"...wE mUst bE thE chAnGe wE wiSh tO sEE iN thE wOrld..." K.G.


July 8, 2008

dear David,
today is your birthday and i can't help but feel sadness about that. 24 years ago, you received the greatest gift a man could ever hope to get- your first born son, Nicholas. we were so happy then, and i will never forget the father you were to him, in his young years. there was no other man that could have been a better father to him- you were simply the best. what happened to that man, Dave? where did he go? did he get lost in the complexities of life? did he just stop caring and trying? i know you would give your life for Nicholas, but knowing that, isn't enough when there are no actions to back it up. I'm talking about the every day things, like continuing to build your relationship with him. like being there for him. he was totally devastated when you left. he hid under his bed and cried for you. then, when the pain became too intense and nothing changed, he shut down emotionally. you sent a big part of his soul into hiding for fear of abandonment, rejection, and more pain. i was there day in and day out. i saw what you did to him and i understand it, as my father did the same to me. but you didn't live 1000's of miles away like mine did, you were still here close by. yet you stopped being his friend, his hero, his idol, his everything, his father. why? can you just tell me, why? he needed you Dave. he still did all the years growing up. you broke his heart, which is something you said you could and would never do, after you saw Larry having kids, getting divorced three times, and not being there for any of them. yet you have done the same. and it's worse because we adopted him, Dave. we grieved so long trying to have a baby.... we cried in despair together, wishing and praying for him... we fought so hard and long to get him. we cried with such joy the moment Mr. Van Oort called us to say we had a son. do you even remember that day i called you at work crying to say we had a son? close your eyes and remember the joy and elation, Dave.... let yourself warm in those feelings for just a while... nothing could have made us happier. you said he was your birthday present every year we were together. and you were there for him, you loved him, you payed attention to him, you embraced him whole hearted in every way. then you left. just up and left. you promised we would raise the kids together and remain friends for their sake. you told him you would always be there for him... that just because we were getting a divorce, it didn't mean you were divorcing him. he believed you, David. but you never came through with your promises. you let Sharon have the final say in how much time you were going to spend with him and the others, all because she didn't want you to see or speak with me. AND YOU LET HER. you let that fucking nobody of a bitch come between you and your son. your birthday present. it broke my heart to see what you did to our children by not being there for them. we both came from divorced families. we vowed never to do that to our kids, because we both knew the pain and repercussions of divorce. remember the pain you felt when your parents split up? you were in boot camp and nearly had a nervous break down over it. think back to that pain, Dave... because you instilled at least 100 times that much on your own children, when you left. we could have worked things out. i tried, really tried, begged, prayed, and bargained with god so you wouldn't leave. you did not put the children first. we could have worked out our own problems, for their sake. but you didn't. you wouldn't. and here it is your birthday again. i would love to believe in my heart that you and Nicholas and the others could all get together to celebrate your special day...but I'm afraid that wont happen. oh you might get a phone call from Nicholas, after all i raised him to be respectful, but it could be so much better Dave, if he opened up and showered you with all the love and affection he had for you when he was little. he, and Emily, and the boys. there wouldn't be a father in all of the world, more blessed to have all the love your 4 children would give you. but that's not gonna happen. all you get now is remnants of whats left of how they feel about the dad that wasn't there for them. they are respectful indeed. and they feel guilty if they don't at least call. is that enough for you? don't you want more than that? doesn't it break your heart, Dave? do you ever regret not being there for them, or have you become complacent with the whole father thing. i remember you told me several times when they were younger, that you were paying me to raise them. yes you paid child support all these years. but you weren't doing me or them a favor. you owed them to provide for them. it was your responsibility to do so. did "paying me to raise them" alleviate your guilt of leaving them? did that let you off the hook? do you have any fucking idea of how they may have turned out more secure with more self esteem, and the power to believe they were worth while, loved, and wanted, had you been there? you have no fucking clue to what you denied them and took away from them, with your absence. you will never know Dave, because you don't care enough to know. and it's your birthday. and the day after, is Nicholas's birthday. are you going to even try to plan to be with him? i didn't think so. you will get him a thoughtless card with $20 bucks or whatever, and that will be that. no memory making, time spending, love sharing, affection for that boy who was your birthday gift 24 years ago.... not from you. i have SO many warm wonderful beautiful loving memories of the kids growing up that you will never ever have the pleasure of experiencing. you missed out, Dave, really missed out. he wont feel your love, even though i know inside, you do love him, he wont feel it. if you were to die tomorrow, he would never know how you really feel about him, none of them would. you would take it with you, Dave. and forever leave an emptiness in their soul, just as my father did in mine. whatta guy you are, let me pat you on the back. you must be really proud of yourself. yep, tell people that you have 4 children with pride and a big ole grin on your face. but don't forget to tell them that you weren't there for them, as they grew up...that you paid your ex-wife to raise them, like all good daddy's do. i really do not wish you any harm. i still love the David i married once upon a time... when you still had a heart. i wish you could feel the love we all had for you, at one point in time. i hope you are happy with the nobody of a bitch who was more important to you than your own children. i sure hope she was worth it. i highly doubt it, though. kids are worth waaaaaaay more than a dog.
happy birthday, Dave.....and many more.....


Anonymous said...

So how do you really feel about Davids new wife?

ChiTown Girl said...

This is so beautiful and honest and heartfelt. It left me teary-eyed. I only hope you actually sent it to him, because he should read it everyday!!!

C said...

chitown, thanks for the support. no i haven't sent it to him. he wouldn't get it. not in a million years.
it would be like spitting on an uncontrolled forrest fire expecting to put it out.