"...wE mUst bE thE chAnGe wE wiSh tO sEE iN thE wOrld..." K.G.


mOre thOughts fOr tOday...



Tonight, well just now, actually~ I re-read all the messages I found that I'd had with Diane, and re-read all my posts since the break-up.

It hurts and I'm falling apart. I am questioning what the fuck I was thinking all those years when I thought it was good between us, and we were happy. Why couldn't I see a sign? How could she pretend she was happy.. It just doesn't make sense to me. And I need it to so I can move on..

Re-reading the messages we wrote to each other since she returned to her country and hearing the cold, blunt, and matter of fact-ness in her words reinforces that she is no longer the Diane I loved and knew... I don't know where she went, and I want her back. She is only now speaking the truth of how she really felt about everything and it's SO hurtful to hear.

She couldn't wait to get away, she just couldn't wait. It makes me feel like some kind of ugliness that she had to escape from.. I do believe the issue about her not being able to work here or have a future, IS true but that is the ONLY part of all this I do understand.

When I put myself in that position, I know I would have done anything to make it work for as long as I could because I love her, and it is devastating that she didn't want to. It's very hard for me to accept she didn't love me anymore. I still feel like WTF happened... I'm still in shock that all this really happened..

When she first came here, there was a Federal packet we could have purchased to help her become legal. However, it was expensive and we would have to hire a lawyer~ it was complicated and it had many steps to take in a certain order.

And I had to prove I hired her to be a nanny to my 4 kids in order to show that I needed her to "work" for me. It was the only way, and once she became legal she could have all the benefits a spouse deserves, even if we weren't married.

We saved up for it, but there was always a glitch, one more proof of something we had to get. Eventually, it became impossible and we gave up on it because it felt like there was always going to be one more barrier to cross.

Then, we came up with another idea. We had a male gay friend that agreed to marry Diane, get her legalized, and they would have divorced when she got all of her papers. But after the court  room wedding, about a few months later, he was arrested, went to jail and that was the end of that plan. A few years later, she received divorce papers from jail. We came SO close.

It feels strange now, looking back at how far we were willing to go to legally be together. All of that occurred in the first 5-6 years of our relationship.

I KNOW she loved me then, and she was happy. We were SO disappointed that it played out the way it did, on both attempts. It left us feeling hopeless, like her becoming a citizen was never going to happen.

We deserved to be happy. We deserved for it to work out so she could have her own ID and try to accomplish some of her dreams. The inability of being able to do so, ruined it all for us. At least that's where it started.

That's as far as I can comprehend right now. And I suppose if it were meant to be, it would have played out that way.. It sure as hell didn't. I can't help but wonder how things would be today, had one of those two attempts worked out.

Part of me would like to believe we wouldn't have arrived to the point that is our reality now. I will never know. It just makes it worse for me to speculate now. I'm at the point of wishing I would have done more of this, and more of that.. while I had happiness in my grasp.

It feels like I am grieving those little things I wish I would have done more, like making her cup of tea in the morning, or snuggling longer, or going for more walks together, with Bella, just to name a few..

When my physical injuries occurred, I just couldn't walk like I used to. And I know she missed that, among other things I didn't do any longer, either because I couldn't, or because I became lazy, or I just didn't have the energy. I have my own share of responsibilities in this. I totally admit that. And I have regrets over them.

I know in my heart that if my feelings had ever begun to change towards her, I would have told her right then and there as soon as I realized it. I would have NEVER thought to keep it from her, and I would have KNOWN that doing so would have hurt her more. But we are different people, I guess.

I know I could have never lived a false pretense leading her on, letting her believe we were happy. I am a loyal person and would not, could not, keep something that important from her. As if you don't already know, I am always the first to open my heart and tell who ever will listen , how I am feeling. Good or bad, that's just me.

The sad thing is I thought she was of the same heart. I knew her to be, she proved it on many many occasions. What happened to that, where did that loyalty in her go? I want to be able to go back in time and change things, change some of my decisions, actions, and change taking what we had for granted, because I can see that I did.

I think I keep re~reading the conversations we had once she got back, in an attempt to understand my part in the failure of "US."

I wish I had a magic wand.

Or a crystal ball.

Or special powers.

Or was invisible so I could be with her.

But obviously I am not. So on that note, I should try to get to sleep, it's nearly 7 a.m. And I have to work later.



Life with Kaishon said...

I am so sorry you are hurting. Sending love today. Praying for a new beginning. A fresh start.

jo.irish.rose said...

Toone? I thought you were past all this part.....you were doing so good!!! Envoye la lettre puis ce vas etre finis! Bon! Je t'aime ma petite toone de crotte!!!

dick said...

I love it when Jo speaks French. It really stimulates me, if you "catch my drift"...

dick said...

... as far as the pic for this post, it's always been my philosophy that it's better that people hate you for who you truly are, then love you for who you pretend to be.
Remember that.

C said...

dick that is SO right! i totally agree. thanks all.

kristi said...

I love that you "keep it real" and my husband always knows how I am feeling. We had a major blow up about a month or so ago and I let him know that his asinine treatment of me was not going to be tolerated. I applaud you for being honest because a lot of people just don't have a spine or balls and that is so wrong!

Clippy Mat said...

C: who knows why love goes away? But you certainly had the odds stacked against the two of you. There was just too much that couldn't be overcome. I know you hurt but remember that you had a good life together and the rest is just what came with the fallout.
Stay strong.