"...wE mUst bE thE chAnGe wE wiSh tO sEE iN thE wOrld..." K.G.


today my son Alexander is 18 years old. i just cannot believe how time has flown by. my heart was already full of love for my Nicholas and Emily, 25 years ago... then god blessed me with Alex & Christopher. and my full heart then just overflowed. i was given so much more than i ever dreamed possible, with my children.

David and i had lost 2 pregnancies together. the first, when i was only 14 years old. i don't talk about this much because it's something deeply painful.... but here it is. David and i met when i was 13 and he was 17. i got pregnant when i was 14. he was a senior, scared shit less, threatened by my father to be arrested, and enlisted in the navy. my mother, who controlled everything, said i would die if i gave birth. [i was so naive that i didn't even realise what being pregnant was] [honestly]. so she called my father and he came to upstate new york where we lived. together they met with David's parents and he and i were not allowed to be at the meeting as they decided my fate... the 4 decided it was best that i was not going to have the baby. Dave and i were forbidden to see each other. i had no clue what the fuck was going to happen because of course it was never explained to me.

David left for the navy. the next thing i knew, i was taken to the hospital over night for a procedure. they put me to sleep and i went to surgery. woke up in my hospital room and desperately searched for David's pictures i had brought with me for comfort. my mother had thrown them away, and informed me she also burned all the notes and memorabilia i had from him, while i was in the hospital... as i was never to see him again. no one explained what the procedure i had, was. [it wasn't until years later when i was trying to get pregnant that i realised what happened].

i went home that day and took a nap. suddenly, abdominal pain woke me up. it came and went, but took my breath away each time. i yelled for my mother but no one was home. i sat on my bed so scared as i didn't know what was happening..... i felt like i had to use the restroom. i was so scared. i sat on the toilet, still yelling for anyone to come help me, when i felt another sharp pain and then something fell into the toilet. i looked and it was my 3 month old baby. dead. i picked it up in horror and screamed for the longest time. no one came. i prayed and sobbed and screamed for my baby. this was my baby i was holding in my palm. there are no words to describe my horror that day. desperate for something to place it in, i couldn't find anything. it had little eyes and hands and feet. after what seemed like the longest time, i asked god to forgive me and flushed it down the toilet. i didn't know what else to do.

that was in July 1970. abortion wasn't even legal in the states, yet years later i discovered the doctor had injected my uterus with saline solution and chemically burned my baby to abort it. i have never gotten over that.
i grieved so deeply.... and no one was there to help me, or explain to me. my mother never knew what happened in the house while she was gone.
i became deeply depressed. i don't know how i made it through high school.

by 1973, David and i had reconciled and gotten back together. we married in Oct. 1973. he cried when i told him about our baby and how it all happened. a year after we were married, i was pregnant again. we were ecstatic. my family Dr. confirmed it, but sent me to an OB specialist as i had a heart murmur. he examined me and said he saw no signs that i had even been pregnant so he gave me some hormones to start my period. i took 3 months worth and still no period. he put me in the hospital and performed a D&C. he came into my room afterwards, [with David at my side], and informed us that he had found & removed the remains of a 3 month old fetus that the hormones clearly had destroyed. he said "I'm sorry" and walked out. we were devastated. and too stupid and naive to sue the fucker. we didn't know we had rights.

we couldn't get pregnant again. after 11 years trying and seeking infertility work ups, we opted for adoption, and met our precious son and daughter. being their parents took most of our pain and turned it into joy. we were blessed. years later, our marriage began to fall apart for various reasons. David was leaving us, then i discovered i was pregnant with Alex. after he was born, we had sex one more time and made Christopher. David's words to me were "you're a fucking thorn in my side."

i have always believed that god gave us back what was taken, twofold. but do you think after all we had been through, that bastard David would have been thrilled beyond words, for the gifts we were given? fuck no. he left after Alex was born. he has not initiated any relationship with Christopher, and a minimal one with Alex. the worst part of our divorce was all the history we had together, and after all the pain of losing 2 babies and trying so hard to become parents, the fact that i was finally pregnant did not mean anything to him. i can forgive him for leaving me, but i can not forgive him for abandoning his 4 children. SPECIALLY not after what we had been through to have them. my dreams were shattered.

