it's been a while since i have posted and i will tell you why. brain fArTs. i had them. now i don't. [but ya nevah know when they'll come back] and i have alot to say so grab a nice hot cuppa somethin and chillax....
the other night Diane and i had some beers, sat outside in the yard and had a little fire pit going. try to imagine a cool, clear nite with a soft blowing breeze.... the stars were out, and it was so peaceful watching the fire, stoking it when needed, gazing at the beautiful prairie sky with the sound of the crickets and frogs and the pool water filter softly bubbling in the background. [and the little violin playing above my left shoulder] if there is such a thing as perfection, that was one example. she was SO romantic. she said the sweetest things about how much she loved me and how she thought i was the most loving, funny, kind person in the whole world.... and she felt like the luckiest person to be with me..... awwww, i know..... i lerve her. and i ditto everything she said. Bella was snuggled up with us the whole time as well. nights like that which are spontaneous and turn out to be perfect, do not happen often enough.
my son Alex came out for awhile and visited with us. we had a nice talk with him about his hopes and dreams..... all 4 of my kids are good company to be with. then he went in to go to bed, and the wife and i and Bella stayed out until 3 a.m. watching the embers fade, flare up here and there, then fade again until finally they went to sleep too.
on another note, i was thinking the other day about the people i work with... the few women that i have a distaste for because they have stabbed me in the back and really hurt me. i feel badly that i dislike them. when we have worked together in the past, we had so much fun. they were likable and funny. we had many a deep talk together about various things in life and at one point i even felt close to them, and believed we were friends. i felt SO betrayed when i learned what they had said about me behind my back and how they go running to the boss every chance they get to inform her of something i didn't do the way they thought it should be done. i want SO badly to just be able to like them and consider them to be part of my circle of friends. yet i can not as they are hypocritical mean gossipy little bitches.
WHY does it have to be that way? i know it happens everywhere, i just don't understand how we get along so well when we work together yet they are the first ones to talk about me behind my back. so i have anger at them because i feel it is their fault i do not like them and we are not friends. what a waste it is. it doesn't have to be like that. they choose to be bitches..... and hurt people.
last night Diane and i attended a wedding for 2 friends i have worked with. it was so touching, so beautiful and we had so much fun! at the reception, the day shift nurses sat at one table with our boss, and us night folk sat at another. that is a very good example of how it is at work. the day crew is very different from the night crew. and never the twain shall meet.... it was totally segregated! and several of the nurses i referred to in the prior paragraph, were there. i could feel the glare, like little knives into my skin. so after 6 strawberry margaritas i made a decision. Diane and i were together and i was fed up of hiding our relationship so i totally came out to everyone! Diane spent the night being very affectionate... with her arm around me, holding my hand, we even slow danced. it was SO FUCKING FREEING to just be US. and i KNOW for a fact by the look on their faces the day shift girls were just in shock and i can only imagine what they were whispering.. but i didn't care last night and i still don't now. life is too short to not be your true self, to not share your happiness, and i will not hide mine any longer. my friends were like "well it's about time, and fuck them if they don't like it."
ohmygod..... it's moi
at some point last night i felt as if we were all one kind there at the reception... [or was it the booze] just people being happy to celebrate, dance, sing, drink, and eat.... there was no "us" and "them" [pink floyd moment] in my mind any longer and it was a very nice feeling. simple. freeing. honest. that is my "revenge" to them for making me dislike them when i don't want to. so there, bitches, put that in your panties and run with it....
my youngest son is a senior this year. i am having a very difficult time accepting and letting go. i miss him and he is not even gone. i miss them all. i am afraid i will be one of those parents who never get over losing my kids to life in general. it is passing much too fast. and i am not ready to let go. i know its part of life, and i really DO want them to go and have their own lives.... yet at the same time my heart is screaming NOOOOOOO. such a conflict for a lil lesbian mama such as myself..
speaking of sex, i love my new car. i have really been enjoying driving it. we fit well together. i can crank up the driver seat and sit waaaaaaaaay taller than i did in the caddy. makes me feel like a big girl now. i bought a lil crystal round ball to hang from the rear view mirror which in the day time should fill the car with an explosion of beautiful different colors much like the rainbow in those skittle commercials....
[BTW, who invented hanging things from that anyways, and why?]
i want to invent something. i would like to leave a legacy when i depart this wonderful planet. but, my dilemma is, ....uh oh.... intellectual flatulence again..... DUCK! or it'll slap ya right in the face and you too, shall become mindless.
OK, so do you ever wonder where we go from here? yes, i mean when we die. i know of the thousands of religious beliefs we have and i respect them all... [well, 'cept for satanism, i don't like that, it scares me it does.] but i mean have you ever thought about where we actually go, for real? part of me believes in heaven, but maybe not quite like the big buffet it's portrayed to be in the bible, where a place has been set for me and i shall never want again.... because seriously, i lerve to eat but if that is all there is, i will tire of it eventually. eternity is such a long time. part of me also believes in reincarnation. but not as a bug or a plant or a rock. i feel like we keep coming back as souls needing to learn to love on a higher level. and until we attain that perfect level, we keep getting sent back here to redo our short comings much like a kid who fails the first grade and gets held back...ya know? then another part of me [I'm a big gal so i have lots of parts] believes we arrive into another realm of reality, another plane in a future time.... maybe even in a different physical form but our same soul cuz i am me and you are you and nuttin can change that. do i sound a lil cRaZy cuz i feel like i do but these are things i am pondering at the moment and if i have to suffer through them so should you. [kiddin. if you don't wanna suffer wit moi, just don't read this]. i guess none of us will ever know for sure until we leave this life for whatever comes next. what i DO know is this is not the end. when i die, and i think even i will some day, we go on in some form to a better place than here. because i know many of you and myself included have made a vow with a dieing relative or friend to come back and let us know how it is once they leave here, and being that no one has ever heard from anyone, i take it to be that it is SO great in the next place, they don't wanna come back, even though they love us, they just cant be bothered.
which brings me to my last topic. which unfortunately i have now forgotten. geeeeeeeeeez i am gassy tonight.... how gassy am i, you ask? well, with all the brain farts i have had lately, my ears burn, my nostrils had all the hairs burnt out of them, my eyes were blue now they're brown, AND, and.... erm, shit, i forgot where i was going with this...
see what i mean, Vern?