"...wE mUst bE thE chAnGe wE wiSh tO sEE iN thE wOrld..." K.G.

2/07/2009

our new home...

i have had a very awful terrible fucked up shit tard of a bad day. i have done everything i am supposed to be doing, for my work situation. i am doing everything workman's comp is telling me to do. yet, guess how much my check was for two weeks pay, today...? $450.00. when I'm used to making 4 times that. how the fuck are the kids, Diane, and i going to live on that, for 2 weeks. there isn't even enough to pay my bills. i am like, totally depressed.... totally discouraged and having my own little pity party tonight. been crying on and off all day. i don't feel well, my shoulder is killing me, my daughter STILL hasn't called me, and i don't even know if i will have a job when all is said and done. the company i work for is having huge layoffs. supposed to be middle management people, but it wont take long to start laying off the nurses, as well. i feel helpless, as i cant go out and apply for any new jobs with my gimpy arm. basically, i have to wait until i am all healed up the best that i can be, whenever the fuck that is, and go from there. i am always telling people that everything happens for a reason when they go through difficult times, cuz i do truly believe that. but why cant i warm myself in my own advice? cuz i cant. i feel panicky, insecure, unsure of everything, and scared. i don't think any one understands it unless they go through it. i just feel SO fucked in every aspect of my life. ya know? and i don't want pity. i just want my fear to subside and i just want to be strong enough to rely on my faith, as i have done so many times in the past. you have no idea what i have been through, with my kids... i survived very difficult situations, and we made it on very little money. i had inner strength then, i had faith, and i was determined. where are those attributes now when i need them? yeah i know, it's always darkest before the dawn... and all that shit. but how does having faith right now going to change my situation? i have NOTHING to give right now. to anybody. not even to myself. i am spent. there's nothing in the way of energy right now, coming out of my body.... nada, zilch, zip... nuttin honey. where's my family in all this? well, frankly there is only one who could help if she wanted to. (the one sister that lives here, in Omaha). our parents are gone. 2 of my siblings really aren't in any position to help, bless them. they are the ones with a heart of gold, so if they could, they would. i however do remember a time long ago, when David and i were married, had no kids. we were like parents to each of my siblings. they all took turns living with us, and we helped them get set up in their own apartments, bought them groceries, gave money, whatever was needed. and its not like we were rich. we went into debt to help them, because i felt obligated, i was and STILL am the oldest.... (imagine that). and i couldn't bear to see them go through hard times. we even gave my brother a car once. we were the rock of the family, then. now I'm just a fucking island, and it's sinking fast. isn't there a song like that? oh great, i have totally gone from hysterical crying to laughing my fucking ass off.... over what? i dunno. but its just so fucking funny...... hang on whilst i compose myself..... a lil Beethoven, maybe? hahahahahaha
OK, i think I'm done laughing. shit, I'm not hahahahahahahahahaha
see just how emotional i am tonight.. I'm like a roller coaster of emotion. I'm the pendulum of mood swings. a fucking parrot hanging by one foot in my bird cage, and swangin' hahahahahahaha all the while singing "nobody knows... the troubles I've seen...." yadda yadda yadda.... blah blah blah... "Polly wants sum money....Polly wants sum money"
shit, i crack myself up sometimes. somebody has to. well, now that i have succeeded in making all of you miserable with my woes and hoes hahahaha i will try to find a picture to go with this shit. not to worry, you guys, I'll be alright, even if i have to die trying.
that's supposed to be funny.
i don't hear ya laughing.
fuck off, then.

here's a lil ditty;
poem for the poor;

(bear with me as I'm composing as i go)..

"we ain't got no money, honey-
but that don't worry me none...
its so sad, and it ain't funny-
how 4 can live cheap as one...
we'll get that box down on Broadway-
we'll fix her up real good...
we'll put the car in a box garage-
cuz its a really bad neighborhood....
we'll live off our love and laughter-
we'll die a slow death for sure...
then we'll win the fucking lotto-
and wont have to be hoes no mo..
"movin on up", will be our motto-
you can stop doin' truckers on Broadway...
no mo hand jobs for ten bucks a shot-
I'll give those bad boys a good view...
of the pussy and tits that I've got-
then we'll sell the garage and condo-box...
pack our stuff and get the fuck out-
we'll reminisce about the old days...
drink wine, eat well, and smoke pot.'

cRp


come on, kids, it's time for bed...

8 comments:

kimber p said...

omg......I am literally laughing with a tear running down my face at your song!

I can't say anything encouraging, cuz you already said it all and then some, THIS TOO SHALL PASS. Is all I can give you..... take care :) You know we all care for you out here in your little following :)

ChiTown Girl said...

Aw, sugar, I'm so sorry!! The whole situation really sucks ass, but I know you're strong and you'll figure out how to get through this. In the meantime, I'm sending you lots and lots of bloggy love!! xoxoxo {{{hugs}}}

Clippy Mat said...

bliddy hell C. the fickle finger of fate is giving you a thumping right now. don't know what to tell you.....
just keep on venting and then laughing and don't let go...
it will work out.
something good will happen.
karma will kick in because you've helped others.
i believe that.
:-))

C said...

thank you guys.

C

greg said...

I'm so sorry that you're going through all this. big hugs to you.

Technodoll said...

Oh dear, this is just so terrible and unfair :-( I too would be livid and hysterically ranting.

I wish I won the lottery to help everyone I knew that needed a little push.

I hope your arm gets better soon so that your life gets back to normal...

(hugs)

jo.irish.rose said...

toone, although the box is a bland brown, i think you could decorate it, put stickers on it, maybe rub your coffee grounds, (very eco friendly and organic) and a nice color too, for a nice mocha color. then...lets see, you might run some of your christmas lights from last year around it to read by, since you probably wont have room for lamps. hmmm...and for pics, geez, i would just glue them, cuz the frames would probably cave the whole walls in, dont you think? now for furniture....you could use cement bricks, cuz you could stack them, and make them into anything you want...shoot, you could paint them too. make book shelve and stuff...you wouldnt need to worry about your food, especially now, its cold enough now to keep everything cold, and i know di could build a nice fire in the trash can to keep you all warm. the boys could go round up wood from surrounding areas. that part is easy enough. plenty of trees and such for bathrooms. so see? when things start looking down, all you have to do is look around and things start to perk up, all over the place there is stuff for you. and like you said. if you drive on over to the truckers area, there is plenty of work there. always a place for a gal to lend a hand. LOL but i wouldnt worry though, it looks like your doing real good there. that first box, it looks really BIIIGGG! if you get one of them refrigerator ones, now there is a condo of boxes. that one will sleep 6-8!! lol

i love you toone, this was all in fun, and i am praying for you and i will call you when i can. k? love, jo

random moments said...

I am DYING over here C!!! At first I'm freaking out for you, and then wishing your family could reach out to help and then BAM there you go with your little poem and I've got tears in my eyes from laughing. And I think the photo was the perfect finishing touch!!