"...wE mUst bE thE chAnGe wE wiSh tO sEE iN thE wOrld..." K.G.

4/11/2011

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I had a mini breakdown tonight. I had a talk with my son Christopher on the way back to his dorm, as he spent the day here. as I’ve mentioned before, he will be spending 8 months in Quebec City as a foreign exchange student this fall. I told him I thought he should see his father before he leaves, as they don’t speak or see each other even though David lives here too. it is so sad to say that David hasn’t built a relationship with Christopher for many years now. he used to see our kids every now and again when they were all younger, but he didn’t have patience with them when he did. Christopher has ADHD and David would get irritated with his hyperness, and  having all 4 kids together, so he’d bring the kids home early. to make a long story short, only 2 of our 4 kids even talk to him and even so, it’s not your normal father/child relationship. it’s more of a surfacey-small-chat-keep-it-general  kind of relationship. yet I KNOW that David would give his life for any one of them, and I KNOW he loves them. he just doesn’t show it. consequently, over the years Christopher decided that if his dad couldn’t care enough to make the effort to be in his life, then he wasn’t going to care. I think it was a self protection thing, so if he didn’t care then his absence couldn’t hurt him. it hurts me beyond words because I know what it’s like to not have your dad. Christopher is an adult now, and can make his own decisions and choices about the people in his life yet I can’t seem to stop wanting to fix things between them. Diane says I need to just let it go and let Christopher handle it, that I can’t make him have a relationship with his dad. I know in my head that is true, but my heart still aches for the two of them. Dave and I went through too much to become parents to have it end up like this. to me it’s worse because of all we have been through. a few years back, David came to one of Christopher's concert performances and he cried when he heard him play. so I know in his heart he loves him, he just doesn’t know how to be a consistent father.  Christopher's birthday is Wednesday, and he doesn’t want to do anything with his dad. if they don’t see each other before he leaves for Canada, how will they live with themselves if something happens to one of them and they didn’t say goodbye…? I am painfully screaming inside for things to be different.. and my heart hurts.

C

8 comments:

ChiTown Girl said...

Wow, this IS hard. You know, better than most, what a rollercoaster ride my relationship with CSJ has been over the past couple of decades. There were MANY times, especially in the beginning, that I used to wish CSJ was one of those dead-beat dads, who never came around, so that I didn't have to see him or deal with him. But, then the logical side of me would kick in and remind my immature, babyish side that I should be thanking God that he loves his son so much and wants to be a part of his life. I always used to complain that he was around TOO much, but now I'm thankful.

I have to agree with Diane, though. You can't force Christopher to have a relationship he doesn't want, no matter how much it pains you. I can understand his anger toward his father for not being in his life. I can't imagine how hurtful that must be for him. I think eventually he may come around and realize that his father loves him, even if he doesn't show it in the ways Christopher wants him to. It'll work itself out.

xoxox

jo.irish.rose said...

toone, i know how he must think that dave doesnt love him. he may even blame dave for the fact that you are both split up! and holding that against him. but you cant force them together. when christopher feels like the time is right, he will approach dave. it may take something big, like a sickness or something for christopher to have his eyes opened. i bet once he is in canada, away from all his family, you will see a different kid. wait and see. distance does something to the heart. right now he has everthing at his beck and call and brought right to him. why should he care? when he is gone and all alone up there, he will have a change of heart. he will be receptive then. it will make a man out of him. i know it sounds harsh, but the reality is toone, he needs this. it will hurt you, i know. i have had to let my kids go so many times. when jin left at 17 for basic training then off to japan, then to a war, i nearly died! and when we left for TN and had to leave jonathan behind, well, i can't say what that did to my heart. i still have the scars. we are alike, me and you. we bear similar war wounds. not all of them, but a few. so, i think christopher just needs maturing, and he will do that in his own time. you did so good with all your kiddies. but like you said, they are all adults now, and they will have to choose now. but in our hearts...our mom hearts...it still hurts. i love you, {{{hugs}}} and smooochies!!! i will be there sooon!

Busy Bee Suz said...

I am with Diane on this too C.
You can't force it...David is an adult. Christopher is an adult now.
Many people get through life without a good relationship with their parents...NOT fun, but it can happen. (YOU KNOW)
He is a smart young man with a WONDERFUL and loving Mama and family...he will be fine no matter what.
xoxoxoxoxo

Dysfunctional Mom said...

I know it hurts, but Diane is right. They're both adults and they are responsible for their own relationships & feelings. Try not to worry about it too much, you have enough on your plate! xo

C said...

thanks for the support... i know diane is right, and that i need to let go. i will, but i dont have to like it... heehee

Jim said...

Hi Chris. They WILL work it out. Let them do it.
You must be so proud to have 4 kids! You survived!

Technodoll said...

(( hugs )) my dear... as everyone has told you, you cannot be responsible for everyone's happiness all the time. they're both adults and need to work it out between themselves. now breathe. everything will be fine... and if it isn't, it has nothing to do with you :-)

Maria said...

Sorry, but Diane is right on this one. Your fingerprints on his back will show.

I think it is good that you have such a healthy attitude about David, though.