tiDbiTs a' tHe dAy

It's very early, peeps, or as Jo and I would say ---> "oily." We try to change as many words as we can and make them sound the way WE like them to, which is similar to a NYC accent with a French twist. Someday who knows, we might even write a dick-shun-airy of ROYISMS. (that's our maiden name). as if...

My pernt is (oops there's another one, see if you can find them all) I couldn't sleep so I tossed like a salad then finally decided to get up... cuz all's I was a doin' is rearranging dead skin cells on me sheets. I turned on the TV (hope da neighbors couldn't hear it moaning) and WTF do you think was on? You'll never ever never guess in a million years so I'm just gonna tell you. Have a seat, are ya ready? It'll knock your socks off so aim them feet away from childrens and small animals, k?

"THAT GIRL"    

starring MarloThomas !!!!! Which you're prolly saying, so? But you just don't know how much I admired her when I was around 9, 10, 11. She was so beautiful, her relationship with the Donald (and you thought Trump coined that phrase) was totally non sexual, which made my fantasies of one day living in NYC, being a writer and self sufficient and carefree, such fun.

I've had black hairs naturally (and now professionally) and bangs for most of my life and I just wanted to be her. Even if she would have been blonde, I'd still wanna be her.  Remember Mary Tyler Moore, and  how pointy her boobies were? She could injure someone with those things...

(although I always admired her PETA ethics) but I didn't like her  apartment or voice yeah she just annoyed me... Got on my noirves if ya know what I mean, Vern. It twas  that girl   Marlo that I wanted to be.

Remember the Fonz ?

  Well now he sells Reverse Mortgages on TV for a living. I never woulda believed it back in the day. Mr. C (Cunningham) is rolling over in his grave every time he sees that infomercial, I'm sure of it. Wait, is he even dead yet? I dunno. But in it, the Fonz never once says "eyyyyyyy."  I kinda wish he would, just once to mess with the ratings.

And then you'll never ever never guess in a million years what other show came on so I'm just gonna tell you. Have a seat, are ya ready? It'll knock your socks off so aim them feet away from childrens and small animals, k ??

"My three sons"

starring Fred MacMurray." Our mudder used to have such a crush on him she wanted to marry him, yeah, as if... And I had such a crunch on him wishing he could be my daddio, ya know, since I dint have one, really. It was only TV land but it was another pure show. His oldest son got married on the show and his wife became pregnant eventually, but the show was so pure I bet they never even had sex and in my world it meant another safe place to get lost in fantasy, ya know, escape from my wonderful life.

And me last tidbit o' da day is this;

Do you know the summer Olympic trials are going on right now in good ole Omaha of Nebrasky ? Yep, they sure fa-reekin' are and Michael Phelps 

is here... (wow whatta bod on dat boy) right here not too fur away from me right now as we speak !!! Not too shabby for a Monday, I'd say. I need to go now cuz imma gonna bring the poor bastard that second subway sammie his own mAmA forgot... I'm a mama too so it should count, right.... Wonder if he likes it heavy on the carbs, ya know, to help him win the races... Any one else have fave childhood TV shows?

C

(all images from the web & Photobucket)

It’s hard to keep a positive attitude in a bad situation, but I am really trying to. First, my insurance thinks I am well enough to go home and insisted on a home eval yesterday so I could be assessed for going up and down stairs. I am not even walking independently yet, without a walker, and they want to know how I am doing on stairs. My occupational therapist agrees I am not ready but unfortunately money rules all. never mind what is best for the patient. I was at my apt. for about an hour yesterday, just enough to be teased. I didn’t want to come back here.

Secondly, I asked my kids several times not to drive my car or hang out in my apt. whilst I’m in hospital, yet there was evidence of both and I am so angry that I cant even convey it. I trust my kids, however, I feel helpless enough in here over so many things, and I’m upset at the lack of respect for the few little things I asked them not to do. But my kids are my kids, and have done what they could for me whilst in here, so I don’t feel I can or should say anything. I’m torn because I don’t believe I have asked too much. They all have their own vehicles and apt’s to hang out in, why the lack of respect?

And finally, there’s my sister who lives here. I love her dearly, and want her friendship but I have to accept it’s never going to be the way I want it to be. She tries to control everything to do with me, even what I eat. She asks me questions about my situation and I tell her what is new, or update her when something changes, yet she says it doesn’t make sense to her and goes behind my back to some of the staff to question them to her satisfaction. It makes me feel unreliable and stupid. Then she calls Jo and tells her I got all the wrong information because I am confused and I exaggerate blah blah blah. And it’s NOT true. Although my body has failed me, my mind is still intact and being a nurse myself, I do understand more about medical stuff than the average person, I don’t claim to know anywhere near everything, but I do know my fair share. She looks stuff up online to debate and prove me wrong when I explain something to her. Again, she calls Jo and tells her how I have it all wrong. And I just don’t have the energy or stamina to argue with her, in fact, I have been having such anxiety the past few weeks that I now have ativan to take when needed.

I don’t know if I will have a job when all is said and done, most likely not… and I don’t know what I am going to do for income, I don’t know where next months rent will come from, or how close to healthy/normal I will be once I am at my maximum potential… then to have to deal with petty bullshit stuff like this, well it’s just unnecessary. I feel like telling her "if you can’t add positives to my life or help me for the better then get the fuck out of my way.” yet I cant bring myself to say anything like that. I’m worn out, just so worn out. I know I am more fragile right now than I would normally be, it seems like every little annoyance is multiplied.

I do know and believe my sister has the best intentions in her efforts, because she loves me. But at what point does that excuse what it’s doing to me?

This afternoon I have an appointment with my surgeon, first time I see him since the surgery. I became very short of breath in the hospital after the surgery and was told there was still a small amount of fluid in my right lung but it would absorb. The amount wasn’t enough to tap it as they did the other side. It has not diminished, and I have told my nurses and the Dr. who follows me here. No one seems concerned. So when I was called yesterday to be reminded of today’s appointment, I took the opportunity to let the nurse know about it. She called me back to ask if I could arrive a bit earlier for an X-ray prior to seeing the Dr. so I will let you know how it all goes.

Just returned from the Dr.’s appointment. Everything cardiac looks good, the X-ray didn’t show any abnormalities so they did an ECHO cardiogram, won’t have results until tomorrow.

Here it is tomorrow, still no results. But I am in a bit of a better mood, even if only slightly. We are having severe weather and I love it, so I’m comfy cozy in my room, with the blinds up on the windows so I can watch the lightening. At one point the rain was coming down sideways.

In therapy today I managed to go up and down stairs, and walk the complete parameter of hallway for the first time without collapsing. Big BIG step for me. And the shortness of breath wasn’t as severe as it has been. It’s the first time since I’ve been here that I feel some progress. YEAH, ME!
It's thundering pretty good right now, I'm gonna get in bed and let it lull me to sleep. I find it very comforting. Talk to you soon.

C

...if you wake up and feel nauseated, go back to bed!

