"...wE mUst bE thE chAnGe wE wiSh tO sEE iN thE wOrld..." K.G.

2/01/2010

to catch a thief...

sad

Tonight we watched the Grammy awards. some parts were more emotional than others. for example, i cried at the Michael Jackson tribute- the duo with the blind opera singer and Mary j. Blige singing "bridge over troubled waters"... but as the show continued i felt something building up inside of me that i couldn't acknowledge until everyone else was asleep in bed. and here i sit...

I really love Taylor Swift. i think she will go far in her career and has a gift for writing from her heart. she is beautiful, innocent and humble. she seems pure in spirit to me. i hope she never loses that.

This may sound so crazy for me to say but i have never meant anything more. Taylor reminds me of a part of myself when i was the ages of 13-18 years old. i sure don't look like her and i couldn't sing to save my life but there is a quality of the words she writes to her songs that seems to pull at my heart as i can relate to every feeling she talks about... the painful longing for a boy she likes, true love, you should be with me... to name a few. and the self esteem she possesses that comes forth in how she carries herself, walks, talks, and sings. i can see the support and love she has from her family to encourage her to blossom into the person she is meant to be.

I can't even IMAGINE how that would feel and how much more of me i would be today had i had the same. i was ridiculed when i sang, ridiculed if i cried over a TV program and called names making me shut down over any feelings i experienced that were sensitive and part of becoming myself. the lyrics to a few of her songs remind me of how i felt about David, my first and only love with a man, my husband and father of my kids. the feelings i had for him at that innocent time in my life when everything was fresh, new, and wonderful... and being able to express them to him back then, was the only outlet i had for when i transitioned from being a girl to becoming a woman. its amazing how intimate and safe i felt with him just because i could express how i felt to him and he understood AND reciprocated.

I SHOULD have been able to express myself to my mom.

I SHOULD have been able to receive non sexual touching and warm hugs from her. the love i felt for David SHOULDNT have felt dirty to me or made me feel ashamed to care so much about someone and it didn't until she made remarks about it. i SHOULDNT have been made to feel dirty for feeling the normal things a girl does growing up. when i met him, i was starved for SAFE love and PURE affection.

I once had those qualities that Taylor reminds me of and more, inside of myself. but i didn't recognize them or realize my worth until many years later when it was too late. in that i mean too late to know what i might have become had i not lived over half of my life as an empty shell.... made up of only those things other people needed me to be for their own needs while negating everything i was. i allowed it because i didn't know any different.

I grieve at the wasted lost time that SHOULD have been mine. i used to write poetry and i had to hide it for fear my siblings or mother would find it and make fun of it. i couldn't just walk up to my mom and get a long hug or even exchange affectionate feelings or thoughts like "i love you." it was rejected. the only physical touch from her were inappropriate sexual ones, and when it wasn't touching, she was verbally sexually disgusting... it was everywhere, all of the time. dirty sexual innuendos after i met David and about strangers on the street that happened to be couples....

I want to crawl out of my skin right now just remembering how that used to make me feel. it was so painful to admit such things in therapy years ago that i didn't want to live cuz i felt SO dirty.

Teenage angst, longing, love, lust, goodness, purity, need, wonderment, fantasy, pain, hopes and dreams.... should all be Pure and part of growing up. mine were taken from me. and tonight at the age of 54 years old, like a helpless fool who cant control her feelings, i am crying my heart out on yet another level of grieving for what should have been mine- for the what ifs of who would i be today had i not been robbed and suppressed and shamed for having normal feelings.... and i ask myself one more time-

Am i who i am today because of my painful past... Or am i who i am today despite my painful past.

I fear i will never know the right answer to that in my life time. i just need to cry and let the pain out AGAIN and pray for peace in my soul AGAIN and healing.

Healing.

Because i find myself feeling so fucking stupid that all this was triggered by a stranger named Taylor Swift, simply because she is the parallel of how i saw myself on the inside- maybe not at the time because i was so shut down, but tonight, in retrospect.

And all of what i just wrote above can snowball so easily into how would i have been a better mother to my children had i had more of myself-

And if i don't stop myself from going down that road, it could easily turn into something negative so big that in my fragile state of mind tonight it might destroy me... again.

I will have my soul cleansing cry alone in my recliner, and try to let God have this pain tonight. i will picture his grand loving hands reach down to this wounded spirit and beg him to take my pain...

I don't know if i will ever be able to listen to her music without reliving my personal demons.

Forgive me for the self-pity party you have just been a part of. sorry there was no pizza and beer but i had to let it out.

Crp

 

 

12 comments:

otin said...

You have to just move forward and let the past go. I struggled with that for some years. There were a lot of wrong turns in my life that I wish that I could redo. Until someone can invent a time machine, it does me no good to even think about them. Try to live for today!

Busy Bee Suz said...

