i am in a FuNkY mood, have been for the past week. i have alot to say on here yet the words just aren't flowing. yesterday it was cold out. today it will most likely reach 70. Diane and i are going out of town to a "moms night out" party at a close friend of ours house. we need to leave in 4 hours. i need to pack and shower and get ready, yet i am online, mindlessly browsing through blogs. WTF am i doing? i cant get moving. i feel like i am out of sorts. my body is having flashbacks from a previous painful time in my life. my soul is stagnant, not knowing what to be doing. our windows are all open, and the birds are chirping. it couldn't be a prettier day out there. WTF is wrong with me.... i have been here before..
unable to move basically, as my body has lonely memories from a time i never want to revisit again. i wont. yet, here it is... the feelings, the fucking feelings that repeatedly haunt me when the weather is just right. like today... it remembers. it always remembers. lonely afternoons of walking around in the projects, when i was little... no direction, no hope.. didn't care what happened to me... filled with anger to the point of daring someone to come hurt me... no friends.. no company what so ever.. just me, alone.... i feel that spring feeling today. crippling me even though i have hope today, and i have people who love me... i gotta get outta this funk. body memories-go away. bad memories BEGONE. Saturdays and Sundays..... very lonely days for a little girl who just got molested..... the numbness permeates every part of me. the loss of direction because i am numb. go ahead, someone walk up to me and hurt me... see if you can... i am already dead inside... i DARE you to try to hurt me...