"...wE mUst bE thE chAnGe wE wiSh tO sEE iN thE wOrld..." K.G.


my state of mind has been lurking down memory lane lately, as you can prolly tell by the post prior to this one... but there's a bit more i need to express before i move on from these recent revelations of my life.


when i was growing up, music was my life line. it was the only thing that gave me courage when i was scared, enlightenment when i felt depressed, and motivation to keep going even through very lonely times... sometimes i would play certain songs that would just fill me up inside with joy and energy so powerfully that i felt euphoric, as if i could do anything... it was like my soul took off and soared amongst the clouds with pure joy and i would have to dance from my happiness. i equate my feeling that way to what it must feel like most of the time for normal kids who have self esteem, who aren't bleeding from their soul and needing desperately, yet not knowing what it is that they need.. certain music still affects me that way, it just always has. i have tried to figure out why music is such a staple for me, and the only conclusion i came to was it literally was all i had that was good in my life growing up. my mom was always in the home, day in and day out- but she wasn't there. the lights were on but nobody was home. and i don't mean that she was crazy although some may disagree... i mean that there were no conversations between us, she couldn't give me straight answers when i asked, she didn't respect me in any shape or form, i received no comfort or affection from her when i needed it, got pushed away when i wanted to hug her, no interest in what was important to me at all. when she did speak to me it was her barking orders to do this or not do that.. and when i asked her for something a kid wants like to go play outside, she would look straight ahead and say no, but i had to judge her look and the tone of her voice to see if she really was saying no but meaning yes... because she couldn't be straight with me. she found it so hard to give permission, she must of believed if she said no long enough, i would then be discouraged from wanting what it was i was asking for because she didn't really want me to have fun or be away from her control. if i heard a yes in her tone when i asked, i was out that door and wouldn't return home until i was worn out and needed to go to bed. this is why music was so important to me. it was all i had... and i clung to it like a dog clings to a bone... i grasped it until it became a deep part of myself. i even had to do my homework with the radio on or i couldn't concentrate. if a kid doesn't get what they need from the parents, they will find something to fill the voids and keep them company.. there's no worse feeling than that of abandonment.. what helped me was music. my mother would tell you today that she devoted her life to us kids, and that she was always home... which is true, she was always there physically but without the bonding, mutual communication, and interest in me, i felt alone. she might as well have been out working. do you know how lonely it is to feel totally alone even with a parent or a spouse who's in the same room with you, yet they don't acknowledge you? it hurts less to be completely alone than to be with someone who ignores you. trust me i know. i think my mom's frame of mind was that she needed to be with us at all times. she didn't go to college, she didn't get a job, we lived on welfare, she never even learned how to drive or had a car. she lived for us but that is wrong, because when its time for us to fly, she is left with no life of her own... and, by smothering us the way she did, we never learned to develop our own personalities.. she even robbed us of that. we had to be what she needed us to be so she wouldn't be lonely. it's no wonder that when i got married and left home, i was an empty shell.. i didn't know how to fend for myself, or cook, or do anything.. because it was always about her, never about what she could do for us. as each one of us 4 kids left home, we were like fish out of water. lost. not knowing where to start... and being told we were stupid and ignorant because we didn't know how to be independent nor self sufficient. yet SHE is the one who raised us that way!!!! its so fucking crazy, man...


back to my point... when i do connect with those special songs, i feel like i go into a deep momentary trance, because all of my senses remember just what it was like originally back in the day.. and as i hear that song today, it washes through me like the warmth of the sun rays in the summer. details are clear. the feelings return as they were originally. and then i begin the longing... maybe not so much to be back in the past but to validate that i was there and that i felt the way i did.. and feeling it again gives me a feeling of love for myself, cuz it's like I'm standing off to the side watching myself and feeling longing, and love for me.. whereas in the original time i had nothing but loathing for myself because i wasn't good enough... so maybe when i have these memories, i can actually see my real self with clarity for who i really was rather than the mask of shame i viewed every thing through at the time. shit, does any of this even make any sense....

regardless, it's what was on me mind and i thank you for allowing me to ramble and babble on like this...

sometimes i feel like i am so fucked up until i write it out in here then i realize ok, i am fucked up... but at least i can dance..



an old picture of me and my siblings, i was 10 [with the red hat on for my confirmation] standing outside in the projects we lived in growing up.


Clippy Mat said...

you write so well. you just have a perfect clarity about your childhood and are able to explain and reason with the past. i love how you dig deep and go back and deal with it all as painful as it must be at times.
your mum, she must have been a lost soul. did she have an abusive childhood? she couldn't show love or approval. in spite of that you found joy through your music. keep on dancing. :-)

ChiTown Girl said...

I think you should start collecting all these beautiful essays about your childhood, and compile them into a book. You'd be on the NYT best sellers list in an instant. You are totally my favorite author!!

Jason, as himself said...

I have the same experiences with certain songs, too.

I'm sorry your growing up years were so void. What was it about your mom that made her the ways he was?

Busy Bee Suz said...

Music can really touch our soul...and it lasts forever too.
Your mom really messed up badly..she really missed out on all the joys in life. Like being a mom, having fun, feeling love and joy and all that good stuff.
I am so glad that you are NOT like her in that way, you know better and enjoy your kids.
You are such a cutie in that picture below...this newer one is just too fuzzy for my eyes, but I can tell it is from the same day.
You are cute...you are sweet...you are loving.
I hope that you get some good news this week and that you feel like a million bucks soon!. Because that is what you deserve.!!!!

jo.irish.rose said...

toone, i have different memories, of course i am 5 years younger, but i do remember the empty staring, and sometimes the answers she would give, "NO" but really you could get a yes out of it. or a good maybe...depending on her mood. i feel she may of been manic depressive. we didn't know it then. but knowing what we know about it now, i would say yes. she deff was in a depression, but because she went so back and forth from one to the other so drastically, and her moods changed, well, i'm not a dr. but i would guess her as having that, wouldn't you, toone? not so much at the very end of her life, but growing up. i also think alot of it had to do with the way her father treated her. and her perverted sister marguerite and brother jean, i am sure they influenced her some way growing up. she didn't become the way she did on her own. so....not defending her at all! but saying many peeps don't just "be" that way, they are influenced somewhere along the way too. just like we are too, from when we were little, stuff happened to us, and it shapes us and molds us and makes us what we are today! i remember many times that i did stuff too and she would yell at me and degrade what i did, and i was the baby....supposedly the "well liked" one. if i wanted my friend to come over or wanted to cook something, it was a catastrophe! but in her mind, that was something that would cost money or disrupt her clean home. i am just guessing. i don't know. if i wanted to have a friend overnight, OMG that was even worse! that would entail changing sheets the next day! manual labor! eeehhhh! NEVER!!!

so, this, my lil bloggy buds, was our life, as we remember it, or as best as we remember it, so help me God.....lol

Technodoll said...

Oh hun, I wish I could turn back time and give you a happier childhood, one you truly deserved!

At least you had music to bridge you through the rough times... you don't need to explain, I was there too. sigh.

Rock on? ;-)