I pray that you find peace in your heart...I hate what your Mother did to you. She had her own personal demons (this is obvious) and she pushed them onto you.
You are allowed to have a pity party anytime you like. And we never ever know where our thoughts can come from or where they will take us. Crying is a good release for me...and for you as well.

hugs,
suz

kimber p said...

I can't even think of anything to say....so I'll just hug you {{{{C}}}}} I think you're an amazing testament to the strength of love... you are not your past. believe that. :)

ChiTown Girl said...

This was a really moving post. Everytime you share things about your past, you release a little bit of that pain, so you feel free to have a "purging" party anytime you want! It's not a pity party, because we don't pity you, we love you and understand you a little more with each party.

ChiTown Girl said...

Oh, and I almost forgot - I LOVE Taylor Swift, too! She's adorable, sweet, funny, talented, just amazing. Love her! I didn't catch the Grammy's last night, but saw some highlights this morning while I was getting ready for work. Go Taylor!

dont eat the token said...

Oh I'm so sorry about your icky past ~ you are right, you should have had that pure and safe love all along!

I think it's wonderful that you found something in T.Swift and it resonated with you. Another good cry to help you heal!

No doubt, despite the pain, you are giving good love to those in your life and that is wonderful, you are not trapped by your sad past any more!

LOL on the beer & pizza.

{{hugs!}}

Clippy Mat said...

well your honesty and willingness to share always humbles me. i hope that it's therapeutic. i hope that it helps you to come to terms with what happened to you and to reconcile the past-so you can put it away for what it was and move forwards.
if writing about it so honestly helps then i think that you must do it and purge yourself. i think you may help others in doing it. i hope you can love yourself for who you are now.
again, i think your writing is so inspiring.
hugs
pat :-)))

jo.irish.rose said...

toone,

i know what happened to us when we were kids was awful and should never of happened. it was a sin against all of us. shameful, and it cuts deep. as i read your words, i lived them again too. i had to let those feelings go along time ago. if i didn't, i wouldn't be able to be where i am today. you have soo much love inside you, you shouldn't let what she did to you control you. then this terrible thing rules over your life. i had to let go of this bitterness inside of me. along with all the other terrible things i went through. you know most of them. its all in the past, if i didn't give them all over to God, and ask forgiveness for what they did, and not only that, but forget it also...because that is how He does it. if He forgave our sins and didn't forget them, what is the point? so...i'm just saying...i think you are such a great mother, and you did wonderfully with your kids. they knew/know you loved/love them. so don't ever doubt that.

and just so you know...me and jim are fine...since i left there, it is like we just got married again. life is good, we are so blessed, and it is all because i turned back to God. so don't be afraid to look to Him for comfort, He will give you that peace that you long for, He will never leave you nor forsake you. He will carry you when you feel like you can't go on. He did that for me many times.

and toone, you know how we discuss our favorite sibling's bitterness? how she will be like our mom? and margaret? that root of bitterness will grow in her if she does not let it go, it will fester and boil and eat her up inside until she has no joy or love left inside. just like mommy. but let me tell you something. mommy had it right before she died. you wouldn't of recognized her. she was a completely different person. jim and i talked to her, about God, about forgiveness, about her life, and she understood, she cried about her life and asked forgiveness about all she did. she was a changed person. after that...she only lived about a month. 2 of those weeks in a coma like state. but i wish you could of seen her then. you would of loved her then. she was as sweet and lovable and contrite. i don't know if this will make a difference, but i wanted to share that with you.

i also wanted to say that for me, i had to find an outlet for my pain. to do that, me and jim may start a crisis center here, to help people who have been through abuse and stuff like i have. it does good to help others when you hurt, it also takes the burden off you. it makes you feel like you have helped another. they have a great need for that here. a lot of others feel that need to do it here too.

i hate that you still hurt, toone. i wish i could make it all go away. i will pray that God comforts and heals you in this. i love you very much. i wish i could be there to hug you and hold you. my petite crotte.

your lil goog jo

C said...

everyone, thank you for the support. i am a bit better tonight...

c

joe said...

It was a tragedy that your mom ruined the first half of your life, but it would be an even bigger tragedy if you let her ruin the rest of it.
I hope you can move past it all one day, because you're such a beautiful lady and you've got so much to offer, it would be a tragic shame if you let your mom continue to keep you down, especially even after her death.
I know first hand emotional and physical abuse that a parent can give (think french-canadian alcoholic stepfather), but the future lies ahead for all of us as a blank artist canvas. What we paint on it is up to us, and us alone.
Your friend always,
Joe

joe said...

Maybe, if it'll make you feel better, you could get a court order to have your mom's body exumed, then you can get her cremated then flush her down your toilet...

C said...

lmao @ joe, the last comment! thats a good idea but she was cremated and now resides in my sister's basement. i suppose i could kick her box around a little...
thank you everyone for the support. you dont know how much it helps me. the encouraging words mean alot.

c