"...wE mUst bE thE chAnGe wE wiSh tO sEE iN thE wOrld..." K.G.


i just read a blog that had the words to "father & son" by cat stevens... and i'm full of emotion i do not understand. why does this song make me cry? the first thought that comes to my mind is my own children growing up without thier dad. but then when i think about it more, i'm feeling like it has more to do with me, and my own pain of not having my dad around. well, that must be it cuz my eyes are fillin with tears and my throat feels like its gonna close up.... i feel deep sadness at the fact that i KNOW my father must have loved me, and i was brave all those years, not letting it show cuz i didnt want him to feel bad knowing i was feeling such pain. as little kids, we will always sacrifice our own hearts to protect someone elses.... maybe thats where my pain comes from, at that ultimate self denial, no matter the price or consequences. we are what we think our parents want us to be, rather than being allowed to just be ourselves. we'll do anything for thier approval, even if it means pretending to be ok, even though our heart is breaking. god, i hope i never did that to my kids. i hope i always validated thier feelings and let them be who they were meant to be. i guess songs that remind me of that sacrifice, are the reason it makes me cry. cuz i've done that, been there, and probly on some level, always will be. i have never let my father know how i felt about his absence in my life, and how much pain i felt when i needed him.... and i'll never get any kind of solace for it, i will never heal or get closure...he's dead so i never will be able to. the older i get, the more retrospective i become. and i hurt and grieve for all the pain i've ever caused anyone. i feel so alone at times that i cant even find comfort in my own company.
"...little child lost, where are you going? to find my daddy, she replied...."

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