"...wE mUst bE thE chAnGe wE wiSh tO sEE iN thE wOrld..." K.G.

1/26/2009

je t'aime, maman...

today is the 20 year anniversary of when my mother died. she had emphysema and suffered for years with it. she was also living in California with my youngest sister, Joanne... (after having lived with us for months, in her hospital bed and all of her equipment in our living room). i took Nicholas and Emily (our only children at the time) by Amtrak train to go visit her in California. (we live in Nebraska). i knew it would be the last time i saw her in this world. when i returned home from the trip, i was deeply grieving and decided to write her a letter clearing my heart, telling her i loved her, and asking her to forgive me for all the bad daughter things i ever did. i also told her i forgave her, for all the bad mommy things she did, as i didn't want her to pain over anything that occurred in our lives. (a whole other story). apparently when she received my letter, she became enraged at it, and told my sister she was disowning me. she wouldn't take my calls, or listen to any messages i sent to her via Joanne.
i was watching TV with Nicholas, and Emily was down for a nap. (our only kids at the time). we were watching his fave show, which was about 2 mannequins who come to life after the toy store closes. the main characters on this show never taught or spoke other languages as they did on sesame street... yet, suddenly i heard one say to the other "merci beaucoup pour tout tu a fait" which is french for " thank you very much for all you have done for me". (my mother was Canadian, and always spoke in french to us, we are all bilingual) at the exact same time i heard that, it felt like someone was holding my shoulders down in the recliner and i couldn't move. i also became lightheaded, short of breath, and felt as though someone or something passed thru my soul, kinda tingly, kinda whooshy, kinda spiritual. my hearing faded out a bit as if i were going to pass out... then just as suddenly as it came, it was gone. it must have lasted only seconds but to me it was somehow in
slow motion that seemed like minutes.
i sat there in bewilderment. i was contemplating
what had just occurred. i asked Nicholas,
who was laying on the floor in front of me, if
he heard those guys on TV speak french,
to which he replied "no."
i didn't understand what had happened.
about 5 minutes later, my sister called me from California to inform me our mother had died about 10 minutes ago. i told her what happened and we worked out the timeline to precisely
match my experience and the moment she died.
i have always felt like that was her way of comforting me,
and letting me know she really didn't amputate me.
so today, i will think of her, and send her my love.... even if only in spirit.
20 years already...... wow.
has anyone else ever have such an experience?

CRP

8 comments:

lisa said...

That is an amazing experience and yes, I've had similar expereinces on this level.

This will be a very hard day for you, indeed -- Think only good thoughts of your Mom.

Clippy Mat said...

C
i've never had that actual experience as such. except one time i was in a restaurant a few years after my mother died. the lady at the next table struck me so much as being like my mother that i couldn't stop staring at her. so much so that as i left i blurted out why i was staring. she took my hand and put it against her face and with the same eyes as my mother looked right at me, so sweetly and said, there, your mother loves you. i felt like it was her. can't explain it, just totally calming and warm and loving.
sorry about your mother and your family issues. the pain they cause eh? we have to let it go. people make mistakes because of THEIR own pain don't they? we have to try not to repeat them ourselves, to end the cycle i suppose.
the most awful mistakes we inflict on each other are often made out of love, trying to be right, or do the right thing....i'm glad you found forgiveness for her...
hope today is good.
hugs.
:-)

greg said...

This was so moving. I wish you all the best today.

kimber p said...

I have had those feelings of an inner vortex, they're very weird feeling and you described it perfectly.
December 22nd marked the 17th year since my dad passed away from a brain tumor. The time flew and although the pain is gone, I still miss him with the same intensity as I always have. But I do know he's still here....
I wish you peace today :)

SkylersDad said...

I haven't had those feelings, but my sister has. I wish you peace and sending along hugs.

ChiTown Girl said...

Wow, C, that's some story. Made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. I glad you were able to feel at peace when she passed.

I've never had an experience like yours, but I very often feel like I'm getting messages from my loved ones that have passed. A certain song will play on the radio, for example, when I'm thinking of someone. There's also a certain thing that happens that makes me think of my grandpa, and I believe it's his little way of saying hello. (I think I may have blogged about the whole story, but it's too long to leave here.)

random moments said...

Oh wow C, I got chills!! My mother has had experiences like these. I haven't as of yet.

Its good that you were able to have that, I'm sure it has comforted you over the years.

((hugs))

C said...

1. clippy, after readingyour comment, i do believe in little miracles like that. how do you know it wasnt your mom... the eyes never lie. i really do believe if we are open to such things, our loved ones will make contact. not to scare us or harm us, just to let us know they are not really gone.
2.lisa, would love to hear about your experiences if you ever care to write about them. i have had a few others, too.
3. thank you so much for the support, greg, sky,and jill.
4. chichi, i do believe it could of been your grampa. the spirit never dies. there has to be ways they can reassure us, who love and miss them. but hey, this in NO way means i wanna start seeing ghosts and shit... lol. i would pee my pants with fright.
5.kimber, i'd also like to hear about your experiences if you ever wanna blog about them.


thank you EVERYBODY for your support and kind words of comfort, and all the hugs! back at each of you.

C