This morning when I awoke, I was feeling nauseated, I should have known the day was destined to go down hill from there. I couldn’t eat breakfast or lunch, only sip on some warm tea. I looked at my checking account online to check my balance, and noticed a $500.00 withdrawal to a company I’d never heard of before, so I called the bank and eventually after much discussion the bank refunded my hacked funds. But I am still missing some funds so I will have to deal with this again on Monday. A person can’t even go in for open heart surgery without identity thieves trying to take advantage… geeeesh.
Then my day consisted of my usual OT and PT. I was sitting in the recliner talking to my sister on the phone when I had the urge to pee. (every so often, I get that) I have been up independently in my room almost as long as I have been here. As I got up this afternoon, I tripped over the blanket I was covered up with, went stumbling forward and the right side of my face smashed into this large wardrobe across from me, and I went down. My face slid all the way down the bastard until it came to rest on the floor. I heard my sister yelling if I was ok on the phone which was flung across the floor. I called out “help” once and 5 nurses appeared. I was bleeding from my nose and mouth, spitting out tissue as my teeth went through my bottom lip. I was able to roll over and sit up on the floor, my knees were scraped pretty good like a bad case of rug burn during rough sex on the floor..
The girls had to get a Hoyer lift to get me off the floor and into bed. I cried like a baby which I think is mostly due to pent up emotion I have held back since the day I was admitted. Next thing I knew my son Nicholas arrived, along with my sister and a mutual friend of ours.
Here it is 9-10 hours later since I fell, and I am aching on the side of my head, the right side of my rib cage, around to my back. I took some pain meds because I knew I would be hurting later. Unexpectedly, in walked a co-worker of mine, John.
He came bearing great news that the hospital I work for is downsizing our unit 30% by next week. He said our boss wanted him to come by and give me a heads up, and he strongly suggested that I apply for disability whilst I am still an employee. I am the newest nurse to be hired last August so I am pretty sure I will be one of the first to be layed off. John said the hospital will try to place those let go, somewhere else in the hospital, but I am limited because I need a desk job. Apparently all accounts not belonging to the med center I work for, are being pulled and the other large hospital corporation here will develop their own answering/triage services which will take a third of our bussiness away. And it's the company I used to work for so I won't be going there to apply for a job, even though I left in good standing.
Needless to say, I am feeling just like I did a few years ago when I lost my other job due to my broken arm. I am not trying to be dramatic or jump the gun at all, I just want to mentally prepare myself because I have been here before and it wasn’t pretty.
I am trying very hard not to fall apart from today’s events and right now I am ok. Either it hasn’t hit me yet, or the strength that has carried me through all this from the start, is continuing to carry me now and will until I am settled once more. At this point, I don’t know which it is.
All I do know is that I need to concentrate all of my energy into rebuilding my physical state, nurture my emotional state, and let God do the rest as he has always done throughout my life. I tend to get in my own way and want to be in control of what happens, and how quickly. Patience has never been my best virtue.
My pain pills are kicking in, making me sleepy. I’m gonna get in bed and watch American pickers.
Have a good weekend.

C
 

THE ORDEAL

I am finally in a place emotionally and physically where I feel well enough to post, and for those who worried and prayed for me, I thank you with all of my heart, because I know that’s what got me through. I could feel it. I really don’t think there is anything more powerful than prayer, to bestow on someone you care about when they are in need is an act itself of pure love.
I am still somewhat in shock at what I just lived through. I am still processing things as they happened so quickly, it almost feels like I was just a bystander watching someone else in my place.
I went to work on Friday, 4/27. I’d been having chest pain since I woke up that morning, and took some nitro but it didn’t resolve it. By the time I got to work, it was so painful I asked my boss to take me to the ER. I was having a heart attack.
After many tests and another heart cath, I was told I needed a triple bypass with an aortic valve replacement. However, I was very anemic and had to receive blood prior. I also had a bone marrow biopsy to determine any blood disorders that could be causing the anemia, for the safety purpose of the surgery, but it came back normal. They said they were ruling out leukemia’s, cancers, various blood factors, etc… and that scared the crap out of me. I had never thought about having anything like that, wrong with me.

The night before surgery, I developed cellulitis in my feet, which delayed surgery for 4 days. Once the cellulitis cleared up with mega doses of antibiotics, in I went. I was told I was on the table for 14 hours as the first aortic valve was too big, so the doc had to redo the surgery with the correct size, so it was really like 2 back to back surgeries. They put a mechanical valve in, for my situation.
I awoke in the ICU unit, still intubated. Apparently, right after surgery I had a massive bleed in my chest. My blood pressure crashed so they couldn’t sedate me. My kidneys shut down and I was on continuous dialysis for 3 days, whilst still being intubated, wide awake, alert and oriented and all that shit. I remember everything. E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. Every agonizing moment of being on the vent, with my hands tied down so I wouldn’t pull out my tube, helpless, unable to convey anything to anyone. I had an intrajugular line in my right neck for dialysis, and an arterial line in the left for everything else. Apparently I received 23 units of blood and platelets as I bled out just as quickly as it was infused. I heard people say a few times it was 50/50. My family was taking turns a few minutes at a time, at my bedside. My youngest son, Christophe, couldn’t bring himself to see me in such critical condition. Honestly, being intubated while awake was the worst thing I have ever experienced in my whole life.

Eventually, I was weaned off the vent and needed to relearn how to swallow without choking. When I choked, I coughed. When I coughed, it felt like my chest was being ripped open.
The dialysis went from continuous to scheduled intervals. I wasn’t producing any urine on my own, and hardly any on dialysis. I was told I may have permanent kidney damage, only time would tell.
When stable, I went to the cardiac floor. To be honest with you, the chest incision was a little painful, but the majority of my pain was the freaking fibromyalgia. 14 hours on an OR table, then spending a lot of time in bed, left me in such pain, I couldn’t get past it. No amount of meds or ice paks or heat could ease my pain.

I went into A-Fib. That’s where the top of the heart quivers rather than beats in normal sinus rhythm, and can cause problems. I was lucky and it didn’t. It took about 2 days to snap out of that. I was still having great difficulty breathing, even without exertion. After some tests, they determined I had a build up of fluid in my left lung, and ended up draining 1300 mls of fluid from it. It was uncomfortable but not too painful.

I have always had an on going little list in the back of my mind with scary, unimaginable medical procedures I swore I would never allow to be done to me, like a frightened child frozen in the fear of the unknown. Well, my list is gone now. I have just lived through all the things that frightened me the most, and it wasn’t as painful, or bad as I imagined it to be. The bottom line for me is when I am ill like I was, I was willing to do whatever it took to get through each problem I encountered, and I did it without fear. Or maybe I should say I did it due to fear that if I didn’t, I wouldn’t recover. The only way I can explain it is that it was some kind of spiritual force, greater than me, pulling me through.

REHAB
My kids will never let me live it down that they chose my nursing home. They think it’s funny, I on the other hand, chuckle along with them but inside it scares me that I could end up spending the rest of my years in one. It is no place for me to be even if I have to be here right now to recover. As a nurse, I see so many inappropriate things that are done either half-assed, or totally wrong altogether. I have been left in my wheel chair with the wheels unlocked several times, no call light within my reach, half assed vital signs where the LPN’s ‘pretend’ to be listening to my heart when I know damn well their touch is so light and misplaced, there is no way they could be. Blood sugars where the alcohol pad wipes one finger then they poke another. I’m supposed to be on a cardiac diet which is a farce because they still place butter, salt, and other things I no longer eat, on my tray. However, it is letting me begin the change in my eating habits, as when I see a pat of butter on my tray, all I can do is picture it clogging my arteries, it gags me, and makes it easier to make good choices. These things may sound trivial to some, but I am not in a dive facility and my expectations were just a bit higher than the actual reality.

