats all i wanted this year, or any year for that matter, i just want to feel like this is my day, and i'm loved and special, just for the moment.... and it hurts that i feel dissapointed and i feel ungrateful and guilty for feeling the both. maybe im just a selfish bitch, wanting something i'm not deserving of or ever gonna have. it's late, and it's well into my birthday, the day i was born, and right now i don't feel like i matter. today i will sleep my day away because i have to work tonite and tomorrow night.... so i had my party, and my cake, and now i'm letting my balloons fly high into the night sky....with my birthday wishes wrapped inside, held together by tears. the only comfort i'm feeling is that i just ate another piece of cake, and some pistachios...if it can't fill my heart at least it fills my stomach. happy birthday to me.

CRP