quebec city, canada

today is nearly over, and so goes the 20 year anniversary of my mothers death, as posted earlier. i did think about her alot today. its funny how as time passes, you remember things a little differently than you may have say 10 years ago, and then differently from the original memory. is that what time is supposed to do, as years pass by, to allow us to heal? maybe.
when i look back in retrospect of my entire life, i wish i knew then, what i know now, yet that's impossible to do as living life is how you gain that wisdom. i had a pretty bad childhood, my dad left us when i was 4, and my mother never worked or had a career. we grew up on welfare. that resulted in her living solely for us 4 kids. consequently, we were who she took all of her frustrations, anger, loss, and bitterness out on. i, being the oldest, got the brunt of it. we all became who she needed us to be, to please her and gain her approval, (which ironically we never did get) rather than be encouraged to find our own independence and discover who we were as young adults. consequently, as each one of us grew up and left home, we did not know who we were, had no self confidence, were filled with inappropriate shame, and were the result of physical, sexual, and verbal abuse. for a long time after she died, i grieved for her, then i became angry and hated her. i spent many years in therapy dealing with many issues. i carried blame and bitterness for her, for all of my faults and dysfunctions. it nearly ate me alive. i didn't want to pass any of it on to my kids. so i had to give it back. i needed to let it all go. i don't know if i have truly forgiven her, but now i do realise she did the best she could with what she had and knew. i truly believe when we meet god, only then do we realise what we have done to others, and feel the pain we inflicted, both knowingly and unknowingly. i don't see it as a punishment, rather a chance for the soul to see things from the big picture, compared to what we thought we saw and knew in the moment with our limited vision. i think this is the first year since her death, that i can feel compassion towards her, and maybe forgiveness. i don't miss her the way she was, i actually long for the mother she should and could have been, had she not had her own issues and pain from her past..... had she not been filled with shame herself for emotional wounds which were never confronted, felt, and healed from. she simply didn't know how. and i don't think she realised what she did to us, as a result.
my mother died in a bitter state of mind, and alone. she cried on a daily basis when she was still conscience, for her loneliness, regrets, shortcomings, pain, and for never feeling worthy, significant, or loved by others nor for herself. she really never lived. she only existed, for us.
she pushed me away when i tried to hug her, growing up. i couldn't say to her face that i loved her, as she kept us all at a distance. i used to leave her little notes in her clothes drawers, and hope she would find them, but she never acknowledged that she did. tonight i truly wish i could have taken those burdens from her. she was my mother. and i grieve on yet another level, for her. as i said earlier, i wish i knew then what i know now. maybe i could have helped her heal.
i miss you, mom. i hope you are in a place filled with love and peace. i pray you forgive yourself for everything that happened, you didn't know any different.

CRP