I work very hard here in rehab to strengthen my deconditioned body so I can get back to my life… and I don’t know how long it will take. When I left the hospital, I still had some fluid in my right lung, however not enough to tap it. Consequently I am always short of breath, even without exertion. The doc said it would absorb in my body, but I’m still waiting. She also said it is due to chronic anemia, and iron deficiency. I have to go to the infusion center for blood and iron infusions on Monday.
I saw the kidney doc today, rode to the med center in one of those medi-vans like I have seen so many times when I was out and about. Only this time it was me inside. There’s something weird about that.

RANDOM THOUGHTS
There were moments in the ICU unit when I didn’t think I could take another breath, and it scared the shit out of me. There was no call light within my reach, and I remember having to rattle the side rails to get some one to come see what I wanted. Jo said I started spelling words in her palm to try to convey my needs.

I still haven’t regained my appetite since the surgery. I can only eat about ½ cup of food or drink at a time. Nothing tastes good to me, not even my fave foods the kids bring me when I ask. And speaking of food, here in rehab, it should be illegal to call what they serve, “food.” In the morning, the toast they serve is dripping with some kind of greasy spread representing butter… it gags me. The only thing I can tolerate is the oatmeal. They do have egg beaters scrambled eggs and with lots of pepper, I can eat that. But the rest of the meals leave much to be desired.
OT and PT are coming along slowly, but I can’t believe how weak I have become. It sure doesn’t take long for muscles to atrophy.

AFTER THOUGHTS

There are all kinds of people in here, long term residents, short term, disabled, some with mental deficits. Each with their own stories. I look around in the dining room and think about how each person was a newborn baby once, and how much joy they must have brought to their parents. Who knows the stories they could tell and the wisdom they could share. I have always enjoyed hearing people’s life stories. Just when I think I have had it rough, I hear about something some one lives through that humbles me, reminding me to count my blessings and that no matter what I am facing, there are always people worse off, or facing things I know I could not handle.

Today, some of the residents went on a day trip to the zoo. You would of thought they won a million dollars, it pleased them so. Will I be like that one day? Treasuring the crumbs of a life left over that I once lived? I don’t want to end up in a place like this. I don’t want my kids to feel obligated to visit me for 5 minutes and think they have done their duty. It’s lonely here, I cry a lot, I think too much, and I just want to go home to my little apt. that awaits me. I am making some major life changes and it’s hard but I have no choice, if I wanna live. I am the one who did the damage to my body, I am the only one who can fix it.

One majorly good thing that has happened throughout this whole medical crisis, is that it has helped me put many things into perspective, mostly with Diane. I realize how much energy, time, and heart break I have allowed myself to go through, over her… over who I wanted her to be. It was more the illusion of love and romance that I was in love with, and I am now able to look at her picture and wonder what I ever saw in her. I feel NOTHING towards her, no pain, no longing, no missing, no loss. I feel NOTHING one way or the other. That’s what I have wanted to feel all along, ever since the break up. And I am finally there. It feels so freeing, so clean and I’m ready for my new life. Being with another person is the very last thing on my mind, I am going to spend my time building myself up, getting stronger, doing well in my job, and making the most of each day. It’s MY life to live, and no one is going to dictate how I should do it.
With that said, it’s bedtime for this chickie. I’m gonna get in bed and watch Family Guy until I fall asleep.

Please take care and be patient with me, I am coming back slowly but surely.

And don’t call me Shirley.

C

My surgery is @ 1pm today (Thursday).. The cellulitis in my feet is nearly gone so it’s time to move forward. My mind won’t stop racing though, even after the pain meds I take. So many things scaring me, making me feel pain in my soul, and it feels like I have left too many strings hanging, with no time to at least macramé them together and tie up the loose ends.

I realize no one can put every little thing in their lives, in absolute order. My kids know that I love them, as well as my sisters and brother. I have just spent some time with all of us together and I’m ok in that department. Said what I wanted to say etc…

But I am still very unsettled about Diane and I, what occurred, and how things remain today. I haven't resolved anything, I have not found a peaceful way to truly let go, and if something DOES happen to me, I don't want to leave this world carrying the pain that is still in my heart. I can hear everyone saying  “don't be stupid, Chris, you will be alright and make it through this.”  But what if I  don't? There’s no one I can talk about this with because they don't want to face it, or lose me… But alone in bed when I cant sleep, it is one of the things I think about. How can I resolve it? I don’t know how to… I don't want to leave my family, specially my kids.. and I guess if I don't make it, I will never know … I have things I have wanted to say, to do, to experience… I’m not ready to be done with life yet. I’m scared of this surgery and the possible outcome.

I have wasted alot of years in my life, and in retrospect I could just kick my ass for doing so. At the time, with what I knew, and the lack of confidence and self esteem I lived within, they were the only choices I could see to make. I can see now that the first 30 years of my life decisions were made out of fear of losing David, rather than what would be best for me or what I wanted.. It didn't matter if I faintly desired another direction for myself, with out him, it was too scary to even contemplate let alone take a risk to try. I lived through him, nothing was real unless it came through him.. and nothing meant anything without him…. much like a little girl looks to her father for. I didn't get my needs met originally with my dad, and no matter how desperately I tried to get it through my husband, I couldn't fill in the blanks. If I could do it over again, this time with feeling whole inside, confident, and had enough self esteem to believe I was enough all by myself, I would have made different decisions for my life. That basic foundation is usually built during childhood, by loving, kind parents that reflect how beautiful you are, back to you, and sort of teach you to see yourself like that… in a positive light, rather than the darkness of shame.  Even at the age of 32 when I first began to question the belief system I learned from my parents, that wasn't the proper time to learn the basics… Although I caught up on things, learned things I should have known from early childhood, it wasn't enough. It’s never as good as the original would have been. I have always felt like damaged goods, that I was missing something because of my naiveté and gull ability. which then made me just feel stupid. And there are SO many people who take advantage of some one like me, like clergy, teachers, neighbors, authority figures.. etc.. they used their power against me to hurt me and make themselves appear larger than life at my expense.

What am I supposed to do if I didn't have the needed skills to be one of the strong people, able to be self sufficient? I guess I’ll never know and it feels like my time to do so, is running out. I am almost in a panic to finish up old business, yet I'm stuck in sludge and cant make a move to do so. Looking back over my life tonight, right now in this moment, my first thought is, “IS THAT ALL?”  It cuts me like a knife, it does.. to realize that is my truth. And if, IF I am given the chance to make it through this surgery, my goal will be to do what I want to do, say what I want to say, live life to the fullest that I can… and never look back. That sounds so good, eh? Now I just need to do it. No more living through other people. I will be selfish and live for myself. 

I just feel like crying, actually I have been as I write this post. I want to rinse my soul clean, until all the pain I have been in, washes down the drain, so I can begin fresh again, pure, peaceful, and with love for  myself. I have been too long without it.