whoa, i got waaaaay off my topic. but i wanted to explain what i meant about truly appreciating my 4 children. they are all 4 miracles that have given me the most joy and happiness i could ever know in this life time. they have grown up in the wink of an eye, even though i knew they would and treasured every day with them. i remember rocking them as babies thinking about how one day they will be grown and gone. and i would cry my eyes out for when the day came. today, Alex is 18, will graduate high school in May, and no longer be my little boy, just as Nicholas and Emily have done. in one year my youngest will do so as well.

i guess i am having a hard time tonight, with this. a good cry, a hot cup of tea, and a sleeping pill will do the trick. maybe the bailey's would work better....



Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Technodoll said...

Anon, is your name David? That's the only explanation for being such a giant turd. Fuck off and get a life yourself, will ya.


Your kids will always be there for you and with you, no matter if they leave the nest. Love carries far and wide when it's for real.

I don't think having a baby at 13 is right for physical health and emotional reasons but the way the abortion happened was utterly horrific - wtf was wrong with parents back then?!

But you survived, and here you are... Thanks for sharing this part of yourself with us.


greg said...

An amazing post from an amazing woman. Thank you for sharing this story and for being so brave. It is truly inspiring. So many tight hugs from me to you.

Busy Bee Suz said...

I am floored at what you have endured. I just can't imagine the things that have happened to you...and you have brought up these 4 wonderful kids, mostly on your own.
David is an ass....he does not deserve you or the kids. He must be miserable.
Take care.....Suz

jo.irish.rose said...

to the person with no spine named ANONYMOUS, i guess you can say all this because you have no name or face. i would be brave too. my sister did endure a lot. i was there, and yes, she is quite a broad, and yes, thank you, she has a wonderful life, so why don't you leave and go get one for yourself? and while your at it, get a name and face next time your so critical or even better: JUST STOP IT!!

ChiTown Girl said...

Anon - go fuck yourself. For someone who thinks she's full of shit, what the fuck are you doing here reading, you fucking assbag? Take Jo's advice, and get a fucking life.

C, I had to stop reading this after the first few lines because it was just too painful. I needed to regroup and come back.

I can not imagine enduring what you've gone through. I have lost 3 babies (two before Stud, one after) but they were lost through miscarriage, not murder. I'm so, so sorry. I wouldn't wish my pain and heartache on anyone, but I know what happened to you was even worse. I don't even know what else to say about it.

David turned out to be quite the douchbag, huh? He lost out, though, because he has no relationship with your awesome kids. Too bad, so sad. His loss. Your kids are blessed to have such a wonderful mother. Love you, my friend!

otin said...

I think anons parents should have had that meeting! Who would make this up? For every tragedy there is a triumph!

C said...

thanks you guys for your understanding and support. i love all of you, my friends....
and who the fuck is annon? i am going to delete that douchebag now. it cant be david cuz he doesnt know i blog, i bet he doesnt even know what a blog is.
but who ever you are, you fucktard... go away.

cheech, and any of you who have had miscarriages [spell?] i am very sorry, it's never easy. not even when youre too young, too naive, and helpless. i DO consider my two babies were murdered and i used to blame myself but now i know better. it wasnt my choices.
thanks for listening.
and toone, merci pour le stickup pour moi.


Clippy Mat said...

hey chris:
i read this yesterday but couldn't find the right words to leave in a comment. so i came back today and am still a bit speechless. i so admire your honesty and how you are able to reveal the inner part of yourself. i am sad that these bad things happened to you. they were horrible and you did nothing to deserve them.
but i can't help being happy that you are making such a good job of being a parent to your kids. you put so much effort into their lives.
you are inspiring.
pat/clippy :-)

C said...

thank you everyone for the kind words. it means alot to me.


Hit 40 said...

Otin linked me over to your post. What a sad story. Do you talk to your parents? I do not think I could.

C said...

my dad died nov 1982, my mother died jan 1989.

if they were both here, i dunno how i would be with them.

thanks for visiting.