(me, Denise, Joanne)
I have had enough of the game playing on my blog, this is MY personal space and I use it pretty much like a diary. I am offended that my sister Denise has found it, because now it has come between us and caused a huge family palaver. she is hurt by what she read. however, I need a safe place to process my feelings about the things that occur in my life, even if it includes some family issues. I have been thinking about this for quite awhile and have come to the conclusion the 3 of us sisters still have a lot of growing up to do. somewhere deep inside, we are still the little girls from our youth, filled with painful memories, still victims of circumstance & abuse. our mother raised us alone. she actually encouraged competition for her attention, between us. she promoted ridiculing each other, having hurtful nicknames for each other, and when we went along with her behaviors, we gained her approval, thus, having her "attention" and "love." we were all starving for it, doing anything she asked of us, to get it. when the 3 of us sisters get together, there is always conflict. some of us resort to old patterns & behaviors, and those old hurtful feelings come back to surface and come out sideways at each other. the 3 of us are guilty of talking about the other 2 behind her back, making hurtful comments, unnecessary judgments, and viewing each other more like enemies rather than sisters. we all vow to get along "this time" when Jo visits, but someone always starts with the crap and it starts all over again. there doesn't even have to be a reason.. one wrong lil slip of a word or action brings it all on, and off we go. this is what we were taught, growing up. our mother is no longer alive, yet parts of her still remain. because I am the oldest, I always felt it was my responsibility to take care of my family- (mom & siblings). I was PLACED into that role from a very young age.. it has gotten to the point where we can't even discuss anything from our past, as everyone remembers it differently. and then the fights start. Jo and I are the only ones speaking to each other at the moment. Denise no longer wants to be in our lives, because she was so hurt that I mentioned some of our issues on here. I hope she will change her mind. I only spoke the truth, I didn't exaggerate or lie about any of it. I find it unbelievable after all the things she has said to Jo and I over the years, she was offended because we spoke back in our own defense. I never meant to hurt her, I love her and always will. I miss her very much in my life. but when we do get closer, I find that she says some harsh things to me, and is judgmental about many things that also hurt me. she needs to understand how the tone of her voice portrays her words and that she is so judgmental, just like our mother. I never used to talk back to her, because I will do anything to avoid conflict... but I'm afraid in doing so, I have falsely led her to believe she can say anything to me and it's acceptable... and I won't put up a fuss. however, those days are over. I no longer want to be spoken to in such a demeaning manner, and so when I began to speak back to her, and confront her- the shit, as they say, once again hits the fan. she can dish it out, but she can't take it. I feel like I can't win for losing. when I was young, I saw how much our mother struggled to keep food on the table, clothes on our backs, and the ice off the inside of our walls during winter. she is one of 11 siblings, and they have all done well for themselves. I could see that even as a kid, not a single one of them tried to help our mother, and I loathed that about them. I could not understand why they, her fucking siblings, wouldn't help her. and I swore to myself back then, that I would always take care of mine, if they needed it. I find myself in her shoes at this point in my life. no one will ever know how much we have struggled these past few years, and right after my divorce. telling me that "something will work out" just pisses me off. I find those words to really mean they do not want to help me... even if quite able to. those words never put food on my table, gas in my car, or diapers on my babies, back in the day. now, my bills are piling up because I have had no income for over a month. I got my first paycheck yesterday, and after paying the rent, I don't think there is enough to last us until next payday. it will take a long time to ketchup on everything. I don't EXPECT anyone to help me, I have just felt so alone in my despair when things looked so bleak. it has never been about money, it has always been about feeling support. when it all boils down to it, the only person I can truly depend on, is myself. I am alone within my own boundaries... just like our mother was. family dynamics can change the character of a person... and I would love to be able to see who we would all have been as people, had things been better when we were kids. then again, is the cup half empty or half full? it's all in the perspective, isn't it.. so I ask the age old question, am I who I am because of my past... OR despite my past...? I may never know. but it brings me comfort to believe the cup is half full, rather than half empty. at least I established a career for myself, mom never worked or educated herself. she never even wanted to learn how to drive. so in that respect, I have achieved more than she did, in her lifetime.
and I did that all on my own.