 

C

uPdaTe … mY brOken heArt will bE heAled wiTh suPer glUe & cheRRios…


I spent a few hours yesterday writing a very long post about what is going on with me.. then I posted it, without checking to see if it posted. When I looked at it this morning, I noticed only the first few sentences had copied and so then I thought WTF, all those thoughts gone. I know I saved it, but can’t find it! Maybe it will show up for dinner at some point and after I beat the crap out of it, I will post it all again.
Actually I am in the hospital due to chest pain, that started last Friday. After an onslaught of tests, SURVEY SAYS my heart needs an overhaul and a pair of new earrings. I need to look perdy cuz I will be having a triple bypass and aortic valve replacement, with fries and cottage cheese on the side. No biggie. I could probably do it meself since I am a nurse but I'm gonna pamper myself and pay some one to do it for me, just this one time.. 
Am I scared? Yes. Shitless.
Am I gonna cry like a girl? You bet your arse.
Have I run into any cute doctors? Yes but I'm a lady and always apologized.
My whole family came together to be with me as the surgery was supposed to be last Thursday, however I developed cellulites in both feet and ankles 2 days prior and the next day I woke up with bursitis on my left kneecap and cannot walk without assistance.  So the date was moved to Monday. That had to be cancelled as well because I still have the infections...  So now we are aiming for Wedsday.
Today, however,  I awoke from my nap only to find that I lost 100 lbs in my sleep,  and have no idea where that wandering  little tub’O’lard  went.  Consequently, no surgery until the infections are gone, which is hopefully soon as I am getting the top guns of antibiotics and they should be kicking in by now.  I  hate waiting on things, specially for a life saving surgery... as Janis Joplin once said  "come on and take it, take another little piece of my heart out, baaabbbyyyy.."
The pain meds I am on are really messing with me head. I will start to say one thing, doze off, then pick up as if I were still in the same conversation when I am not, it makes for awkward yet funny delicious moments.
I will keep you posted, peeps...
C
 
PS
My cleavage is already grieving, she may need a 12 step program... or on going therapy just to deal… Who knows, possibly even  electric shock therapy! .

I'm in a funky kind of mood tonight. Fighting the demons that want me to remain in the pain of my break up. I made myself remember the things that happened and how gullible or naïve or maybe a combination of the two, I was.

I feel angry to have been treated badly, dishonestly, and then amputated, left with all this emotion that is taking too long to sort out. The way SHE tells it, she was always concerned about my feelings, said she was trying to find a way to do this right, and then since she has been back in England, she doesn't have to consider or worry about my feelings in any thing she does. She is free, now.

It makes me feel like I was some kind of burden, and now I feel ashamed, because I was happy, I thought we were both happy, I knew none of these things she admitted at the end. What I don't like is being made to feel stupid or ignorant, all because I thought we were happy, only to find out the many ways in which she wasn't.

On another note, I have been doing a lot of thinking about my past, from being a little girl to today. Sometimes I question what is the point to everything I have experienced, lived through, and been saved for, many times by an unexpected miraculous act at the last minute. I have come close to death a good handful of times in my life, and was stunned at why I survived, each time.

I do believe everything happens for a reason, however that brings me no comfort right now because I don't understand the point of it all.

I've been seeking spiritual guidance and meaningful purpose for my life. The break up has had more of an effect on me than just the loss of love. In my youth, I SO believed in happily ever after, that once you married, it was forever. I didn't have any role models to base that belief on, so I cant quite say where it originated from. Maybe it was more of my fantasy since I came from a broken home.. I just don't know. It's funny but now that I am alone, my kids are grown, my Bella is gone, and the 2 deepest loves of my life have both left me for different reasons, I have been questioning my purpose now, questioning if I will ever feel loved or able to give love to another, again.. Wondering what is going to happen in my future.. So many questions, but no answers. I'm pretty good at giving advice but not good at all of taking heed of it for myself.

I feel lost right now, I question everything, I don't feel like I can trust anyone, and I am still in shock over what happened. I have moments of wanting to scream my fucking head off until I cant take another breath to do so any longer.

I have good days, too. yeah, I think there was one last month..

I know when you've been with one person for a long time and eventually you fall in love with the things they love, all things British, all things European... little things that only meant something because of her. Things between the two of us that wouldn't be special to any one else... And I never knew it was going to be the last time for this thing or that one.

I am struggling to let go and move on, but it's the little things that keep me bound... I don't even want to remember the special things, because it hurts too much. My heart is broken, and the little reminders only pour salt into the wounds.

I have a box of PG tips English tea that we were able to find here at one store, years ago, it is her fave and became mine, and so that's all we bought and drank. There's only a few tea bags missing from it but I cant throw it away. I cant drink it and I cant throw it away. I just cant lose one more thing, even the fucking stupid box of tea is too much for me right now.

I try to analyze my shit and I hate to admit defeat, but it doesn't feel like I'm still giving my power away, it just feels like raw hurt, sadness, and sometimes, just some times its too much to handle. Like tonight.. oh God.. all I know is that if I didn't wake up tomorrow, some may say it would be due to my health issues because I do have a few... But I say it would be from a broken heart.. I know deep in my soul, it would be from that.

I am not planning on doing any thing, I don't mean it that way, it's just that I keep hoping the days will get easier to get through, the sadness and hurt I feel will lessen, and some kind of strength that has always brought me through the bad times in my life, will kick in and carry me to a place of peace.. But none of that happens. I have been waiting and nothing happens. There have been moments scarcely sprinkled here and there the past few months, where I feel like I am doing better, but they are fleeting moments. When I least expect it, a wave storms in and knocks the breath out of me, and I don't know where that inner strength that used to pull me threw, went. I need it now.

No one wants to hear about this shit any longer, and I know that.. I understand that. Because I don't want to hear about it any more either, let alone live it.

I'm sorry is all I have to say.

C

"If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything."

It's been a helluva week here in my little corner of the world.  I have been working me assets off and finally have some time off, 4 days, countem' FOUR!  That doesn't happen often, I must say. My last day at work before my long weekend, was eventful.  There is a skywalk to get from the parking lot at work into the building I work in, and betwixed where the two meet, is one of those metal bars across the floor to make it look like it flows from the skywalk over to the building... You get my drift, right?  So I am walking along, thinking only about me last night to work and SO looking forward to being off when out of the freaking blue,  I tripped at the metal bar... And I wish I could write this in slow mo.. cuz that's how I experienced it.. But I began to tumble forwards, desperately attempting to reclaim my imbalance because I really hate to fall and I always get hurt.  Some workers happened to be leaving, at the same time I was arriving.  Out of fucking nowhere as I saw the floor getting closer to my face, this teeny tiny lil woman, like size zero small, jumps directly in front of me and catches me enough that I don't fall... She saved my life but hey, lemme tell ya it's not a pretty sight to watch someone like me, with rolls and stomachs and big bosoms, nearly trip..  Everything gets imbalanced and one side goes this a way whilst the other goes that a way and before ya know it, I coulda been flat on the carpet... (brings a new slant on carpet munching, don't it)..

