"...wE mUst bE thE chAnGe wE wiSh tO sEE iN thE wOrld..." K.G.

5/04/2011

…things have not been too good in our household lately. a lot of stress and no job offers for me. even though I’m not working , there still doesn’t seem to be enough time for everything, everyday. I’m sure my depression has been fueled by my situation, and I seem to have more bad days than good ones at the moment. some family dynamics are changing, and of course, more stress there. we are barely hanging on financially, and I feel a rage building up inside of me, due to frustration of my injury preventing me from doing what I did before the accident, and the fact that my impairment narrows the window for employment for me so much so, there just aren't that many positions available for what I am trained in, or what I have done. the truth is that I can no longer perform CPR and that is a requirement for nearly every nursing position, even those in an office. I feel like I have lost my livelihood. I held on to my faith that something would come into view for me, but right now I can’t see past tomorrow. I am feeling the toll physically on my body that my emotional status is causing me… I am losing motivation and energy I need to keep going. I do not know how long I can continue at this level of stress, live on a minimal income, remain positive, and keep going although it feels like I am going uphill with an elephant in tow. I have difficulty sleeping, my appetite is affected, I have lost interest in things I usually enjoy very much~ including blogging, and playing my beloved scrabble game I have on my computer… just to name a few. and sex? forgettaboutit.

I am a hot mess.

…as negative as I may sound, I know there are people in worse situations than I, with problems that mine pale to in comparison… that makes me feel somewhat guilty for complaining. but fuck, that shouldn’t invalidate my situation, as for me, it is my reality I live in, not the appearances of someone else’s.. I apologize in advance if this post bums you out… hopefully my next one will be cheerier. maybe I will have good news to share… let’s hope for the best.

…I am SERIOUSLY considering a phone sex job.. if Anne Hathaway can do it, so can I. 

C

7 comments:

sophie...^5 said...

Gees, I'll call ya....lol. Depression is such a bummer. We have gone through that in the passed 3 years due to Jim's concussion and my leaving my job to caretake. I thought that life was over, but life has taken a new course. We lost a few friends and family is stupid in the head because of varying degrees of denial or just plain "selfishness". So, hope is what you have and maybe think in a different vain, there's gotta be something out there waiting for you.
PS...do not eat bayberries, at least these one...stomach ache fer sure!

Busy Bee Suz said...

Anne Hathaway works doing phone sex? Wow...the economy really is in the tank now.
I am sorry you are so down, and being down with all you have going on is a normal feeling. You can only fake 'happy' for so long.
I am sending you some of my good mojo. (i have an excessive amount right now) And some prayers...those can't hurt can they?
Just know you are loved.
xoxoxo
Suz

greg said...

I'm sorry these are such bad times for you - you need a break from the ick. My fingers and toes are crossed that things will get better soon. xoxo

La Roo said...

You are going through shit, really...it sucks. Don't loose track of your strengths. You are a strong person and have obviously been through a lot. It always seems like things will never get better when you are so wrapped up in the scheme of things......I know, I've done it to my self. There is probably another path you need to be taking other than nursing. Maybe as a motivational speaker or a writer, (which you are frickin great at).I don't know how you get into that,but you are awesome with words lady.
Big hugs. Laroo

jo.irish.rose said...

toone...i dont know what to say...seems like everyone already said it all. lol i can say i love you and send big hugs and kisses, and that i will be there soon to give them to you in person! just a few short weeks. i hope. not too long to wait. that is something to look forward to. meanwhile, keep pluggin away at the applications. k? and i will help when i get there.

don't get discouraged toone, something will come that is just right and you will love doing it. i just know it. it will be perfect. just remember this, all the time you worry, it makes your body wear out easier, fatigued, achier, and also depression will set in. by you worrying, you wont get a job any quicker. PLUS you get worry lines on your cute lil face. and we cant have that happenin now can we? nut uh!! lol

k, well, i got to go medicate meself again....my back is in spasms....oh, me achin' back..lmao!

Technodoll said...

That is SO true - not because others have bigger problems that ours don't count!

We love and support you, girl, no matter what. Anyone in your situation would be frustrated and angry - I'm pissed off for you, I know how much you loved your job and how good you were at it.

I'd love to have enough money to pay you to write a book - dammit!

(( hugs from far away ))

Clippy Mat said...

not sure why you've had such a run of bad luck but surely it's due to end anytime soon? i hope so. you deserve a break and it's about time it started. i'll hope for the best, cos you really deserve something good to happen.
:-)