"...wE mUst bE thE chAnGe wE wiSh tO sEE iN thE wOrld..." K.G.



ya know, i am really trying to be brave and live on my faith but this latest news from my boss is just kickin my ass! and it's affecting my daily life...

i went to make chicken and noodles for dinner tonight and let it cook too long. the noodles were mush, had to throw it all out. I've lost my fucking chef skills.

i keep imagining myself in ridiculous situations that will never happen in my life time. like what are the odds of finding a bag full of cash along side the interstate? yet i look vehemently when I'm driving. is that wrong?

and what about winning the lottery? i bought some tickets and wasted my valuable five bucks on losing ones.... shit i coulda bought a six-pack and got drunk...

instead of saving every penny i spent way too much at the grocery store on comfort foods for myself and family, trying to soothe my nerves due to my sichee-ation. and now here i sat tonight watching the Olympics, stuffing myself, and crying with the poor Canadian skater who lost her mom Sunday.


i am jobless for the first time in my life!

that's NOT how i usually roll.

my fears are;

1.) they will try to stick me in a job i absolutely hate... with bitches, douche bags, bastards, and freaks...


b.) there will be NO job, i will become homeless, and the corner i have to live on downtown will not allow dogs. i ain't gettin rid of my dog for no one!

actually, all your support does comfort me... think I'll be able to plug in my computer downtown on the corner? or do they even have electricity for the homeless....

i feel a bit helpless right now. i can't apply for another job whilst i am on workman's comp. i see my doc Tuesday for another x-ray. i am still going to therapy 3 times a week. i do not have full range of motion in my left arm. i cannot bend it like this, nor do that, and i sure as hell can't reach back here either. AND i can only raise it this high. my arm is weak and i have no strength in it yet.

when the time comes for me to be fully released, my workman's comp. will stop paying me. without a job, what the fuck am i supposed to support my family, pay my rent and bills, and still manage to buy my beloved M&M's with? huh? huh? twill be the end of me as i know it without me chocolate. i could live in my car as long as i had me chocolate.

ok guys, i have been wallowing in self pity here and trying to lighten it up. the truth is, i am really scared. i am doing my best to lean on my faith that everything happens for a reason. i have my moments of sheer panic, then i go potty, and feel better.

i have lived through worse things than this and am still here. [maybe I'll share another story where i almost died]...





yes. a new job will become available for me that will pay more and make me happy as well.

i can choose to believe that. yes.


or, i will find that lil bag stuffed full of cash that i am looking for along the highways... which ever comes first.




Busy Bee Suz said...

Oh C, I wish I had some answers or some good advice for you, but I don't. My heart breaks for you...for all you are going though, for what you have been through and what you are facing.
I don't believe in any of that "The Secret" crap...that if you vision it, it will come your way. But I do know for your own well being, sanity and mental stability you must find a spot deep inside to draw from...you have to find some hope for the future. Something to guide you on this next journey.
you do have the love of your family...including the critters.
Deep thoughts. Deep breaths.
Pray. Smile through the b.s.
I will be saying some extra prayers for you my friend.


ChiTown Girl said...

yeah...what Suz said.... ;-)

Chloe said...

It's normal to feel scared, but have faith. It will happen. I've been reading your blog now, and there are so many instances where things you don't expect happen to you.... like having your biological children when you least expected them or that cop from your last story coming to save you from harm. Just keep your head up, my dear friend. My thoughts and prayers are with you. {hugs}

J. Hi said...

Chloe's right, feeling scared is normal. But you seems to have a good attitude and that counts for a lot. You might find a place that will make you happier. Still, I will be praying for you to win the lottery too. (you are playing aren't you?) ;)

Clippy Mat said...

stay positive. being in a positive frame of mind creates more positive events -- and the reverse is also true. keep thinking of all the good things in your life and focus on them and continue to work hard on your recovery.
We are all rooting for you.
Hugs :-)))