...nOw I lAy mE dOwn tO slEEp...

...As I lay in bed at night, the mechanical valve in my heart beats strong and loud as if to comfort me that although I am in pain every day, it's going to keep on beating no matter what. Sometimes I can hear it, and sometimes I can lay my hand on my chest and feel the faintest vibration of life. MY life. I contemplate why I am still here. I've lost just about everything I once had, and realize sometimes that has to happen to make way for new things that will be brought to me.  Other times I get frustrated and impatient wanting to know what my future holds NOW. I've never been good with change, because in the past change always meant a painful thing for me. This time I really have no choice in the matter, as everything that has happened to me this year, has not been in my control.

The past 4 nights I have had the same dream, about Diane being here but I am unable to reach her, and she is with another woman. I wake up with my heart racing and beating so loud it feels like my chest might explode, and I also wake up crying. Then the feeling of the dream haunts me all day long. I have slowly learned to accept that she doesn't love me anymore, this past year. And I feel I have gotten to a place where I am usually at peace with it, for the most part. But every now and then, my dreams hurt me as they know my deepest most painful thoughts. Her and I don't speak, and it's better that way, but I cannot honestly say I am completely over her. It takes a long time to let go of something that I loved so deeply, I can only do little increments at a time. I also cant believe I am in the situation I am in, with my health and finances, having no job makes me feel like I have no purpose. It is an awful, helpless feeling to have no money in my wallet, and no hope of any coming in, and having to rely on my one son to buy food for me. It breaks my heart. In my mind I am still a younger version of myself, and so that's how I perceive every day. It's only when I go to do things I was able to do before, that I find I can no longer do, such as sweeping, vacuuming, scrubbing the shower.... going for a walk, going up and down stairs. I still do the cleaning, however it takes me all day to do one chore and I am in a lot of pain after. No one helps me with these things and I can see myself becoming more incapacitated as time goes on. It's like I'm standing next to myself, watching this person whom I've become, falter, get weaker, trip over her own feet, and finding less and less joy in life. I don't know what will become of me. I feel like I have done everything in my power to help myself but it's not enough. A friend of mine Angie, whom I used to work with in labor and delivery, paid 2 months electric bill for me, and then sent a beautiful card with gift cards enclosed, such as dining ones, Target and other stores, and 3 movie passes with coupons for poopcorn and a drink too. I was so lonely tonight, I really needed to feel the comfort of family so I called my sister who lives here, and asked her if she wanted to go with. I also asked if my niece wanted to go, too. My sister said "you have no money, how you going to go"? I told her about the 3 movie passes from my dear friend and she said "so are you going to treat me and my daughter, then?" I couldn't believe she said that! I said I would LOVE to treat you to a movie if I was working and had money, but these were a gift to me and I want to make them last. She got mad and quickly ended the call. WTF, I thought... I have absolutely nothing, and she had the nerve to ask me to share some gifts I received when she has a two income family and a lot of money, they live well but she refuses to help me by claiming she is broke. I am BROKE. She has no clue to the meaning. I was so hurt, it made me cry. And because I have a tender heart, I then felt guilty for not giving them to her, so I didn't go. Who would take their sister's last few crumbs like that... So tonight has been rough for me, I watched some TV and cried, feeling sorry for myself because she is not supportive at all. The social worker I see at my doctors office told me last week that the office staff likes to name some patients who have had a rough year, and give them presents and a gift basket. One of those will be me. I was SO touched. When I told my sister about it, not to brag, but because it touched me... her comments were all negative, she said "well that's stupid, why don't they give you food or pay your bills, no one ever does that for me." She couldn't even say it was a nice gesture or be happy for me. It's just unbelievable to me. If the situation were reversed, I would be putting my family member first, and do everything in my power to help them. I'm just SO fed up... and now I am having pain in my chest, if it gets worse I will have to go to the ER.

Did anyone know stress KILLS...?

C