"...wE mUst bE thE chAnGe wE wiSh tO sEE iN thE wOrld..." K.G.

12/08/2011

noises. those creepy sometimes sneaky things you don't wanna hear.

I worked tonight.

and I found myself searching with a deep longing for my ring that I assidently flushed down the terlet. I can hear it calling my name from deep within the guts of the plumbing system... mama, MaMa... MAMA!!!! where are you...? I can only hope it's happy where ever it arrives at. frankly, the thought of MY ring on a STRANGER'S finger just makes my ass twitch.

ok, so tonight I'm walking to the bathroom on our floor. it is pretty nice but the hallway is long and empty. sometimes I hear weird noises as the other end of the hallway is open to the plaza below.

stuff echoes.

many nights the cleaning people pop up unexpectedly here or there, and startle me. so much so one time that I tooted. I couldn't help it, out came a little squeak because I was frightened and so I just kept on walking, looking at the floor hurriedly trying to get to the safety of the bathroom. I think me anus was just askeeered then embarrassed, and trying to tell me so.

yeah, it happens...

tonight though, I kept hearing a tiny echo of a noise that sounded like it was behind me once I walked into the building for work. it was the dandiest thing... when I took a step, I heard a faint little sound like the tearing of a Velcro when you peel it back from that which it is stuck to. the more steps I took, the more of the sound I heard. I kept waiting for someone to pop out at me but no body did...

then suddenly I got the heebie jeebies and all the hairs on my arms and necks and faces stood up as if they were doing the wave at a soccer game.. you know the kind... and it askeeered me a little. if I walked faster, the noise was faster. if I stopped, the noise stopped. WTF I asked meself... (but I didn't answer me cuz I didn't know)

And so, I finished me bidness in the bathroom, went back out in the hallway to return to our locked unit, and there it t'was again... vpp vpp vpp vpp. I looked around and still saw no one. well, lemme interejaculation interject that the unit in the hospital I worked for in labor & delivery prior to this job, WAS haunted and we, the night shift, were used to hearing all kinds of noises- whispering, flushing toilets in empty rooms, doors slamming, crying babies when we had no patients... and we knew it was real because we ALL heard it.

my point is that I started thinking maybe this place is haunted as well. many old buildings are and the little hairs that were standing up on my necks and arms and faces agreed with moi. they were also screaming for me to run, run bitch run back to the unit...

I. don't. run.

I can't run, my body just doesn't do that anymore. it would rearrange all my innards. (that's organs to you Canadians Winking smile)

if I were to try to run, I would end up on the floor, as my breasticles would bounce one way, and the stomachs would go another, and the chins, those craZy lil fuckin chins would muck it all up and throw me off balance... down I'd go.

if I even THINK about trying run, my knees quiver and I piss meself.

I safely returned me pube to me cube (LMAO, just had to...) and the gal across from me pointed down to the heel of my shoe and asked if I knew I had a big piece of tape stuck to it.. well I'll be a Chewbacca in a barber shop without any money! the noise that so freakishly askeeered me, was meself! it was the tape sticking to the carpet as I walked. I have NO idea where I may have picked it up but it was very stuck to my shoe. and I didn't even see the lil bastard...

it isn't easy getting double sided duct tape off, let alone having to face the cleaning person that witnessed my hallway squeak & was now in our unit, doing his job.

I was just hoping he wouldn't recognize me, the hallway tooterooni. I decided that if he did, I would just pretend me aspeaka non ingaleash...

C

 

t197

5 comments:

kristi said...

LOL...sounds like something I would do too!

sophie...^5 said...

I thought your ring was going to magically appear...no such magic, eh! Thanks fir the innards clarification...now I knows whats me guts are!!

ChiTown Girl said...

You are fucking hilarious!! Oh, and you're a big dork!

La Roo said...

That made my morning. Frickin funny. :)

DysFUNctional Mom said...

This right here is why I love you.
I've missed you so!
Last night I was talking to a 'special someone' and had to give him directions to my house and almost said "call me so I can give you ERECTIONS" but then I thought "no, too soon...." although now in hindsight it actually would have been quite appropriate...
did I type that out loud??