...It's been awhile since I last posted. I have had another little setback in my recovery. Due to my mechanical aortic valve, I have to be on a blood thinner called Coumadin, for the rest of my life. I hate that I have to be on it because it has been difficult to control my clotting levels. Last week I had to go to the ER three times in a row due to hemorrhaging from my nose. I couldn't get it to stop, it would just occur spontaneously. The third night I went to the ER, they admitted me and I had to get 2 units of blood, as my HGB dropped to 7 during those 3 days of bleeding. I was very short of breath, weak, and fatigued. And then I lost it emotionally for a good hour I would say. Crying just made it worse but I couldn't help it. I have had enough, I have had one complication after another since the heart surgery and I am fed up, at the end of my rope, and just want to be well. So back I was in the hospital, an ENT specialist came in and tried cauterizing the "bleeder" in my nose. That didn't work so he ended up packing one nostril with what I can only describe as a nail file sized emery board, that was hard but then like a tampon absorbed the blood and swelled up. It hurt SO much when he put that in. I had to leave that shit in for 4 days, it was not fun. It's out now and so far no bleeding. The Dr. said if it starts again he will have to do surgery and see WTF is going on in my sinuses.

On top of that, I had to miss my 3 sessions of cardiac rehab last week because of the bleeding problem, so tomorrow I go and attempt it again.

I don't know if I told you that I had an interview last Wednesday for a position at the poison control center here in Omaha. I think the manager liked me, she said I asked some really good questions, but I failed the math test. I have never been good at conversions, ratios, and percentages. BUT she asked me if I could be there Tuesday to spend a few hours observing someone handle the phones to see what I thought of it. So I am keeping my fingers crossed that if I am meant to go there next, then it will fall into place for me. And just before that, I am to meet with my present manager at the call center for my annual performance review. He has a letter of recommendation to give me for future applications. So far, I haven't found any other positions to apply for that I am able to do... but I will keep looking.

My kids are so busy with their lives it seems, that I just don't get to see them often. It makes it lonely on me, but that's the way it is. I have been crocheting a throw for my couch, I am about half done. It gives me something to do, specially on a bad day when I don't get around too much. I cant go anywhere without my cane, but that's a good thing because I don't need the walker any longer. As George Jefferson would say, "I'm movin' on up..."

My rent $600.00 is due this week, and I have no idea where money will come from. I haven't had any income since May, nothing, nada, zzzzzip. I have applied for social services and social security. I was turned down by unemployment because I am still not released to work. That disqualified me. There are people who milk the system and are able to work, they just don't want to, yet they get all the benefits. I really need help right now and don't qualify. I don't get it. I have asked everyone in my family for some help, apart from my kids, who have made sure I have food, & electricity, and a phone... no one can help me. All I need to do is make it through August and I'm sure I'll either get a job or get set up with aid. I'd really like to complain that my life sucks right now, well, this whole year has been the worst of my life... but I am taking one day at a time and keeping faith that God has a plan for me. There are days when it's really hard to hang onto that, but I do my best to "act as if."

When it all boils down to the bottom line, and everything has been taken away... I am alone. We are ALL alone. Lovers and friends come and go, kids grow up and don't need me any more and I am left to look at my life, what I have accomplished, and the reality slaps me in the face that it IS just me, now. And I have to decide that I am enough, that I  can be happy alone, and that life is worth living just for my own enjoyment. I nearly died when I had my heart surgery. I am thankful to still be here, and for  what I have. It may not be much but it's mine. So what if I only have 4 dollars to my name, at least I am not totally broke!

C

(all images borrowed courtesy of Facebook & photo bucket)