i am up late as usual. i just finished watching an old movie that made me cry way back when i first saw it, and again tonight. it brought up many feelings that I'd had when i was growing up, of being lonely, and unhappy. well i am no longer lonely or unhappy, but it still hurts to go down memory lane, ya know? my mother and i were never what i would call close. we were enmeshed, and i was everything she wanted and needed me to be. when she died in 1989, there wasn't any me there. i was totally empty, a blank. if it weren't for my kids and husband i wouldn't be here today. they were what kept me going in my struggle to find myself. but eventually in the process of that, my marriage fell apart. i was finally growing up, but i paid a very high price for doing so. i had to figure out who i was without my mother and husband, and what I needed to do to be happy. eventually i achieved that.
so here i am tonight, having some old painful feelings dance through my soul once more, trying to pull me back into that darkness. i cannot return there, as it will crush me. i am struggling to stay in the present. i have to figure this out by myself as no one can do that for me. i just want to send my pain out to the universe right now, and let God take it from me. but i have to let go of it first...... i tend to hold on tightly to such things as i have trust issues. anyone else out there ever go through shit like this?
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