This size zero little blonde with a big heart, could have met her destiny if I would of landed on her. All you would have been able to see is a lil tuff of blonde hairs sticking out from under me rib cage.  It was a freeking miracle, what she did.  So after I got re-balanced, and started walking to get to work, I heard this gentleman run up behind me yelling "ma'am, hey ma'am... is this your shoe?" I turned around and saw that yes indeed, he had one of my shoes. I henceforth then look down to see my bare naked foot along side the foot with a shoe on it, I have neuropathy in my feet and sometimes cant feel them, and there I was walking to get to work and couldn't feel one foot was barefoot! What a maroon I am. I was so embarrassed, and the stress from the whole ordeal, now with my shoe being the last straw, I sharted just a lil... right when he handed me the shoe. I wanted to die. I was freeking the freak out, hoping nothing would run down me leg.  Sorry for the details but I have IBS and that happens sometimes. Oh come on, we've all done it at some point... Needless to say, all of this palaver took place in < 10 mins time... And I still had to go to the rest room to clean up. I made it onto my unit with 4 minutes to spare, and I thank God I didn't have to explain to my boss why I was late, "oh pardon me, I nearly fell, lost a shoe and shit myself"...

ok, enough of that shit. bwahahaha...

I've been having alone time in my apt. cleaning, sorting, taking my time... Today around lunch time, my 2 oldest came over to visit, then we had a late lunch at in-gre-di-ent restaurant. After that I had to run to wally world, and whilst there I was looking in the garden center, because I can, when my heart sank to see all the 'mator plants and other veggies for sale... I miss my garden that Diane took such good care of and I'm very angry that I wont have the fresh veggies this year. I have no yard and even if I did my body is in no condition to garden. I do have large seated window sills at all the windows so I was thinking about getting some herbs to place there. But then again, I just don't cook like I used to so I don't know if it would be a waste or not. For all the years Diane and I were together, we always had a garden, and herbs. It was SO refreshing and wonderful to go pick some veggies and fresh basal, and add some fresh mozzarella.. and have a salad with good crusty French bread from whole foods for our dinner. Poolside of course. Diane and I spent many a cozy day on our floaties, just floating, and singing, and making plans, and just being together enjoying the day.

(those are the veggies along the fence, they extended down the side of the garage, too) (who's that bathing brown beauty on the floatie?)

I miss the sun on my skin, & the pool, it always seemed to energize me. Gone. Gone. All gone.  Just a few more things to mourn the loss of... And I fucking am.

After shopping, I picked up my youngest son from UNO to come spend the night. We made hoe made pizza and watched some movies. It was a very pleasant night. Tomorrow is my last day off from these here 4 in a row.. They went by too fast. But alas, life keeps going, no matter how things are in our own little worlds, life keeps going~ the sun keeps shining, and grapes still turn into raisins. Whatya gonna do, eh?

C

Well hello my minions, my favorite peeps in blog land...   How are you this cold, gloomy morning?

ME?   I'm fanfuckingtastic, if I must say so myself.   Yes, I am being sarcastic.   I am SO angry that I have to vent, and I know you folks are willing to let me.

It is my son Alex's birthday today, he turns 21.   It was just yesterday I held my lil preemie in my arms and cried with joy.   Now, today he is a man.

What I am angry about concerns...   OH?   Yep, you guessed it!   Diane. When she was still here in January, she went out one day and bought her X a birthday card, wrote in it and mailed it off while I was at work.   I was livid after all the behaviors she had displayed, and I wondered why she needed to do that behind my back, but then again so much of the shit was done behind my back anyways..   So Friday was Christophe's birthday, and today is Alex's.   Do you think she sent either one of our boys a card?   She raised them with me for 12 years.   They were close.   I just can't wrap my mind around this.   She still manages to hurt me in yet another way.   I know it hurts the boys as well.

Another thing that grinds my gears, as Peter Griffin would say... is work.   I am struggling at the moment to learn a new program, we all are..   However we usually have 3 RN's on evenings, and there are a few who have been trying to "practice" the new computer programs, which is fine, we all need to.   However, the other two whom I worked with all these past 4 days have been getting to know the program, and I am left with many of the calls to do whilst they "play."   I do not like being taken advantage of, and I absolutely hate unfairness.   If I say something, I'm afraid it may start tension, and I've been down that road before, several times.   There's nothing that can be done once you make waves, because nurse's eat their own.   You better be up to snuff in healthcare, and do your share of your responsibilities or a few can make the work place a miserable place to be.   I do not want or need to put myself in that kind of situation.   Any advice would be appreciated.

Yet one more thing that I am pissed off about is my sister who lives here.   As you know, we are not speaking, yet she will take one of my sons out to lunch (which she has never done before all this palaver) and interrogate him about what is currently going on with Jo and I.   OH no SHE didn't....   He is uncomfortable telling her  anything, yet doesn't want to hurt her feelings.   She also hasn't even acknowledged their birthdays either.   I guess she is getting even because she fucked up my niece's birthday on Easter and I ended up not going because I stood up for my kids to her.   That's illegal in these here parts, don'tcha know.   Alex is leaving on Friday to spend 2 weeks for his vaycay in North Carolina with Jo.   She has all kinds of fun stuffs planned for them, and his cousins do to.   Of course there's the beach too, just 10 mins from their home.   My sister who lives here couldn't get over that Alex was going to see his aunt.   She (when we were still talking) kept saying to Jo and I how "weird" it was for him to go on this trip.   She continued making ugly comments to both Jo and I about Alex being "Jo's new BFF".   SO high school, I couldn't believe the words that were coming outta her oral cavity..   It might as well have come out of her arse because it was all shit.   And all of this began because my kids, all 4 of them, don't keep in touch with her, in her opinion, or call her on a regular basis.   The thing is, they do go over, when ever she needs muscle work or help..   Neither do her kids, call me, but if I need their help they are there.   All of them are great kids, I don't understand her need to compare them to each other.   We always see everyone at family events, or when we had the pool in the other house, they'd come over several times a week.   Diane and I enjoyed cooking out dawgies or whatever we had.. and fed them.   Oh, I must also mention, they felt comfortable just stopping by, cuz if we were home, they were welcomed.   My kids need permission and must be formally invited to go to her home, let alone eat there.   It's always been such a huge palaver to be invited there, as if she were the fucking Queen of England herself.   And she makes it be that way because she holds herself superior to the rest of us.  

Ok, time to move on, we've been on my sister long enough... Time to unboard...  

But I could tell you stories of over the years... 

The last thing I am fucking livid about is the parking here at my beautiful new lil love shack..   I was informed prior to moving in, there would be some handicrapped parking spots here, one being for me, because I have been having worsening symptoms of Fibromyalgia, Arthritis, and Back problems.    Sometimes I must use my cane or the scooty chairs at the stores, depending on my pain level.   [ Which whilst we are on the subject, gags me to do so.   Ya never know who has shat themselves on the seat I must now sit on, or picked their noses and wiped them on the handles, or have butt crack sweat that soaks into the fake leather seats...   So I always wipe them down good for those reasons, however, the bastards don't always have the wipes to do so, just sayin'. ]   

So, back at the ranch...   I was saying that I even have a handicrapped sticker to allow me to park close, from my Dr.   Needless to say, it hurts to do stairs, so I need to park and bark out back, where there aren't any.   I moved in here Feb. 1st.   I called them today to remind them I am still waiting, with tapping foot, nails on the desk, repeatedly clearing me throat etc. etc. etc.   I was informed they cannot place any handicrapped  signs in any spots, that I would need to contact the city.   WHAAAAAAAAT, I said...   WTF?   I just don't have the energy to fight the city for what should be a fair accommodation for me and others like me.   After all, I am a gay.  I guess they don't care.  It takes all my gumption now just to do my daily routines and go to work.   There is nothing left in me to take on one more thing. 

