"...wE mUst bE thE chAnGe wE wiSh tO sEE iN thE wOrld..." K.G.

3/21/2009

i am in a FuNkY mood, have been for the past week. i have alot to say on here yet the words just aren't flowing. yesterday it was cold out. today it will most likely reach 70. Diane and i are going out of town to a "moms night out" party at a close friend of ours house. we need to leave in 4 hours. i need to pack and shower and get ready, yet i am online, mindlessly browsing through blogs. WTF am i doing? i cant get moving. i feel like i am out of sorts. my body is having flashbacks from a previous painful time in my life. my soul is stagnant, not knowing what to be doing. our windows are all open, and the birds are chirping. it couldn't be a prettier day out there. WTF is wrong with me.... i have been here before..
unable to move basically, as my body has lonely memories from a time i never want to revisit again. i wont. yet, here it is... the feelings, the fucking feelings that repeatedly haunt me when the weather is just right. like today... it remembers. it always remembers. lonely afternoons of walking around in the projects, when i was little... no direction, no hope.. didn't care what happened to me... filled with anger to the point of daring someone to come hurt me... no friends.. no company what so ever.. just me, alone.... i feel that spring feeling today. crippling me even though i have hope today, and i have people who love me... i gotta get outta this funk. body memories-go away. bad memories BEGONE. Saturdays and Sundays..... very lonely days for a little girl who just got molested..... the numbness permeates every part of me. the loss of direction because i am numb. go ahead, someone walk up to me and hurt me... see if you can... i am already dead inside... i DARE you to try to hurt me...
more.
crp

10 comments:

jo.irish.rose said...

pope stite crotte, i would take this from you if i could. i wish it would just leave and never visit you again! blast that memory thing! but at the same time, we would be taking with it all those things dear to you also...nicnacs first words, emmy's first steps, alex's belly laughs, christopher playing instruments and speaking so cutely in french. all our memories are tied together. we have to decide which ones can stay and which ones go. don't let them dictate to you what kind of day you will have. then they have the power over you. YOU are in control over your mind and what you remember. only you and God can fix that, toone. He can take all that is bad and remove it. all the stuff that happened to me, it is still there, i just dont focus on it. i look for something good. like what i can do for others. in doing that, you take the focus off (and your mind, also) and your doing something to keep your direction going positively instead of in a downward spiral. it is something i had to figure out on my own. i didnt go to counseling or anything. i just knew that if i just did something else, if i forced myself to move in another direction, i wouldnt see rene or claude or that rapist keith in my mind. even though it all is there...they cant hurt me anymore. yes they DID at one time, but i'm on this side now, and i'm better and stronger for it and you are too. he can't ever touch you again. EVER!! the memories are there but they will only damage what you let them. DONT LET THEM RUIN ANY MORE!! i love you my stite toone. muah, {{{huggies}}}

C said...

thanks toone. there are days that cripple me, its this time of year that is the worst..... that was on sat. now its sunday night and i am better.
is choux dere? and moomoo?
when are ya moovin?

moi

DysFUNctional Mom said...

It's sad that such a beautiful time, brings back such sad memories for you.

Busy Bee Suz said...

My heart breaks for you...these bad memories just can't leave can they? I hope when you got out w/ Diane and were on your way to visit friends that your body felt better feelings...love, friendship and fun.
Take care, suz

ChiTown Girl said...

My sweet friend, I wish there was something, anything, I could do to ease your pain. All I can do is keep you in my prayers and send you cyberhugs {{{hugs}}} I hope you and Diane had a great Mom's Night Out. You needed it.

otin said...

Sometimes I live in the past, whether it is good times or hurtful times, but then I try to see that it is the past, you can never have it back again, and with some experiences, that is a good thing. Every second of every minute of everyday is the start of the rest of your life, don't use those minutes to remember sorrow, because you are just adding more sorrow to your new life.

Crazy Mo said...

I have the same memories. I still have nightmares. A very good therapist told me once that it's ok to be angry. It's also ok to not forgive. That was hard, being raised as a Catholic. But once I acknowledged and accepted the fact that I didn't need to forgive, that it was ok to be angry, I was actually able to let go a little. It helped a lot. I'm making progress. You will too.

Technodoll said...

Oh dear, doesn't sound like a good day at all...

BUT!

You have the power to cut the rope to your past, to reject the power you let it still have over you all these years later.

One life to live, and it's a beautiful one. Just grab that steering wheel, girl - nobody else will do it for you - and step on that Gas! :-)

C said...

thanks everyone for the support. some days just suck.

C

Clippy Mat said...

that poor little girl. hurt and alone and scared and sad. once a hypnotist made me speak to the little girl that i was telling her about, me, aged about 6. it helped.
try it.
hugs :-))