it's getting to the point where i can hardly watch the news anymore. i just heard about those 2 little girls shot dead on a country road a few weeks back, in Oklahoma, by someone who thought it would be fun for target practice. and tonight, the mother in Florida who killed her toddler and stuffed her in the trunk of her car for a month and never reported her missing.

... oh god there have been so many evil acts. what the fuck is wrong with people like that? don't they have any idea of the lives they are destroying or the repercussions of their actions? i cant turn on any news stations or go on the Internet or listen to the radio without hearing about devastating acts of violence going on everywhere in the world... car bombings- kidnappings-murders-torture-abuses of every kind........some in the name of god,

some for a cause, some for revenge, and some for no reason at all.

tonight for what ever reasons, i am not handling it well. i feel very distraught and hopeless for the future of my children and their children. there is such evil in this world, such evil. i try to understand but i cannot. my mind goes around in painful circles trying to make any sense of it. i cannot. there is no sense TO IT.

all i can think about the ones who are doing the murdering, torturing, and committing violent acts, is the fact that they were actually someone's newborn baby at one time. a sweet, innocent tiny newborn baby. what horror must have occurred in their developmental years to result in their ability to perform such acts, not have remorse, not believe they have done wrong, and not have any feelings about any of it?

i look at my babies pictures and cannot even fathom the thought of them growing up to become one of those people who could hurt another.

as a society, what are we to do with those who refuse to live by the law and human code of ethics? our jails are over flowing with people like that. we continue to feed them, care for them, give them privileges while the lives they destroyed are struggling to live through one more day. i don't understand. i am a Christian person and yet i don't think they deserve to live on, when the lives they have destroyed are unable to do so.

i cannot understand how as humans, we have arrived to this point. we were not born with these horrible abilities. what started it all? was it greed? jealousy? hunger for power? Satan? brainwashing at it's finest? no one is born that way. they are MADE to become that way, either by the acts of their caretakers, or that which their caretakers fail to do. the very people who are supposed to love and raise them properly and teach them right from wrong.

when i became a parent, i tried to just live in my little corner of life... my problems were as much as i could handle. my worries were all i could tolerate and still thrive to go on. i don't know if i have lost focus or if i am just being pessimistic, or if i am having a breakdown... but does any one out there feel the same? does anyone else find it all too much to bear? and if so, what are you doing to cope with it....

i innocently came across a blog last week of young boys posing in their underwear. my first thought was why are these little boys all in underwear, and then why do they appear to be posing in what i came to realize were implied seductive poses.... as i continued scrolling down the page it dawned on me that i had encountered a child pornography blog. i nearly vomited as my blood ran cold with fear and my heart was racing in disbelief.... i felt terribly frightened. i couldn't believe what was before me. as i looked into the background of the pictures, i saw they were mostly taken at very beautiful exotic beaches, some where. i could see tourists in the background. and i wanted to scream at them to notice what was happening right in front of them. the boys were all very thin, with their ribs showing, and a lost look in their eyes. i sat here at my computer and had nightmarish thoughts of these little boys having been kidnapped and made to do terrible sexual acts against their wills. they appeared to be between the ages of approx. 4 to 9. all i could think about was these boys' parents and families wondering where they were, wondering if they were even alive, and how horrible to not know. they HAD to have been kidnapped children. no parent in their right mind would consent to something such as this. and there were too many for it to have been an isolated case. no, this group of young boys were definitely made to perform and pose. the pictures became very graphic with images of oral and anal sex and i couldn't go on, i had to minimise it... i knew i had to report it. i had to do something. i flagged the blog, and i also inquired online for sites to report such things. i found one that was associated with the FBI and filled out the forms, and submitted them. i pray to god that some one investigates that site, finds the boys, and gets each one out safely. you hear about kiddie porn in the news and it makes you squirm with disgust, but to have it appear right before your eyes, brings the reality of it very close to home. it makes it real. it makes me sick. so many children gone missing. the nightly news is full of stories. i just wanna scream STTTTTTTTTTTTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPPPPPPPPP!

but no one will hear me. it wont make a difference. and it surely wont relieve the pain the parents are living in. i feel so helpless. it is really hard for me to continue believing that everything happens for a reason....at least tonight it is. have i lost hope in mankind? have i lost my faith? am i (god forbid) becoming accustomed to the various little holocausts that surround us in this world? i just don't fucking know anymore. i dream of everyone loving each other, being kind, honest, and respectful. why is that too much to hope for?

because that is not reality.

CRP