"...wE mUst bE thE chAnGe wE wiSh tO sEE iN thE wOrld..." K.G.


Here it is Tuesday morning, but you knew that didn't ya.... I have 2 Dr. appointments today and hopefully I will hear something from all the applications I have sent in for various things. I spoke to a gal in HR yesterday to find out the one that would interview me for one of the 3 jobs I applied for, won't be back in town until next Wednesday, the 25th. I explained my time sensitive situation which is my last day with the hospital will be the 27th, if I don't take a position. I'm concerned my time will run out before I am offered another position. She said that wouldn't be a problem, but I'm not so confident. Fool me once, good on you.... fool me twice, bad on me.... but try to fool me three times and, well, erm, you just might succeed there too.

My sister who lives here is leaving on vaycay tomorrow to spend some time with Jo, our youngest sister in North Carolina, I wish I was going too. We haven't been speaking because frankly I went off on her over some things. Maybe I jumped the gun, maybe I am too demanding, or maybe I am just so scared right now that I have lost my mind. She sent me an email which I got last night telling me I hurt her but she didn't want to leave with us not speaking. She took no responsibility for any of the things I said to her, right or wrong, and still insists she is unable to help me financially. Consequently, I am letting go of all the palaver and have come to the conclusion we will never get along, that is the way it is. It's sad, as when she is in a good mood, we have had a lot of fun together. Unfortunately, it doesn't happen often. Then our brother, her twin, called me last night and basically just cried on the phone with me. He went through a triple bypass 4-5 years ago and was very encouraging. He didn't have the setbacks or difficulties I did, and he never got as deconditioned as I am right now. I wish all my siblings lived within close proximity of each other and that we could all get along. We couldn't get along as young kids because our mother promoted jealousies, fighting, and such between us. Some of those issues are so deeply ingrained they are the cause for nearly all of our battles today. Isn't that sad, though? Parts of us that never healed or "grew up" can carry so much power still.

The weather around these parts has been hot and steamy for the past week, climbing over 100 degrees on several occasions. And you know how the weather people always say, it's 100 out there, but it "feels" like 110? There're all liars because it feels more like 210! Eyyyyy mo. And, I MISS ME POOL! Don't know if I shared this with you or not, but if all of my efforts to get back on my feet again, fail... Jo and her husband want me to come live permanently with them on the east coast. The only thing that holds me back is I would need to be accepted for disability so I would have a little income of my own, and I don't really want to leave my kids and grandson. Family is so important to me, but there may come a time when I have to do what I have to do, regardless. I would like to live my last years in peace, with out struggling every. single. bit. of the way. My health situation right now is really impairing my abilities to do more to help myself, and I don't know how much health I will regain when it's all said and done. I may not be able to tolerate working, I don't know. All I DO know is I am putting in a 200% effort to attain that goal. I have been home for a little over 3 weeks and the cardiac rehab nurse tells me I WILL get stronger and improve... I still feel weak, still get out of breath with exertion, yet all of my labs and tests are within normal ranges. So I will give her the benefit of the doubt and hope she is right. I am still young, I don't want to give in to disability yet, I'd love to go back to work and make enough money to travel, and do things for my kids, but in the back of my mind my dreams are slowly fading into the unknown. And I don't like who I am becoming because of my situation. There are times when I feel bitter and resentful for the crap I have been through and the way my life is turning out and I want to just scream enough is enough! I didn't know better, years ago, to assure myself of security for the second half of my life. It was just something so foreign to me, and it would be so easy to say "no one taught me the ways" but I COULD have researched such things and didn't. Bad on me. We grew up poor and on welfare, ma never worked or educated herself... and I didn't even realize the impact of that until I put myself through college after the divorce. I lived with things the way they were for so long, I became immune to their impact or lack of impact in my life. IRS's? CD's? Investments? I didn't know or understand what those were for most of my life. I've never even been good at saving money and I think for me its due to never having had enough, so when it's available, I am like a starving child and cant think straight enough to not gobble down the whole meal in one sitting rather than proportion it out to last longer. Yep, that's exactly how I am. Its hard to teach an old dog, new tricks... and that's me. So many times in my life I have had to "start over" and I have to wonder if there ever comes a point when everything is good, enough, and satisfying. Does there ever come a time when struggles decrease to a manageable level, or is it going to be difficult for me until it's over? Is there a vitamin one can take for that? I don't have answers to my own questions and don't expect anyone else to, either. I may sound so pessimistic these last few years, but that's not the me I used to be. there was a time when David lost his job, and we lived in our car with all of our belongings for over a week whilst we looked for work. And I turned to him one day, as we were both in despair, and said "cheer up, at least we each have nice t-shirts so we didn't look like homeless bums even if we sort of were. We broke out laughing hysterically until we cried, and he said he could always count on my optimism to get us through. I'm also the girl that swore if I was ever caught in the bath tub and there was fire or bad weather, I'd run out to safety nekked if I had to with out a care in the world. BUT that wash cloth would be covering up my face so no one would see who that nekked, fat girl, was. Humor is what got me through so many times, that's the real me, where did she go? When a lot of bad things things happen to people, its easy to spiral into the negative side and not be able to pull yourself out. I think that after a lifetime of fighting to stay optimistic, for myself and for the sake of everyone else, I became worn out and here I am stuck in a pessimistic state of mind. I have to ask myself if the reason I cant seem to kick my own ass out of it, is because its too familiar to me? Would I be uncomfortable if things went well for me, for a change? For the longest time I didn't even believe I deserved good things and now over the years I have come to believe I do, but where is it? Am I my own sabba-tore dirty whore? Well, I'll have to think about that.

I think I have run out of thoughts to write about, tonight... time for bed.



Anonymous said...

I can't imagine anyone would blame you for feeling negative. You've been through so much. But, it really will get better...it just has to. xoxo

Maria said...

I am glad that you have the cushion of your sister, Jo. And you know...maybe having a soft place to land for a while may be just what you need to heal. Maybe you could take her up on her offer and just give yourself a few months to heal. Afterwards, you could always come back to the godforsaken prairie if you need to live close to your children.

But, I suspect that Jo is good at pampering and that may be just what you need for a month or two or three.

You know...Emily Dickinson lived with her brother and his wife and helped out by doing lots of baking, etc. Didn't you mention that you are a good cook? Maybe you could barter room for cooking? It sounds like a win win to me. They get you and you get them. And perhaps you need each other?

Clippy Mat said...

Hang in, and hang on.
You are a very strong woman and look how far you've come!

Busy Bee Suz said...

Ditto again to these sweet ladies above me. {who though I would ever be under a lady?} Did that make you laugh? I hope so.
Oh my friend....I want only the best for you and I want the best to come easily. i wish I could so something to help you out. It seems that if I could do anything, it would be minute to your greater need.
Oh, if your place caught on fire and you were neckid in the tub, wouldn't you be better off just staying in the tub?