"...wE mUst bE thE chAnGe wE wiSh tO sEE iN thE wOrld..." K.G.

2/28/2010

sleepless in Bellevue...

i have been tossing and turning, twisting and yearning, until i have messed up all the blankets on the bed. Diane is asleep on the couch where she remains, as i wearily climb out of bed once more with my chronic insomnia.

and here i am. my mind has a million thoughts racing around it but i couldn't tell you what they are. they are on the fast spinning carousel of my mind and i cant either get on or off the damn thing! i just hope i don't throw up..

so i will talk about sports. actually the Olympics. we have watched nearly all competitions the past 2 weeks and i must say skating, snow boarding, and skiing have been enjoyable.

i even watched curling and found that interesting. but the thing i loved the best out of all the events wasn't really an event at all. it was the little tidbits throughout, of real life stories of the athletes and what some have been through to get to these 2010 Olympics and realize their dreams. each was so touching, courageous, and inspiring that i realized everyone struggles the same. we might all have different situations and circumstances but we all do struggle, have hopes, and dreams that we aspire to accomplish.

their stories helped me with my depression, personally. i wanted to come out of it. i needed to come out of it. and it's funny how if i am open to that, i am able to see things in the least expected places that end up helping me. i am very grateful for that.... for being able to take another person's struggles and use it to inspire myself. what i have gone through is nothing in comparison to the Canadian skater who's mom died 2 days before her event, or the American bobsledder guy who was losing vision in one eye 4 years ago, had a surgery never performed before which resulted in saving his eye and giving him back his vision.... or the Swiss skier who was very badly injured, nearly died, was told he would never walk again yet recovered and competed and won gold... and these are just a few stories of many they documented about. when i see people like these who can be so brave and overcome such things, i feel like i can get through my own

 

whom I've let take over my life these past few months...

when my boss told me she had to post my position at work, my first reaction was fear....   

but now i am beginning to look forward to what will come next for me. i don't know what it will be but i have to believe it will be something good, something i deserve and will be happy with. if not, I'll move on from it. its really that simple. i will not be stuck in a job i do not like. the unknown is what has been frightening me the most.

it always has. I've been there many times before in my life and it always worked out for the best for me, why would i even think it would be different this time..? i am putting my faith in god's hands and awaiting to discover what he has in store for this insomniac with a healing arm who wants to work with babies.

now would someone please give me an Ativan,

come tuck me back in bed,

 

rub my tushy till i fall asleep....?

DiAnE... WAKEY WAKEY...

i am SO firking tired!

crp

9 comments:

Clippy Mat said...

way to be positive C.
that's the good thing about watching Olympians. they do teach us tht we can overcome obstacles and that is a lesson most of them have had to learn - the hard way.
Hope you got some sleep after that. Keep on being positive and thinking of what you are going to do when this is all behind you.
Cheering you on,
Pat x

Busy Bee Suz said...

I knew you would find some positivity somewhere....who knew it would be from the olympics? not me.
I hope you get your needed sleep...that will calm your brain down?
rub your tushy? really? I love having my hair brushed...it is like a sedative. :)

Technodoll said...

I would have thought watching curling would have put you right to sleep! LOL!

When all else fails, eating a giant poutine before bedtime will guarantee a sleep of the dead... try it!

*grin and hugs*

(hope you get some rest sweetie...)

Maria said...

We watched very little of the Olympics this year and I have no idea why. Last time, Liv was a first grader and I kept telling her that the next time that we saw the Olympics, she would be a big FIFTH grader. I could not even imagine being the mother of a ten year old. She was still having trouble saying goodbye to me without crying every morning when she went into school. Now she is a savvy ten year old who barely pecks my cheek in the morning. I can only imagine what it will be like when she is....OH, FUCK ME.....FOURTEEN years old.

Jason, as himself said...

Does this mean you're being fired?

I'll come rub your tushy.

C said...

no jason, not fired. i am separated from my prior position. the boss has to post my job now as my recovery is taking too long. [according to her]. so i may be able to reapply for it once i am released but i may not get it if its filled by then. so i have to seek another position within the same company, and keep my seniority and same wage.

oh please, come rub me tushy, i find that so comforting and will fall asleep like a baby.

c

DysFUNctional Mom said...

If I had some Ativan, I would glady pass it your way. I wish you luck in whatever is coming your way!
xoxo

J. Hi said...

oh, i hate insomnia. I only get it on occasion but Unisom is my friend on those nights. maybe you could score some Ambien. I hear it's great.

I think a gold medal is in your future. :)

Jude said...

That's right, stay positive. Right now your #1 priority is getting better after that the other stuff will fall right into your lap, or kick you in your butt.

hugs to you