"...wE mUst bE thE chAnGe wE wiSh tO sEE iN thE wOrld..." K.G.

5/03/2009

for Rob


My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- ---
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds. 'I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- ---
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...
--------------------- --------- ---
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- ---
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' Yes, I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since. 'My wife said, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- ---
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- ---
My wife is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment. 'The husband replies, 'Well! Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
------------ --------- --------- ---
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started....
------------ --------- --------- ---
My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday
and then the fight started.....
----------- --------- --------- ---
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap, That must be my husband!' So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked he jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!' The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And then the fight started.....
----------- - --------- --------- ---
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, got the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out to a torrential down pour.The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And then the fight started ....
------------ --------- --------- ---
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And then the fight started....

[copied from verbicidal tendencies]
crp

5 comments:

ChiTown Girl said...

OMG! These had me laughing out loud! Thanks I needed that!!

King of New York Hacks said...

HAHA Those were great, and I'll be stealing a few and emailing them to the appropriate people !! LOL

Thanks for the well wishes for my family C, and I would LOVE to do that taxi cab confession stuff, maybe one day. I am working on something for the blog in a similar tone though, so stay tuned. Thanks for the laughs today , I needed them !

--Edward

Old Crone said...

I just snorted my Diet Coke...too funny!

greg said...

Very funny - especially the picture

Technodoll said...

I needed to bust a gut laughing!! Thanks C, you never let me down :-D