"...wE mUst bE thE chAnGe wE wiSh tO sEE iN thE wOrld..." K.G.

1/06/2009

i am up late as usual. i just finished watching an old movie that made me cry way back when i first saw it, and again tonight. it brought up many feelings that I'd had when i was growing up, of being lonely, and unhappy. well i am no longer lonely or unhappy, but it still hurts to go down memory lane, ya know? my mother and i were never what i would call close. we were enmeshed, and i was everything she wanted and needed me to be. when she died in 1989, there wasn't any me there. i was totally empty, a blank. if it weren't for my kids and husband i wouldn't be here today. they were what kept me going in my struggle to find myself. but eventually in the process of that, my marriage fell apart. i was finally growing up, but i paid a very high price for doing so. i had to figure out who i was without my mother and husband, and what I needed to do to be happy. eventually i achieved that.
so here i am tonight, having some old painful feelings dance through my soul once more, trying to pull me back into that darkness. i cannot return there, as it will crush me. i am struggling to stay in the present. i have to figure this out by myself as no one can do that for me. i just want to send my pain out to the universe right now, and let God take it from me. but i have to let go of it first...... i tend to hold on tightly to such things as i have trust issues. anyone else out there ever go through shit like this?
CRP

6 comments:

Chloie said...

Been there, done that. One of the quotes I live by: Time heals all wounds, regardless of how you feel right now. Coincidentally, this is the theme of the post I just wrote.

King of New York Hacks said...

I too have suffered similar experiences and have those hidden demons arise though a movie or a book I have read. I lost my mother to cancer while I was engaged to a woman with two children, whom I spent 5 years with.

They were already my family as far as I was concerned, putting the kids to bed, I love you's etc... but I spent much time while my father suffered through alcoholism and eventually my engagement suffered an inevitable fate as I worked too much and wasn't around enough, to only find myself alone.

I blamed myself and others for many things although now I know I was quite wrong for beating myself up. I drank too much, quit my jobs and moved out of state. The healing process is TIME as said in the earlier post , and the best wisdom I can offer are two quotes that my mother who suffered with cancer for 20 years used to refer to.

"'To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.'"

When I did forgive others, AND then myself...Only then did I begin to grow again. Which leads me to this particular quote from the poem by William Wordsworth.

Splendor In The Grass

What though the radiance which was once so bright
Be now for ever taken from my sight,
Though nothing can bring back the hour
Of splendor in the grass, of glory in the flower
We will grieve not, rather find
Strength in what remains behind;

I know its not much , but its helped suppress my demons many times....and Trust, 2 quotes.

“If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I wouldn't follow. I'd be at the bottom to catch them when they fall.”

and...Remember, there are no mistakes, only lessons. Love yourself, trust your choices, and everything is possible.

You are never alone, remember that , I and many have been through the shit, and my hand is always extended for someone like you who is brave enough to acknowledge it, share it, and help others through it to. Sending Honks from NYC ,

Edward

C said...

chloie, thank you for the words of support. i know i am not alone in my shit. it really helps just to be validated, ya know?
edward, what can i say? your thoughts made me cry, and i love the quotes you wrote, i will remember them and let them comfort me. you are very sweet. thank you.
i guess those of us who have walked through the fire and survived, are stronger because of it. thank you for reminding me. sometimes i forget. and your quotes were beautiful. why is loving ourselves so difficult, i have no problems loving others. but man, i can kick my own ass and beat the crap out of myself, when the shame hits.

C

ChiTown Girl said...

Well, Edward already said all the good stuff ;-) so I'll just send you this {{{hugs}}}

C said...

thanks chichi.... erm, can i call ya chichi? i sorta like that ;)

C

random moments said...

Yes indeed hun. Just remember you aren't alone. And good things will come round your way, just keep your hopes high and your chin up. (Sorry if that sounded like a hallmark card.)