I had a mini breakdown tonight. I had a talk with my son Christopher on the way back to his dorm, as he spent the day here. as I’ve mentioned before, he will be spending 8 months in Quebec City as a foreign exchange student this fall. I told him I thought he should see his father before he leaves, as they don’t speak or see each other even though David lives here too. it is so sad to say that David hasn’t built a relationship with Christopher for many years now. he used to see our kids every now and again when they were all younger, but he didn’t have patience with them when he did. Christopher has ADHD and David would get irritated with his hyperness, and having all 4 kids together, so he’d bring the kids home early. to make a long story short, only 2 of our 4 kids even talk to him and even so, it’s not your normal father/child relationship. it’s more of a surfacey-small-chat-keep-it-general kind of relationship. yet I KNOW that David would give his life for any one of them, and I KNOW he loves them. he just doesn’t show it. consequently, over the years Christopher decided that if his dad couldn’t care enough to make the effort to be in his life, then he wasn’t going to care. I think it was a self protection thing, so if he didn’t care then his absence couldn’t hurt him. it hurts me beyond words because I know what it’s like to not have your dad. Christopher is an adult now, and can make his own decisions and choices about the people in his life yet I can’t seem to stop wanting to fix things between them. Diane says I need to just let it go and let Christopher handle it, that I can’t make him have a relationship with his dad. I know in my head that is true, but my heart still aches for the two of them. Dave and I went through too much to become parents to have it end up like this. to me it’s worse because of all we have been through. a few years back, David came to one of Christopher's concert performances and he cried when he heard him play. so I know in his heart he loves him, he just doesn’t know how to be a consistent father. Christopher's birthday is Wednesday, and he doesn’t want to do anything with his dad. if they don’t see each other before he leaves for Canada, how will they live with themselves if something happens to one of them and they didn’t say goodbye…? I am painfully screaming inside for things to be different.. and my heart hurts.