"...wE mUst bE thE chAnGe wE wiSh tO sEE iN thE wOrld..." K.G.

1/26/2009

quebec city, canada

today is nearly over, and so goes the 20 year anniversary of my mothers death, as posted earlier. i did think about her alot today. its funny how as time passes, you remember things a little differently than you may have say 10 years ago, and then differently from the original memory. is that what time is supposed to do, as years pass by, to allow us to heal? maybe.
when i look back in retrospect of my entire life, i wish i knew then, what i know now, yet that's impossible to do as living life is how you gain that wisdom. i had a pretty bad childhood, my dad left us when i was 4, and my mother never worked or had a career. we grew up on welfare. that resulted in her living solely for us 4 kids. consequently, we were who she took all of her frustrations, anger, loss, and bitterness out on. i, being the oldest, got the brunt of it. we all became who she needed us to be, to please her and gain her approval, (which ironically we never did get) rather than be encouraged to find our own independence and discover who we were as young adults. consequently, as each one of us grew up and left home, we did not know who we were, had no self confidence, were filled with inappropriate shame, and were the result of physical, sexual, and verbal abuse. for a long time after she died, i grieved for her, then i became angry and hated her. i spent many years in therapy dealing with many issues. i carried blame and bitterness for her, for all of my faults and dysfunctions. it nearly ate me alive. i didn't want to pass any of it on to my kids. so i had to give it back. i needed to let it all go. i don't know if i have truly forgiven her, but now i do realise she did the best she could with what she had and knew. i truly believe when we meet god, only then do we realise what we have done to others, and feel the pain we inflicted, both knowingly and unknowingly. i don't see it as a punishment, rather a chance for the soul to see things from the big picture, compared to what we thought we saw and knew in the moment with our limited vision. i think this is the first year since her death, that i can feel compassion towards her, and maybe forgiveness. i don't miss her the way she was, i actually long for the mother she should and could have been, had she not had her own issues and pain from her past..... had she not been filled with shame herself for emotional wounds which were never confronted, felt, and healed from. she simply didn't know how. and i don't think she realised what she did to us, as a result.
my mother died in a bitter state of mind, and alone. she cried on a daily basis when she was still conscience, for her loneliness, regrets, shortcomings, pain, and for never feeling worthy, significant, or loved by others nor for herself. she really never lived. she only existed, for us.
she pushed me away when i tried to hug her, growing up. i couldn't say to her face that i loved her, as she kept us all at a distance. i used to leave her little notes in her clothes drawers, and hope she would find them, but she never acknowledged that she did. tonight i truly wish i could have taken those burdens from her. she was my mother. and i grieve on yet another level, for her. as i said earlier, i wish i knew then what i know now. maybe i could have helped her heal.
i miss you, mom. i hope you are in a place filled with love and peace. i pray you forgive yourself for everything that happened, you didn't know any different.

CRP

7 comments:

Granny on the Web said...

Just to say how I admire you for exposing such sore pain. I hope it is therapeutic and you can lay it all to rest in peace.
Words are not enough in this blog and a real huge physical hug is trying to reach out to you from me.
My issues with my mother are trivial now compared to yours, I too can lay them to rest.
Love Granny (*!*)

C said...

hi granny, i tried to access your blog but it wont let me. is there something wrong with it?
thank you for the kind words and i did feel your hug! i feel i am more at peace concerning my mother, than i have ever been. time does heal. so does pondering the depths of one's soul, eh? maybe i wouldnt be the person i am, without her being the person she was. or maybe i am the person i am, despite the person she was.

have a great day and fix that bloody flippin blog, would yee....

;)

C

kimber p said...

C...not really sure what to say to help you feel better ..I have my own issues with my mom, and I've worked very hard thru my sons life to completely do the opposite with my own sons. I think it's worked because we have a very strong bond between us of honesty and love. I think the best we can do to heal our past is to make our present and future something that undoes the damage, even if a little bit at a time...

{{{{C}}}} take care today, ok? :)

Busy Bee Suz said...

Oh, this makes my heart just ache for you.
Apparently, your Mom had many issues...demons that she was trying (or ignoring) to cope with.
You know, she did what she thought she was to do...she did not know better, or else she would have DONE better. right? I think so.
The important lesson here is that you realize these things and you have not perpetuated this on to your children.
When we know better, we do better.
My thoughts are with you...I hope you find some peace.
Suz

random moments said...

Now that I've contained myself (not enough tissue on hand for that post ma dear!) I must say that you are amazingly brave to be able to speak about this out loud on your site. I imagine its part of the healing process, to let out the anger which eventually softens. The chain of a family's sorrows and guilt from their past is hard to break. Bravo to you for working so hard not to allow this to pass onto your children. I admire you!!!

Big hugs,

Jilly

Clippy Mat said...

dear C:
your mother for whatever her own reasons was not able to be the mother she could have been. that's sad. not your fault tho' and there's nothing that you could have done unfortunately to change her.
there's nothing more sad than a child searching to be loved.
in spite of that, you have become a loving, warm person with a big heart. your honesty and ability to share your heart with everyone is wonderful.
hugs to you :-))

C said...

awwwwww ~~~YOU*GUYS~~~ thanks so much for the kind words and support. it means alot to me. i guess because no one can see my face (i still have such shame) then it makes it easy to write how i feel on here. and yes, it IS healing to do so.

again, thank you!

C