I saw the cardiologist Friday, and have been symptomatic with chest pain and shortness of breath on exertion.   Eating Nitro like they were nerds.   He wants me to have another heart cath, and depending on what they see, as I have 2 stents in place already from my loverly 2 years of medical breakdowns when I wasn't working.   [I'm sure you all remember that?]   Anyway, accordianly to what the results show, I may have to undergo bypass surgery.   Yep I may need a cabbage.   I don't know why they don't refer to it as a carrot, or a rhubarb, or even a polish snausage...   Makes more sense to stick those shaped foods in your heart to open up those arteries, doesn't it?  

I will keep you posted.   I'm all worried now that if I have the surgery, it will forever ruin my beautiful cleavage, which you remember, eh? 

Remember these beauties?   So, try to picture if you must at my bust, an incision of open wound baring my riblets, the corn cobs, and even the corn muffins, right down the middle, splitting me in half like I was a watermelon or something.  It askeeeers me.  

Gross!!!!   Ewwww.  It looks like someone pasted a toupee between me breasticles...   Or maybe butt crack hair.    GAGS.   I will forever more be deformed, scarred, and the girls will never be the same again.   They wont be able to go out public and hold their lil heads up high.   They will be referred to as  "the cleavage that hid the Germans.."   or  "one potato, two potato, three potato, whore."   It's gonna hurt their lil feelings..    

C'est la vie,  That's life I guess.   Ya gotta roll with the punches, or in my case deface the virgin property of such voluptuousness.    Hey, maybe someone will paint graffiti on them as I sleep and create a pretty mirage. 

Yep.   Life as the girls once knew it, will be over.   The poor lil fuckers...   Who's gonna wanna nuzzle on these bad boys and do "motorboat" if I have to have the surgery?  

God only knows... 

Thanks for listening.   I feel relieved now and didn't even need to use me lil friend.   [Ya know, the one with a battery)...   (ssshhh).

I am spent. Time for bed.

C 

Well, I am STILL here and STILL queer...

It's been quite the hellish week in these parts... My sister who lives here, and I, have had a biff of a tiff now a riff. Let me tell ya how it went down. My niece's sweet 16 birthday was last Sunday, yes on Easter this year. Friday, my sister called me to invite me and ONE of my kids for dinner, saying since the other 3 kids don't keep in touch with her much, they weren't invited. Mind you, this was a family gathering for my niece. I was highly offended, I had a knot in my stomach to hear her be once again, degrading to me about my kids. I replied, your kids don't call me or keep close contact with me, but I would NEVER even think of inviting just one and not the other 2... Specially to a family gathering. I'm not like that. It hurt my feelings and I told her so and we hung up. Then, Sunday morning she sent me a text saying I was tacky and this thing and that... and to leave her and her family ALONE from now on. My sister has to have everything her way, control everything too, otherwise it's wrong and she won't have it. She can't even see to admit how horribly hurtful she comes off when she puts my kids down, hers are no angels, but there're good kids even if they have made mistakes, that's life. I would never put them down to anyone, specially to her. I love them. All of them. Her family has always been welcomed at my home, but the feeling is not reciprocated. We must ask permission first before we go over. There was also a huge palaver when Jo came to be with me 2 weeks when Diane left. She basically came to stay with me, so I wouldn't do anything to hurt myself, in my depression. Our sister works during the day and I work afternoon/evenings. We invited her to everything we did and to just hang out on my days off. But that wasn't enough, she became upset if we ended up watching a freeking movie in our jammies late at night at the last moment, when she was in bed for work the next day. We couldn't even fart with out including her or she got mad. She turned it into a huge mess by saying she was hurt because we excluded her from everything we did. And it's NOT true. However, she took Jo out to eat and other stuff when I was at work, which did not include or bother me. The relationship between her, and Jo and I is very much one sided, and must revolve around her or she pulls herself out of everything and pouts until Jo leaves, then we never hear the end of how we excluded her blah blah blah. She states Jo and I cause the chaos and stress.. We say it's her and her unresolved childhood issues. We love her. We have always attempted to include her in our outings or whatever. She needs to grow up and quit acting like a 2 year old. It's getting tiring. So now, I have no support here, and I feel like I have been left again.

Work has been so very busy this week. We are training to learn a new program the med center will start using called EPIC. "Don't fix it if it ain't broke" has always been my motto... The programs we have now are simple and they work well. So I guess the big suits got bored and came up with a whole new complicated program for us to learn, and already there are a lot of glitches we came across, in training. Irritating, stupid lil things that will take us longer to complete our calls. And my boss is SO stressed out over all of it that she literally walks around like she has a broom stick up her arse along with a whole sack of marshmallows too, trying to direct us but not quite being soft and nice  about it, if you catch me drift.. (who farted)... Maybe she should pull out a few marshmallows, perhaps? And I don't know if its due to the weather change, but every weird perv screwball in Omaha, Ne. called us tonight. everyone from a 16 year old who is pregnant wanting to know if its safe to eat fresh shrimp whilst pregnant.. DUH, where'd she fish those FRESH shrimp out of, the murky Missouri? To an older lady who called and when she was getting asked all our protocol questions, interrupted and said "what about me? You aren't asking me about my symptoms, these are too many questions, and I'm not answering them. CLICK and the bitch hung up. Then I had an older gentleman who claimed to be a preacher, which really fit the bill because I couldn't get a freekin word in edgewise.. He told me ALL the details of his last hospitalization, his tests, what people said, why certain tests were done.. what the doctor thought it might be, FUCK ... And all I was trying to find out is if he was having any worsening symptoms since he'd been home. I tried several times to take control of the conversation, and I'm usually good at that.. hee hee But he always resorted back to what he was telling me and picked up exactly where he left off. I wasn't a freekin church audience, for Pete's sake.. He sure was winded. Finally after 35 minutes of frustrating conversation, I was able to get off the phone. Oh, at one point when he went to grab his medication sheet to compare to mine, he sang the whole fucking song "I walk the line" Mr. Johnny Cash himself, and I swear I heard him doing a little jig with his shoes tapping on the kitchen floor as well. Yep, he finished up that song IN  MY  EAR to the very end. Let me assure you he is NO Johnny Cash. OMG.

My youngest son's 20th birthday is Friday, and I have to work. His siblings are planning a nice evening for him and he doesn't know anything about it. I have a stress test, and ECHO early Friday morning, and he has class until 1100, so I will be picking him up and taking him for Indian food for lunch. Then I have to go to work. I wish I could have gotten the day off to be with him all day.

Well I felt chatty and gave birth to all this boring crapola. You lucky peeps! Talk to ya soon.

