...how small i feel lately. i am out of sorts. i cannot picture my future. i am overwhelmed with my present. and i still hurt over the past. they say life is only what you make it be. can i have a new recipe, then? can i paint myself a new direction? or am i bound to follow in shadows of the familiar, the old, the painful..... am i who i am because of everything i have lived through, so far? or am i who i am despite everything i have lived through, so far.is this the real me? is there more of me that hasn't emerged yet? I'm getting old, running out of time. come out come out, whoever you are..... or i wont have time to enjoy you.... i am confused. i need. i hurt. i long for the same fucking "just out of my reach illusion" that has haunted me my whole life. and i have yet to figure out what that is. i need strength. i need prayer.

CRP