Tonight we watched the Grammy awards. some parts were more emotional than others. for example, i cried at the Michael Jackson tribute- the duo with the blind opera singer and Mary j. Blige singing "bridge over troubled waters"... but as the show continued i felt something building up inside of me that i couldn't acknowledge until everyone else was asleep in bed. and here i sit...
I really love Taylor Swift. i think she will go far in her career and has a gift for writing from her heart. she is beautiful, innocent and humble. she seems pure in spirit to me. i hope she never loses that.
This may sound so crazy for me to say but i have never meant anything more. Taylor reminds me of a part of myself when i was the ages of 13-18 years old. i sure don't look like her and i couldn't sing to save my life but there is a quality of the words she writes to her songs that seems to pull at my heart as i can relate to every feeling she talks about... the painful longing for a boy she likes, true love, you should be with me... to name a few. and the self esteem she possesses that comes forth in how she carries herself, walks, talks, and sings. i can see the support and love she has from her family to encourage her to blossom into the person she is meant to be.
I can't even IMAGINE how that would feel and how much more of me i would be today had i had the same. i was ridiculed when i sang, ridiculed if i cried over a TV program and called names making me shut down over any feelings i experienced that were sensitive and part of becoming myself. the lyrics to a few of her songs remind me of how i felt about David, my first and only love with a man, my husband and father of my kids. the feelings i had for him at that innocent time in my life when everything was fresh, new, and wonderful... and being able to express them to him back then, was the only outlet i had for when i transitioned from being a girl to becoming a woman. its amazing how intimate and safe i felt with him just because i could express how i felt to him and he understood AND reciprocated.
I SHOULD have been able to express myself to my mom.
I SHOULD have been able to receive non sexual touching and warm hugs from her. the love i felt for David SHOULDNT have felt dirty to me or made me feel ashamed to care so much about someone and it didn't until she made remarks about it. i SHOULDNT have been made to feel dirty for feeling the normal things a girl does growing up. when i met him, i was starved for SAFE love and PURE affection.
I once had those qualities that Taylor reminds me of and more, inside of myself. but i didn't recognize them or realize my worth until many years later when it was too late. in that i mean too late to know what i might have become had i not lived over half of my life as an empty shell.... made up of only those things other people needed me to be for their own needs while negating everything i was. i allowed it because i didn't know any different.
I grieve at the wasted lost time that SHOULD have been mine. i used to write poetry and i had to hide it for fear my siblings or mother would find it and make fun of it. i couldn't just walk up to my mom and get a long hug or even exchange affectionate feelings or thoughts like "i love you." it was rejected. the only physical touch from her were inappropriate sexual ones, and when it wasn't touching, she was verbally sexually disgusting... it was everywhere, all of the time. dirty sexual innuendos after i met David and about strangers on the street that happened to be couples....
I want to crawl out of my skin right now just remembering how that used to make me feel. it was so painful to admit such things in therapy years ago that i didn't want to live cuz i felt SO dirty.
Teenage angst, longing, love, lust, goodness, purity, need, wonderment, fantasy, pain, hopes and dreams.... should all be Pure and part of growing up. mine were taken from me. and tonight at the age of 54 years old, like a helpless fool who cant control her feelings, i am crying my heart out on yet another level of grieving for what should have been mine- for the what ifs of who would i be today had i not been robbed and suppressed and shamed for having normal feelings.... and i ask myself one more time-
Am i who i am today because of my painful past... Or am i who i am today despite my painful past.
I fear i will never know the right answer to that in my life time. i just need to cry and let the pain out AGAIN and pray for peace in my soul AGAIN and healing.
Because i find myself feeling so fucking stupid that all this was triggered by a stranger named Taylor Swift, simply because she is the parallel of how i saw myself on the inside- maybe not at the time because i was so shut down, but tonight, in retrospect.
And all of what i just wrote above can snowball so easily into how would i have been a better mother to my children had i had more of myself-
And if i don't stop myself from going down that road, it could easily turn into something negative so big that in my fragile state of mind tonight it might destroy me... again.
I will have my soul cleansing cry alone in my recliner, and try to let God have this pain tonight. i will picture his grand loving hands reach down to this wounded spirit and beg him to take my pain...
I don't know if i will ever be able to listen to her music without reliving my personal demons.
Forgive me for the self-pity party you have just been a part of. sorry there was no pizza and beer but i had to let it out.