"...wE mUst bE thE chAnGe wE wiSh tO sEE iN thE wOrld..." K.G.


....i could just scream....

i am at odds with myself tonight.
i feel unsettled, do you ever get like that? and what do you do when and if you do? i hate this late night anxiety. i have so much going through my mind... yet i couldn't separate any of it out to tell you.
i might just sound like a rambling fool but here goes nuttin.
i miss the kids being little. i knew back then that it would all go by so fast so i savored every day with each of them. when i rocked them to sleep (which i did every night until they were too big to hold on my lap) i remember thinking that one day this will no longer be possible and i will miss it so i would close my eyes and try to memorize what it felt like, appreciating it, and dreading the time it would be gone. this is one of those times. tonight i really miss it. i see Alex going into his senior year now and Christopher not too far behind. i am already grieving losing them. it is so painful to me. i don't want it to be over already. i haven't had enough of them. it was so hard when Nicholas moved out, then Emily, and too soon it will be the boys too and i am not handling it well at all. Diane says its part of life for them to grow up and leave home and begin their lives. well of course i know this but it doesn't make it easier for me. i am grieving already. my heart is breaking tonight, as i sit up alone watching the Olympics, getting all emotional as each athlete wins, while thoughts of all this run through my mind. i just went to check on the boys like i always did when the 4 were little. Dave and i used to go check on the kids and watch them sleep. it was our nightly ritual. we would fill up with love we felt for them, and beam with pride and warmth. where does that intimacy go? how can you have it at one point and throw it all away? i realize as i am writing this that i still on some level grieve the loss of my marriage....what a fool i am... i am sure David never thinks of things like this or lets his heart break over old memories....
no matter how much i love Diane and am happy with her, every now and then i get very melancholy and miss what i once had with David and feel the rage that we should have stayed together after all we had been through.
i worry about what the kids will do when i am gone...i hope to have instilled enough love and hope in them to make a nice life for themselves. they take me for granted, you know, as all kids this age do. they go about their daily lives knowing i am here if they need me, yet don't really take much time to hang out probably thinking "oh i can see mom tomorrow.." yet one day i wont be here. and i don't want them to hurt about it. or feel guilty about not seeing me more. i understand how it is to thrive to get on with your life...and outgrow the need for your mom.
i don't like it but i understand that's how it should be.
when i was growing up, i could not tell my mother i loved her to her face. i don't know why, i think i was scared to. she was not open and approachable at all. she was one of my molesters. she was abusive in many ways. but she was all i had. and i used to ache for her. and my absent dad. i would cry so deeply to be in her arms and feel safe and loved. and it never NEVER happened. i hated her and loved her out of desperateness. she was all i had. a kid will cling to whatever they have in the form of a parent even if the parent is abusive, rather than be totally abandoned. do you know what i mean?
so i would ache as i said, to be able to show her my affection and love, yet couldn't. so i would cry my heart out like a lost little kid, and leave her little notes in her clothes drawer telling her my affections.... telling her i loved her. i would fantasize that she would find them and come find me, grab me in her arms and tell me she loved me and was proud of me... that she would keep me safe... but she never did. after a long time, like months, i would get the courage to ask her if she found my note in my shaky little voice and she would nod and that would be the end of it. no other recognition whatsoever.
see all the crap going on in my head? none of it goes together but its what i am feeling and thinking about right now.
when i packed the kids lunches for school when they were growing up, i would leave little love notes in them telling them how much i loved them and how proud i was of them... and it would make me happy to do that, yet it would hurt at the same time. they always appreciated it and we would hug when they got home. i tried so hard to be everything to them that my mother never was, to me.
i fucked up alot. but i always always went to them and apologized and explained myself, so they wouldn't take the blame. they always forgave me.
as they one by one grow up, move out and live their lives, i feel like i have lost them, even though in my head i know i haven't. and it hurts so deeply.
every time i go off to work all i really long to do is be here with them. i feel like time is running out. i don't have enough time left with them and sometimes like right now, i cannot bear the thought.
i don't know if i will even post this. i guess i just needed to write my thoughts out into the night, and send them out to the universe as only IT is big enough to encompass my pain.
i have been using food to deal with these late night anxiety attacks. meaning i stay up late and eat all night. that's my addiction, FOOD. all I'm doing is hurting myself and my health but this is how i have always coped.
it used to numb my feelings and carry me into the next day where i would have a different perspective. now it only makes me sick. i don't enjoy it. it doesn't taste good. but i do it anyway out of habit, and stupidity and need.
i need something really badly right now ... have no clue what it is.... how to get it.... or why i need it.
i look at some of my friends who never would understand what i am saying here, as they have never felt this way. i have tried in small ways to talk to them when i feel like this. they never seem to understand.
whats missing in me...? what does every body else possess that i never had?
will i EVER know what it is..... or is this my burden to bear for all i have done wrong?
is this my own hell?
right now, i don't know.
i don't have the answer.
only the questions.



Anonymous said...

Try to say these things to your friends.

Kerri said...

Chris, I'm sending a hug through cyberspace. Sounds like you needed one when you wrote this. My heart goes out to you. Remember, you're a very worthwhile person and precious in God's eyes. Hold fast to that and believe it!
Thanks for visiting and leaving a note. It's a pretty neck of the woods up where you come from. We're a little south of Utica.
The birds are fascinating to watch, aren't they?
I'm not voting for Ellen, although I think she'd be fun :)
I'm voting to NOT have my taxes raised, to keep our country safe from those who would do us harm, and to fight for the rights of the unborn, not to mention our Christian heritage (to name just a few issues). I want a government that works FOR the people...not the other way around. That's what our constitution says a government should be.
Probably more than you wanted to know, but since you asked...:)
We had the most glorious fall color this year. Sorry you missed it, but I'll post some photos soon. Hope that helps to make you feel a little less homesick.
I hope you're feeling less anxious today.

C said...

thanks for the support and encouraging words, kerri. i have added you to my blog roll. i'll be a lookin' fer dem dare pictures...