C

Everything Happens For A Reason. Who You Are Today Is The Result Of All You Have Lived Through, So Far... And It Will Only Get Better, Because God Loves You, And He Wants Only The Best For You. The Only Hitch Is You Need To Get Out Of Your Own Way. Drop Yesterday's Junk You Still Hold In Your Hand, To Make Room For The New Stuff. Hold Your Own Key To Happiness, It Doesn't Belong In Anyone Else's Hand.

C

Yes. I mean this. I am not in the greatest of moods tonight. First~ I still haven't received the results of my labs from last week. I'm getting very annoyed about it. I could have Cellulitis and not even know it. Secondly, I have been working every s.i.n.g.l.e. day all week, this was my weekend off, but I work and will only have Sunday off. It's not enough. I'm tired, and SO grouchy I actually stabbed and killed 5 dust bunnies under me bed just for shits and giggles. And then I LEFT THEM THERE TO ROT.

I am still waiting for my new meds for depression, to kick in. As of tonight, the only kicking there're doing is to my ass.. And there're laughing at me, too.

I honestly feel like a bitchy, used up, crippled, old cow. My constant pain level is fired up enough to launch a space rocket filled with M & M's to the moon but it'd be such a shame to waste good chocolate like that. I suppose we could use all the lost socks the world's driers eat when no one is looking.

I do NOT feel happy. Can you tell? I am still grieving over what's her name, time is NOT healing me and frankly, I want it to all go away YESTERDAY, please. I am due for a good firm A.K. because I still read posts about how she is doing. FUCK YEAH, it hurts me to the core. But I remain faithful to my self abuse. I am like a pit bull that won't let go of the rubber steak that still smells real ... Erm, ya know, just in case it is.

I know I am in a bad way when I'll ask myself out but then turn myself down.. I even refuse to have sex with myself. I say things like "not now, dear.. I have a headache".. or "fuck off, bitch." It's true, damn it.. I wont even let me see meself nekked.. Which certainly makes it hard to shave one's legs.. I thought I was shaving my legs in the shower today but it just didn't feel right. later when I was dressed, I looked in the shower only to find I'd shaved the fucking paint off the wall. What give's?

Needless to say, I've had much better days. like the time I got caught up in a tornado and ended up 2 states over. Didn't know this bitch could fly. I musta hit my head cuz I had amnesia and couldn't remember whether or not I'd fed the cat that morning. Wait. I have a cat? Shit, can't remember it's name. What was I saying again...

Who are you all?

And what do ya want with my uncle? NO you can't have one of my socks, quit asking.

I guess I should "go" now. Or should I be saying I should "come" now..?

Silly slut, I told you I wasn't in the fucking mood so get off me.

C

I have started a post many times only to delete it. Nothing seems to sound right or flow. So if this turns out the same, hey that's why it won't be here... Just so's ya know.

I have been working nearly every day, filling in for peeps on vaycay and such. Our hospital is changing over to a whole new computer program called EPIC. Fuck, Fuckety Fuck Fuck I JUST learned the old one! But we all will be training, I have the first class this morning from 7-9:30 as it my day off, of course. OHHHH,  I am SO not a MORNING person. I will be crabby no matter how much coffee I gulp down. Whoa are those who sit near this cranky lezzie first thing in the morning. Ya know, I could never work your normal 9-5 job because I would kill someone. I would come in to work breathing fire, flipping everyone off at least, well, like twice.

I am at a crossroads once more in my life. My sister Denise who lives here, wants to pay for a membership for me to a gym with an indoor pool, so we could swim several times a week. I'm a Scorpio. Water is my element. I had a porpoise as a dolphin in my previous life. I LERVE being in water. As some of you regulars remember my pool pictures last year? Eatin that red, juicy watermelon by the bowl fulls? Oh, thanks, now I'm droolin and craving melon. I already miss our old pool. It was perfect for me to just step out the back door like a dirty whore and throw my lean machine into the awaiting unsuspecting water... I will never have it so good like that. Priv-a-see for all things kinky, skinny dipping, sex, pervin... oh just all kinds of things... I cherish those mammeries, always will. Now another family has moved in and will be making mammeries of their own.

I am awaiting blood work results from last Thursday, as I have been having a lot of pain where me pancreas is.. I can hardly move sometimes, and when the doc was done palpating my flesh like it was play fucking dough, I was in tears. I wonder WTF could be wrong in that eastern region of this babe's beautiful stretchmark less bod... Hope it's not the C word. I couldn't handle it if he told me I had CELLULITE. no sireeeee bob.

In the Diane department, I think I am giving making head way. Things are becoming clearer to me, such as realizing that even if we were together again, it just wouldn't make me happy. Too much water under the bridge now, between us. I may always love her, but at least I can say with honesty, I am happy being alone. Even if I have cellulite, I am feeling comfy cozy here in my little apartment, and it's ok that I am alone. In fact I prefer it. I have decorated it my way, arranged everything my way... I come and go when I want to, and I don't have to answer to or check with anyone if its ok or not. I can flatulate of my own free will, I have never lived on my own in my life, before now. I went right into my marriage to David, from my ma's house. Then after he left I went into low income housing with me four kid lets... Then Diane came into the picture. Now my kids are grown and on their own, and I have me. I HAVE ME. And I love it. It's OK to be alone, look at all of the beauty this lone tree is surrounded with. I could be this tree.

Even IF I were to meet someone down the line, and that's a BIG if, I wouldn't want to live with her. I want to keep me independence. It feels rewarding to be self sufficient. I think everyone should have time to live on their own and experience what it feels like. All of my kids have done so, and that's a good thing. Well on that note, I do have to be in class in 4 hours so I should probably get some beauty sleep now. I have plans later today, as well. Sorry I said FUCK so much, I swear, when I am happy- go figure. Cuz I swear when I'm not, too. I don't even NEED a reason to say FUCK. I just enjoy it. It rolls off my tongue soooooo smoothly, SO intelligently, that I continue to amaze meself every time it "comes hither" I love those words, Maria! 

C

The weekend is upon us once more. This one, I have to work. However, my son is getting an achievement award Sat. night at a banquet put together just for him so a friend of mine will work a couple hours for me so I can go and then return to work after. I had today off, and I went to my Dr.'s office concerning my depression. Of course he took a bunch of lab work, I weighed 4 pounds lighter when I left... Basically, I sobbed in his office for 90 minutes, telling him what had happened with Diane and Bella, he was very kind to me and plans on adjusting my medication when the lab results come back. Also, I am going to seek some counseling to help me work through the pain I have been in. Intellectually, I know the stages of grief I even recognize them as I go through them, and I know what I need to do for myself, I have a lot of experience with different forms of therapy because of what I personally have gone through, as well as my dream job when I was younger was a choice between nursing in OB, and nursing in psych... The thing is... I find it difficult to apply what I know and what I would advise some one in my shoes, to do... for myself. I'm in too deep this time, too raw to try to remain unbiased with myself, if that's even possible. I know several Dr.'s in Omaha so I will be seeing someone soon. I'm not ashamed to admit that I need help to work through my grief, I welcome it and will do everything I can to heal. I cant live like this much longer, I have crying spells everyday, and I mean the heavy, noisy kind where it leaves me  weak and spent.. I haven't been sleeping well, I am not eating much as nothing tastes good to me.. I refuse to partake in any of the activities I used to enjoy as it feels too lonely to do so with out Diane, and I have always been one who loved to cook... Now I have no desire and if I try to, its still too raw and I cant do it. I feel like I am only existing from day to day, doing what's necessary and nothing more.

After my appointment, I went good willing with my niece and sister, and had dinner at her house after. My brother-in-law made a delicious lentil soup, and it's the first time in weeks that I enjoyed a meal. On my way homo, I stopped at an ice cream shop in midtown, got a cone and sat for awhile outside people watching, and enjoying seeing the clouds roll in. I made it home just before the down pour began. It felt ok to be in my own company, and have the solitude... I plan on doing that again, without the ice cream next time. Ben and Jerry's (or is it Ted and Wally's?) in the old market are my fave, its hoe made daily and the plain chocolate is to die for. The cold stone ice cream was... well I'd have to say, awful... It tasted just like a store brand does and I wont eat there again. We all have our own tastes, don't we..

I found some really cute things at goodwill today for my apt. Spent 9 dollars and came out with a big bag of stuff. I LERVE good bargains.

24 hours later....

I got sleepy and didn't finish my post last night. I didn't hear from the Dr. today, my lab results must not be ready yet. I had a strange kind of occurrence this afternoon when I was parking in the garage for work.. I had just pulled into a spot and noticed this woman walk by, get something out of her car, and walk back in the building. My gaydar went off and I did a double take, I actually felt attracted to her. I'm not one who feels an attraction with out there being an emotional connection.. But I liked the way this woman walked, carried herself, and looked to be a bit butch. When she'd gone inside, I sat there in disbelief that I felt like that. I felt guilty like I was betraying Diane, yet it felt nice to even think about the possibility that one day I could feel that way again. I have to keep reminding myself that Diane is with the one she wants to be with, doesn't love me or even want to be friends with me.. Because if I don't remind myself of those facts I start missing her and wanting her back, and all it does is hurt me. Today, walking out to my car to go to work, I overheard some people who live in my building, talking about the guilt they feel leaving their doggies alone all day while they work blah blah blah... And my mind immediately took off in fantasyland, that if Diane came back, she could do dog walking for the 3 buildings here, and make some good money. I even went as far as picturing us together again, in this apt.. Wondering if it could make her happy enough to come back.

Then I nearly slapped my own face to snap me out of my foolish thoughts, and beat myself up mentally, pretty darn good.. She does not want to be with ME even if I had a lot of money and she could work here, there is nothing that I can say or do to make her want to come back to me.. SHE does not want ME. When  will that simple fact get through to my poor little aching heart? I cant care about what she is doing in England, with her X. I cant keep wondering if she misses me, or even thinks about me... It just doesn't fucking matter. It doesn't change anything, it doesn't ease my pain, and I want to just be able to feel indifference towards her. I don't want to feel my heart skip a beat at the mere mention of her name... I don't want to cry when I hear one of our songs or go somewhere her and I used to frequent. I want it to be over, I NEED it to all be behind me so I can enjoy each day in peace as I deserve too.

So maybe seeing that woman and feeling the way I did today, was a little sign or gift, to give me a ray of hope that for me this isn't the end...

Only time will tell I guess.

C

 

from black to white, wrong to right, I stand to fight, with all my might...

I don't know where I'm going, I only know I am following the light. But there is still a bit of darkness I need to get through. I've had the same dream every night for the past 6 nights. And when I wake up, the feelings of the dream are with me for hours after ward, leaving me emotional, and wondering why I keep having the same dream. Yes, it's about Diane, she comes to me in my dream, wanting to be with me again, yet there's always a barrier of another woman she happens to be with, who shows up in the end, so we don't get together after all. I've been trying to not let that be the focus of my day, but its always there. This weekend I had 2 days off, and spent it cleaning the whole apartment top to bottom, although it's a small space, it still took me longer than it may have someone else, simply because of the chronic back pain and fibromyalgia I have. I kept having to interrupt my routine to rest and ice my back. When that was done, I had one of my sons over for lunch, I ran errands, did a little shopping, watched a few recorded shows I missed, and played several games of scrabble on my computer. I needed alone time, and I got it. I watched P.S. I LOVE YOU, which is a fave movie of mine, I watch it to remind me that even with a devastating loss, there can one day be happiness again, when the time is right. In my opinion, I kept busy and tried to keep my mind off the dreams, but what bothers me the most are the feelings of immense sadness it leaves me with that shadows my day. Its as if she has seeped into every level of me, every breath, every beat of my heart contains remnants of her, always there to remind me of her absence. I can FEEL her absence pulsate through me.. How horrible that must sound to let someone have that much power over me.. The thing is, I'm not letting her, its just there, it is not by any conscience action on my part that contributes to this. In the morning, I am making an appointment to change my antidepressant to something else, because I don't feel like its working. I have to do something about how I feel, because I have no energy, no desires to go out, I don't even enjoy cooking or eating any more. Those were things I so loved... just not finding joy in the things I used to. Cooking for one really sucks. We used to cook all the time, big meals, invite people over, entertain... I have no desire to do any of that. In fact, if I am honest, I don't want to do any of the things her and I enjoyed because it makes me miss her and since she has been gone, they just don't mean as much to me.... I realize I need to find new things to enjoy, I haven't been able to yet. I miss Bella SO much and in the building I live in, nearly everyone has a doggie or two. I am always reminded of her, and its too much sadness for me to deal with all at once. Everyone has given me good advice on here, and I'm working on it, really I am... I'm so weighed down with sadness lately it feels suffocating. I came across this video that I wanted to share, because I feel different after viewing it.

homeless boy sings

So after I saw this by accident, I wept for a long time at the courage this young man has, for the pain and loneliness he lived through, regardless of the terrible life he has led, being on his own since the age of 5. So I'm thinking, if he can persevere, and overcome and push on to achieve his dreams, despite the obstacles he has encountered, then who the fuck am I to even complain about my break-up, my little worthless woes and problems, and dare to feel sorry for myself. This young man humbles me to my knees, right to my knees I say.. If you watch it and read the translations, it will affect you in some way too, I am sure of it. For me, I will use it to kick my ass out of my depression and sadness.. he has become an inspiration to me, a hero, a blessing.There are much worse things in life that people live through which make my problems appear so small and petty. And I realize how much I have wallowed in them, rather than pick myself up, dust myself off, and take a step forward towards healing. I AM stronger than I have shown myself to be.. You guys don't know what I have already lived through, you know tidbits, but there's so much more... yet I persevered and I'm still here and I have come too far to give up now, I am a survivor and I will learn to live again and be happy, even if I am alone. God bless this young man and I pray he goes far with the beautiful gift of voice he has been given. I realize as I write this out, there must be a reason I am exactly where I am tonight.. alone, but content about it.. sad but hopeful I will be happy again, weak so I can become stronger, tearful so I can cleanse my soul, and willing to let her go so I can be free. And I wish all the same good things for Diane, because a part of me will always love her, and she deserves peace and happiness and love, as well. yes, it's sad, endings are... but they are also new beginnings, we just forget to look at them that way.

C